How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 19

Subtitles
1 00:00:13,365 --> 00:00:15,860 Her favorite CD in the Otis Redding box set? 2 00:00:15,861 --> 00:00:16,887 Disc three. 3 00:00:16,887 --> 00:00:20,063 My favorite? Any guesses? Anyone? Come on. 4 00:00:20,391 --> 00:00:21,609 Disc three! 5 00:00:22,174 --> 00:00:25,237 God, Victoria's so amazing! I could talk about her for hours. 6 00:00:25,238 --> 00:00:26,767 What do you mean "could"? 7 00:00:27,275 --> 00:00:31,420 I'm sorry, it's just... God, I... I'm crazy about this girl. 8 00:00:31,421 --> 00:00:34,410 It feels like maybe... I don't want to say it. 9 00:00:34,411 --> 00:00:36,438 Trust that impulse, Ted. 10 00:00:37,497 --> 00:00:40,500 Hey. Something kind of cool just happened. 11 00:00:40,500 --> 00:00:45,940 My story on Pickles, the Singing Dog, just got nominated for a Local Area Media Award. 12 00:00:45,940 --> 00:00:47,963 A... LAME-A? 13 00:00:48,233 --> 00:00:50,917 We prefer Local Area Media Award. 14 00:00:51,343 --> 00:00:53,613 Um... there's going to be this big banquet. 15 00:00:53,614 --> 00:00:57,844 I know these things aren't much fun, but it would really mean a lot to me if you guys came. 16 00:00:58,986 --> 00:01:00,718 And there's an open bar. 17 00:01:00,719 --> 00:01:01,957 - Yes! - Word up! 18 00:01:01,958 --> 00:01:03,485 Yeah, put me down for two. 19 00:01:03,486 --> 00:01:04,984 Really? It's three months away. 20 00:01:04,985 --> 00:01:08,981 I know, but... guys, I'm sorry, I'm going to say it. 21 00:01:08,982 --> 00:01:12,790 I have a feeling Victoria's going to be around for a long time. 22 00:01:13,577 --> 00:01:15,331 I'm going to miss Victoria. 23 00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:20,954 I should just skip this thing entirely. Robin's still pissed at me after... you know. 24 00:01:20,955 --> 00:01:23,820 You lied and said you were broken up with Victoria before you actually were 25 00:01:23,821 --> 00:01:27,580 so you could try to nail Robin and you wound up losing both girls in one night? 26 00:01:28,356 --> 00:01:30,878 Yes, that's what I meant by "you know." 27 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:34,774 I haven't seen her in three weeks. She won't return my calls. 28 00:01:34,775 --> 00:01:37,767 - Look, I shouldn't go. - You should definitely go. 29 00:01:37,768 --> 00:01:40,885 Look, it's a chance to show her you're still friends and that you support her. 30 00:01:40,886 --> 00:01:44,122 Or it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter. 31 00:01:44,123 --> 00:01:47,578 Even better, triple threat-- hotter and bigger boobs. 32 00:01:47,579 --> 00:01:49,471 - That's only two. - Count again. 33 00:01:50,475 --> 00:01:54,325 Barney, I'm not bringing a date. Even if I wanted to, the thing's in two hours. 34 00:01:54,326 --> 00:01:55,537 So get an escort. 35 00:01:55,538 --> 00:01:57,776 By "escort," you mean prostitute? 36 00:01:57,777 --> 00:01:58,824 Why not? 37 00:01:58,825 --> 00:02:00,596 Because... gross? 38 00:02:01,018 --> 00:02:05,246 Oh, gross. What, you have some puritanical hang-up about prostitution? 39 00:02:05,247 --> 00:02:08,524 Dude, it's the world's oldest profession. 40 00:02:08,665 --> 00:02:10,253 You really think that's true? 41 00:02:10,254 --> 00:02:13,597 Oh, yeah. I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers, 42 00:02:13,598 --> 00:02:16,002 like, an extra fish for putting out. 43 00:02:16,027 --> 00:02:18,498 Aha, so then the oldest profession would be fishermen. 44 00:02:18,499 --> 00:02:20,512 Kaboom! You've been lawyered. 45 00:02:22,167 --> 00:02:25,488 Come on, Ted, let's get you a hooker. It'll be fun. 46 00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:30,454 Okay, to bring to the banquet and hang out with ironically or to actually have sex with? 47 00:02:30,678 --> 00:02:31,801 Yes. 48 00:02:32,821 --> 00:02:36,705 No! It's illegal. And did I mention gross? 49 00:02:36,706 --> 00:02:39,535 That's adorable. Ted, you're such a hayseed. 50 00:02:39,743 --> 00:02:44,052 The companionship business is the growth industry of the 21st century. 51 00:02:44,053 --> 00:02:48,898 You do realize that one out of every eight adult women in America is a prostitute. 52 00:02:48,899 --> 00:02:50,197 - You just made that up. - Withdrawn. 53 00:02:50,198 --> 00:02:51,357 Lawyered. 54 00:02:52,933 --> 00:02:55,721 The point is, how long has it been? 55 00:02:58,070 --> 00:02:59,618 57 days. 56 00:03:00,471 --> 00:03:02,067 - Is that your water? May I? - Yeah, go ahead. 57 00:03:02,068 --> 00:03:03,169 Much obliged. 58 00:03:04,203 --> 00:03:06,573 57 days?! 59 00:03:06,934 --> 00:03:10,387 - Ted, you are in a slump. - No, it's not a slump. 60 00:03:10,388 --> 00:03:12,686 It's an intentional hiatus from girls. 61 00:03:12,687 --> 00:03:15,561 A slump is when you strike out every time you step up to the plate. 62 00:03:15,562 --> 00:03:17,378 But I'm off the roster, baby. 63 00:03:17,379 --> 00:03:19,685 I'm in the locker room sitting in the whirlpool. 64 00:03:19,686 --> 00:03:22,163 And I'll tell you something, it feels pretty good. 65 00:03:22,164 --> 00:03:24,242 Yeah, you know what else is in that locker room? 66 00:03:24,243 --> 00:03:27,387 A naked dudes hanging brain. 67 00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:30,104 Ted, you need a lady. 68 00:03:30,105 --> 00:03:32,947 And I've got the next best thing-- Mary. 69 00:03:32,948 --> 00:03:34,404 She lives in my building. 70 00:03:34,405 --> 00:03:36,720 She's smart, she's hot, she's totally cool. 71 00:03:36,721 --> 00:03:38,124 Oh, she sounds great. 72 00:03:38,125 --> 00:03:40,716 And who knows? Maybe we'll wind up getting married someday. 73 00:03:40,717 --> 00:03:43,334 You know, if we can get a blessing from her pimp. 74 00:03:43,858 --> 00:03:48,837 You want to judge a fellow human being based solely on one external characteristic? 75 00:03:48,838 --> 00:03:50,622 That's racism. 76 00:03:50,623 --> 00:03:53,017 And I do not drink with racists. 77 00:03:53,018 --> 00:03:54,520 Good day. 78 00:03:58,692 --> 00:04:00,563 You're just waiting for me to speak, so you can... 79 00:04:00,564 --> 00:04:02,246 I said good day! 80 00:04:04,416 --> 00:04:06,920 So should I wear my hair up or down? 81 00:04:09,266 --> 00:04:10,377 Lily. 82 00:04:10,578 --> 00:04:11,446 What? 83 00:04:11,447 --> 00:04:14,628 - You okay? - Oh, yeah, sorry. 84 00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:16,885 I'm just exhausted from work. 85 00:04:16,886 --> 00:04:20,585 The stupid school board took away nap time in all kindergarten classes 86 00:04:20,586 --> 00:04:24,323 and now the kids are just going crazy by the end of the day. 87 00:04:24,324 --> 00:04:28,533 It's much harder to deal with because, well, I don't get my nap. 88 00:04:29,093 --> 00:04:31,199 Wait, you were taking naps when the kids were? 89 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:32,591 Is that safe? 90 00:04:32,592 --> 00:04:35,485 Well, they're only five. What are they gonna do to me? 91 00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:39,991 Ted's still coming to this thing, right? 92 00:04:39,992 --> 00:04:41,232 Yep. 93 00:04:41,647 --> 00:04:46,060 Do you think, um... hypothetically... it would be weird if I bring a date? 94 00:04:46,449 --> 00:04:51,037 Look at you, Scherbotsky, blatantly trying to make Ted jealous. 95 00:04:51,038 --> 00:04:53,108 No, it's just this guy at the station. 96 00:04:53,109 --> 00:04:57,285 I never get involved with co-workers, but he asked me and I said yes. 97 00:04:57,286 --> 00:04:58,718 Is it going to be weird? 98 00:04:58,719 --> 00:05:01,069 No, it's not going to be weird at all. 99 00:05:01,070 --> 00:05:02,827 Robin's bringing a date. 100 00:05:02,828 --> 00:05:04,801 Boy. That's going to be really weird. 101 00:05:04,802 --> 00:05:06,354 I know. 102 00:05:08,670 --> 00:05:10,294 Robin's bringing a date. 103 00:05:10,295 --> 00:05:12,942 Oh. Okay. That's not weird. 104 00:05:12,953 --> 00:05:15,375 She's bringing a date. I'm glad she's moving on. 105 00:05:15,376 --> 00:05:18,545 - Dude, it's going to be weird. - No, it's fine. 106 00:05:18,546 --> 00:05:21,891 Look, in spite of whatever happened between us, Robin and I are still friends. 107 00:05:21,892 --> 00:05:22,988 I don't think it'll be weird. 108 00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,685 - Yeah, it won't be weird. - Thank you. 109 00:05:24,686 --> 00:05:26,989 Because you're going to bring your own date. 110 00:05:26,990 --> 00:05:29,488 - Hello, Barney. - Hi, Mary. 111 00:05:29,489 --> 00:05:31,872 Have you met Ted? 112 00:05:37,310 --> 00:05:38,649 Nice to meet you Ted. 113 00:05:38,650 --> 00:05:40,042 Hi, Mary. 114 00:05:40,119 --> 00:05:42,693 Wow. It's, uh, nice to meet you, too. 115 00:05:42,694 --> 00:05:44,269 So we're going to an award show? 116 00:05:44,270 --> 00:05:46,090 Uh, yeah, will you just excuse us for one minute? 117 00:05:46,091 --> 00:05:47,103 Barney. 118 00:05:47,104 --> 00:05:48,197 See you in two shakes, Mare. 119 00:05:48,198 --> 00:05:49,527 You two make yourselves comfortable. 120 00:05:51,927 --> 00:05:53,197 What the hell? 121 00:05:53,198 --> 00:05:57,695 Dude, your narrow-minded views on professional fornicators were harshing my mellow. 122 00:05:57,888 --> 00:05:59,361 So I got you a date for the evening. 123 00:05:59,362 --> 00:06:01,437 You got me a hooker. 124 00:06:01,612 --> 00:06:04,574 A really hot hook-- A hooker! 125 00:06:04,575 --> 00:06:06,678 Think about it, this is perfect. 126 00:06:06,679 --> 00:06:09,670 A-- it will make Robin insanely jealous... 127 00:06:09,671 --> 00:06:12,390 B-- you get to have sex with her... 128 00:06:12,391 --> 00:06:14,748 and C-- maybe by getting to know Mary, 129 00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:17,110 you'll come to see that courtesans are people, too. 130 00:06:17,111 --> 00:06:21,277 And D-- "B" all night long. 131 00:06:21,278 --> 00:06:24,124 I'm not taking a prostitute to Robin's banquet. 132 00:06:24,125 --> 00:06:26,381 The only people who will know are you, me and Marshall. 133 00:06:26,382 --> 00:06:27,456 No one will suspect a thing. 134 00:06:27,457 --> 00:06:31,292 They'll just see you with this unbelievably smoking hot girl and... 135 00:06:31,293 --> 00:06:33,392 Okay, that's a little bit suspicious. 136 00:06:34,925 --> 00:06:38,326 Look, I'm just trying to expand your horizons a little bit tonight. 137 00:06:38,327 --> 00:06:41,638 But if you're not interested, fine, I'm out 500 bucks. Whatever. 138 00:06:41,639 --> 00:06:43,020 500 bucks? 139 00:06:43,029 --> 00:06:45,162 Ted, you're my cabron. 140 00:06:45,163 --> 00:06:48,883 You think I'm gonna stick you with some toothless tranny from the Port Authority? 141 00:06:49,673 --> 00:06:51,275 Look at how hot she is. 142 00:06:51,276 --> 00:06:53,308 Robin would be so jealous. 143 00:06:53,309 --> 00:06:56,350 I'm not trying to make Robin jealous, Barney. 144 00:06:56,350 --> 00:07:00,142 Look, I... tell Mary, thanks, but no thanks. I have a soul. 145 00:07:01,220 --> 00:07:06,183 And then your Uncle Marhsall and I had one of our famous telepathic conversations. 146 00:07:06,333 --> 00:07:07,927 Check out Robin's date. 147 00:07:07,929 --> 00:07:09,067 I know. 148 00:07:09,068 --> 00:07:10,402 Is that who I think it is? 149 00:07:10,403 --> 00:07:11,410 Yep. 150 00:07:11,411 --> 00:07:13,691 It's Sandy Rivers. 151 00:07:13,819 --> 00:07:16,709 Sandy Rivers was the face of Metro News One, 152 00:07:16,710 --> 00:07:19,876 the most low-budget cable news network ever. 153 00:07:19,877 --> 00:07:22,182 Sandy time. Sandy time! 154 00:07:22,183 --> 00:07:25,876 He was best known for his morning segment "In Today's Paper," 155 00:07:25,877 --> 00:07:28,910 during which he literally flipped through today's papers, 156 00:07:28,911 --> 00:07:30,371 reading them aloud to viewers. 157 00:07:30,372 --> 00:07:33,996 Here we have, on the front page, a story about a... 158 00:07:33,997 --> 00:07:38,361 I guess, a guy in a superhero costume climbing the Empire State Building. 159 00:07:39,014 --> 00:07:40,502 Looks interesting. 160 00:07:41,213 --> 00:07:45,079 These idiotic filler pieces were a guilty pleasure of ours. 161 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,166 Which Sandy do we want today? 162 00:07:47,478 --> 00:07:49,737 French Sandy, porn star Sandy...? 163 00:07:49,738 --> 00:07:51,103 Yosemite Sandy, definitely. 164 00:07:51,104 --> 00:07:52,791 Excellent choice. 165 00:08:02,776 --> 00:08:05,114 I love this guy. 166 00:08:05,115 --> 00:08:07,517 I hate this guy. 167 00:08:10,175 --> 00:08:11,509 Hey. 168 00:08:11,606 --> 00:08:13,463 - Hi. - I'm Lily. 169 00:08:13,464 --> 00:08:15,024 Hi. Mary. It's nice to meet you. 170 00:08:15,025 --> 00:08:17,659 Mary is a friend of Barney's. Barney invited her. 171 00:08:17,660 --> 00:08:20,093 Just met Mary ourselves. Don't know too much about Mary. 172 00:08:20,094 --> 00:08:21,285 Look, a beer. 173 00:08:24,135 --> 00:08:25,036 Hey. 174 00:08:25,037 --> 00:08:26,093 Hi. 175 00:08:26,094 --> 00:08:28,333 - You look nice. - Oh, um, Ted, this is Sandy. 176 00:08:28,334 --> 00:08:32,621 Hi. Sandy Rivers. Use my full name. People get a kick out of it. 177 00:08:32,622 --> 00:08:34,052 Hi, Sandy. 178 00:08:34,104 --> 00:08:35,444 Rivers. 179 00:08:36,115 --> 00:08:37,607 So are you two, uh... 180 00:08:37,608 --> 00:08:39,619 Starting a bunch of office rumors? 181 00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:42,243 Looks that way. Looks that way. 182 00:08:43,254 --> 00:08:45,517 Oh, how rude of me. 183 00:08:45,518 --> 00:08:48,703 Uh, Robin, Sandy... Rivers... 184 00:08:49,082 --> 00:08:51,961 this is Mary, my date. 185 00:08:59,309 --> 00:09:03,627 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 45th annual Local Area Media Awards. 186 00:09:03,628 --> 00:09:05,536 Please say hello to our host for the evening, 187 00:09:05,537 --> 00:09:07,919 king of the Saturday Afternoon Kung Fu Movie, 188 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:09,619 Vampire Lou! 189 00:09:13,903 --> 00:09:17,756 Tonight we celebrate the very best in broadcasting 190 00:09:17,757 --> 00:09:21,014 and the triumph of the human spirit. 191 00:09:21,285 --> 00:09:24,911 Man, Vampire Lou just looks great. 192 00:09:25,545 --> 00:09:28,310 I can't believe I'm on a date with a hooker. 193 00:09:28,631 --> 00:09:32,308 Yeah, I can't believe you let her and Lily go to the ladies' room together, man. 194 00:09:32,309 --> 00:09:33,884 Secrets come out in there. 195 00:09:33,885 --> 00:09:35,226 Oh, please. How's it's going to come out? 196 00:09:35,227 --> 00:09:38,046 "Uh, pass me a towel. P.S., I have sex for money." 197 00:09:38,047 --> 00:09:40,381 - Who has sex for money? - Nobody. 198 00:09:40,382 --> 00:09:42,632 What did you guys talk about in there? Anything interesting? 199 00:09:42,633 --> 00:09:44,376 No, not really. 200 00:09:44,724 --> 00:09:47,878 We just chitchatted and I borrowed her lipstick. 201 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:54,906 Why is Vampire Lou the host of a Saturday Afternoon Kung Fu Movie? 202 00:09:54,907 --> 00:09:57,119 You know, it just makes no sense. 203 00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:59,032 God, that pisses me off. 204 00:09:59,187 --> 00:10:00,700 Lily, you okay? 205 00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:04,208 Oh, yeah, I'm just tired. And when I get tired, I get cranky. 206 00:10:04,209 --> 00:10:06,467 Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky. 207 00:10:06,508 --> 00:10:09,111 "Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky." 208 00:10:10,791 --> 00:10:13,393 Wow. Why are you so tired? 209 00:10:13,394 --> 00:10:18,645 Well, I teach kindergarten and the school board took away my nap time, the kids' nap time. 210 00:10:18,917 --> 00:10:20,249 Lily, quit your job. 211 00:10:20,250 --> 00:10:22,634 Work at a private school. You won't have to deal with the school board, 212 00:10:22,635 --> 00:10:24,367 and you'll make a ton more money. 213 00:10:24,368 --> 00:10:25,536 Well, guess what, Barney? 214 00:10:25,537 --> 00:10:29,193 I don't base all my life decisions on how much money I'm going to make, 215 00:10:29,194 --> 00:10:31,349 unlike you and, sadly, my fiance. 216 00:10:31,350 --> 00:10:33,294 Well, it's just an internship, for the record. 217 00:10:33,295 --> 00:10:37,328 Yeah, because if I did sacrifice all my values just for an easy buck, 218 00:10:37,329 --> 00:10:39,245 what would that make me? 219 00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:41,060 A prostitute. 220 00:10:41,333 --> 00:10:43,529 Exactly. Thank you, Mary. 221 00:10:43,530 --> 00:10:46,025 So, Mary, what do you do for a living? 222 00:10:46,026 --> 00:10:47,707 She's a paralegal. 223 00:10:49,462 --> 00:10:51,346 Yes, I'm a paralegal. 224 00:10:51,382 --> 00:10:53,802 Oh, so, Mary the paralegal. 225 00:10:53,803 --> 00:10:56,583 What does a paralegal do exactly? 226 00:10:57,404 --> 00:11:02,055 I just assist with day-to-day clerical work in a law firm downtown. 227 00:11:02,056 --> 00:11:03,738 Oh, what firm? 228 00:11:03,821 --> 00:11:06,129 Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp. 229 00:11:06,130 --> 00:11:07,530 That's a real law firm. 230 00:11:07,531 --> 00:11:09,006 I know. 231 00:11:09,007 --> 00:11:10,607 Nice. 232 00:11:11,406 --> 00:11:13,210 You're pretty good on your feet. 233 00:11:13,211 --> 00:11:14,927 Are you flirting with me? 234 00:11:14,928 --> 00:11:16,337 Is that allowed? 235 00:11:16,338 --> 00:11:18,735 Yes, it's encouraged. 236 00:11:19,254 --> 00:11:22,699 You know, I wouldn't normally say this on a first date, but... 237 00:11:22,755 --> 00:11:24,198 well, considering... 238 00:11:24,568 --> 00:11:27,813 I'm just going to say it. You are so hot! 239 00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:30,496 - Well, thank you. - You're welcome. 240 00:11:30,817 --> 00:11:33,759 Mary, Ted is a great guy. You hold on to him. 241 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,545 Don't let him out of your sight for a minute. 242 00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:40,163 So, Sandy, what do you do? 243 00:11:40,164 --> 00:11:42,039 Oh, wait, I know what you do. 244 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:44,026 You're the guy who reads the paper in the morning. 245 00:11:44,027 --> 00:11:45,556 You got me. 246 00:11:45,717 --> 00:11:47,100 What do you do, Ted? 247 00:11:47,101 --> 00:11:49,424 Oh, same thing as you-- I read the paper every morning. 248 00:11:49,425 --> 00:11:53,170 But then after that, I finish my coffee and I go to my real job as an architect 249 00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:55,664 where I make an actual contribution to the world. 250 00:11:55,822 --> 00:11:58,460 I'm just kidding. Love your show. You're terrific. 251 00:11:58,461 --> 00:11:59,769 Thanks. 252 00:11:59,822 --> 00:12:01,888 I never tire of hearing that. 253 00:12:04,463 --> 00:12:10,001 Hey, you know that scene in Empire where they lower the helmet onto Darth Vader's head? 254 00:12:10,002 --> 00:12:13,178 Do you think that's how Sandy puts his hair on in the morning? 255 00:12:14,011 --> 00:12:18,739 You just insulted someone I hate by referencing something I love. 256 00:12:18,775 --> 00:12:21,676 Damn, you just got even hotter. 257 00:12:24,361 --> 00:12:27,932 And so, as the night wore on, I started to realize, 258 00:12:27,933 --> 00:12:32,704 this girl, despite what she did for a living, was kind of great. 259 00:12:36,656 --> 00:12:38,569 - Hey. - Hey. 260 00:12:38,570 --> 00:12:40,219 Mary seems nice. 261 00:12:40,220 --> 00:12:41,788 Have you kissed her yet, or are you waiting 262 00:12:41,789 --> 00:12:44,953 until you're in a serious relationship with someone else? 263 00:12:44,954 --> 00:12:48,080 I, uh... I wanted to apologize for everything that happened. 264 00:12:48,081 --> 00:12:49,933 And just like that, it's all okay. 265 00:12:49,934 --> 00:12:50,932 Roll credits. 266 00:12:50,933 --> 00:12:53,907 So you're going to be mad at me forever? What, we're not even friends now? 267 00:12:53,908 --> 00:12:55,927 - We're still friends. - Are we? 268 00:12:55,928 --> 00:12:57,995 You don't return my calls, we never hang out 269 00:12:57,996 --> 00:13:01,373 and now you're trying to make my jealous by waving Edward R. Moron in my face? 270 00:13:01,374 --> 00:13:05,438 Oh, and Paralegally Blonde isn't here in her low-cut dress to make me jealous? 271 00:13:05,439 --> 00:13:07,517 Oh, so now she's a whore? 272 00:13:08,654 --> 00:13:09,646 What? 273 00:13:09,647 --> 00:13:13,088 You know something? Mary the paralegal is awesome. 274 00:13:13,089 --> 00:13:15,199 And you know what else? I didn't come here tonight to make you jealous, 275 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,051 I came here to support you as a friend. 276 00:13:17,052 --> 00:13:19,453 And frankly, I'm sick of trying. 277 00:13:22,891 --> 00:13:24,552 I like that guy. 278 00:13:28,479 --> 00:13:30,389 - Hey. - Hey. 279 00:13:30,390 --> 00:13:31,986 What were you guys talking about over there? 280 00:13:31,987 --> 00:13:36,534 Oh, I was, uh, just telling my friend that I think you're awesome. 281 00:13:36,995 --> 00:13:38,455 Well, thanks. 282 00:13:39,293 --> 00:13:42,431 You know, this is one of the nicer hotels I've ever been in. 283 00:13:42,432 --> 00:13:43,853 Oh, yeah, my friend did the remodel. 284 00:13:43,854 --> 00:13:45,590 You should see the rooms. The views are amazing. 285 00:13:45,591 --> 00:13:48,981 Yeah? Maybe it's too bad we don't have a room. 286 00:13:49,524 --> 00:13:52,562 Room 1506. My treat. You kids go nuts. 287 00:13:52,563 --> 00:13:54,408 Actually, don't use the mini-bar. 288 00:14:01,554 --> 00:14:03,783 Do it. Come on, Ted, do it. 289 00:14:03,784 --> 00:14:06,244 This is one of those things you have to do before you turn 30. 290 00:14:06,245 --> 00:14:07,353 Sleep with a prostitute? 291 00:14:07,354 --> 00:14:09,689 No, lose your virginity. What up. 292 00:14:09,693 --> 00:14:14,194 Statistic-- men who have had at least one relationship with a prostitute 293 00:14:14,195 --> 00:14:18,140 are 75% more likely to have success in future relationships. 294 00:14:18,141 --> 00:14:18,910 You just made that up. 295 00:14:18,911 --> 00:14:20,589 - Withdrawn. - Lawyered. 296 00:14:20,632 --> 00:14:23,439 Okay, three things. First of all, Robin's category's almost up. 297 00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,514 And second of all, you cannot do this. 298 00:14:25,515 --> 00:14:27,162 It's wrong on every level. 299 00:14:27,163 --> 00:14:31,558 And third, I've been placing small items in Sandy's hair all night. He still hasn't noticed. 300 00:14:31,559 --> 00:14:35,110 I know I can't do this. I'm not doing this. It's just... it's a shame. 301 00:14:35,111 --> 00:14:36,081 She's really cool. 302 00:14:36,082 --> 00:14:38,772 - Yeah, well... there we go. - Scooter "Bam-Bam" Branson for 303 00:14:38,773 --> 00:14:42,454 A Bicycle-- Joyride or Deathtrap? 304 00:14:42,455 --> 00:14:46,578 Mike Murphy for 13, Pregnant and Addicted. 305 00:14:46,579 --> 00:14:50,768 And Robin Scherbotsky for Pickles, the Singing Dog. 306 00:14:50,769 --> 00:14:52,220 And the winner is... 307 00:14:52,221 --> 00:14:54,519 Robin Scherbotsky. 308 00:15:00,368 --> 00:15:01,353 Thanks. 309 00:15:03,642 --> 00:15:06,854 Oh, wow. This is really a surprise. 310 00:15:06,855 --> 00:15:11,777 Um, you know it's nice to be able to share this award with my friends. 311 00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:13,152 They're all here tonight. 312 00:15:13,153 --> 00:15:15,886 Marshall, Lily, Sandy Rivers... 313 00:15:17,935 --> 00:15:19,302 Barney... 314 00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:23,062 And that's it. Those are all my friends. 315 00:15:23,063 --> 00:15:24,425 Thank you. 316 00:15:31,728 --> 00:15:34,419 - Congratulations. - Oh, thanks. 317 00:15:34,699 --> 00:15:37,678 Um, Sandy, do you want to get a cab? 318 00:15:37,679 --> 00:15:39,568 Sure. Let's go. 319 00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:43,297 Yeah, this party's dead. Mary, you want to go upstairs? 320 00:15:44,381 --> 00:15:46,755 We, uh, got a room. 321 00:15:48,166 --> 00:15:50,729 Dude, what are you doing? 322 00:15:50,882 --> 00:15:52,019 What's it look like? 323 00:15:52,020 --> 00:15:55,126 It looks bad, is what it looks like. You cannot do this. 324 00:15:55,127 --> 00:15:58,116 Marshall, she is a really cool girl when you get to know her. 325 00:15:58,117 --> 00:16:00,488 Besides, I'm trying to make Robin jealous. 326 00:16:00,489 --> 00:16:02,726 Oh, that's real mature. 327 00:16:02,815 --> 00:16:06,078 Marshall, what is up with you and Ted? 328 00:16:06,079 --> 00:16:08,367 Nothing, baby. Don't worry about it. 329 00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:10,388 Fine. Do what you want. 330 00:16:10,811 --> 00:16:12,015 Hey. 331 00:16:12,813 --> 00:16:14,163 Should we go? 332 00:16:14,164 --> 00:16:15,508 Yeah. 333 00:16:16,759 --> 00:16:17,985 Thanks. 334 00:16:17,986 --> 00:16:19,371 Well... 335 00:16:19,805 --> 00:16:20,913 Good night. 336 00:16:21,265 --> 00:16:22,578 Good night. 337 00:16:38,076 --> 00:16:39,521 So, did you and Barney ever...? 338 00:16:39,522 --> 00:16:41,122 There's not enough money in the world. 339 00:16:41,123 --> 00:16:42,646 Oh, thank God. 340 00:16:46,575 --> 00:16:48,379 Wow, so they're...? 341 00:16:50,230 --> 00:16:52,856 Robin, where's Sandy Rivers? 342 00:16:52,857 --> 00:16:54,580 I put him in a cab. 343 00:16:54,715 --> 00:16:55,944 So you and he aren't...? 344 00:16:55,945 --> 00:16:58,046 I don't date people I work with. 345 00:16:58,131 --> 00:17:00,523 I was just trying to make Ted jealous. 346 00:17:00,660 --> 00:17:01,483 Is he...? 347 00:17:01,484 --> 00:17:03,450 He's off trying to make you jealous. 348 00:17:03,796 --> 00:17:05,505 Oh, well, good for them. 349 00:17:06,223 --> 00:17:09,524 And, you know, if Ted likes her, she's probably pretty cool. 350 00:17:11,083 --> 00:17:13,933 Lily, I know you're asleep, but I have to tell someone this, 351 00:17:13,934 --> 00:17:17,539 and we tell each other everything. So, here it goes. 352 00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,769 Mary's not a paralegal. 353 00:17:19,875 --> 00:17:21,391 She's a prostitute. 354 00:17:21,392 --> 00:17:23,551 Mary's a prostitute? 355 00:17:23,966 --> 00:17:24,931 What?! 356 00:17:24,932 --> 00:17:26,395 Barney paid for her. 357 00:17:27,218 --> 00:17:28,725 Is that true? 358 00:17:28,726 --> 00:17:31,860 We were having a conversation about prostitution, 359 00:17:31,861 --> 00:17:34,826 and then Barney calls her up and then she shows up at the bar 360 00:17:34,827 --> 00:17:36,783 and now she and Ted are upstairs. 361 00:17:36,784 --> 00:17:39,260 Okay, seriously, what is going on with Ted lately? 362 00:17:39,261 --> 00:17:41,636 Is he having a nervous breakdown? 363 00:17:41,789 --> 00:17:45,944 You know, Barney, for anyone else, this would be a new low, 364 00:17:45,945 --> 00:17:48,752 but sadly, for you, it's just a new middle. 365 00:17:50,193 --> 00:17:53,927 Oh, my God, I used her lipstick! Ah! 366 00:17:53,929 --> 00:17:55,245 That's her napkin. 367 00:17:55,246 --> 00:17:56,576 No! 368 00:17:57,849 --> 00:18:00,770 Okay, well, I guess now is as good a time as any. 369 00:18:00,771 --> 00:18:03,153 In keeping with tonight's award show motif, 370 00:18:03,154 --> 00:18:06,533 I'd like to announce this evening's big twist ending! 371 00:18:09,606 --> 00:18:11,689 Vampire Lou, would you do the honors? 372 00:18:13,585 --> 00:18:17,014 "Mary's not really a prostitute." 373 00:18:17,241 --> 00:18:18,070 What? 374 00:18:18,071 --> 00:18:19,900 That's all, Vampire Lou. Nicely done. 375 00:18:19,901 --> 00:18:21,419 - So she's not...? - No. 376 00:18:21,420 --> 00:18:23,771 Mary's just a paralegal who lives in my building. 377 00:18:23,772 --> 00:18:25,834 Oh-- ha-ha! And here's the best part-- 378 00:18:25,835 --> 00:18:28,520 she has no idea that Ted thinks she's a hooker. 379 00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:32,298 Oh, come on. 380 00:18:32,299 --> 00:18:34,725 If you don't laugh, it just seems mean. 381 00:18:45,409 --> 00:18:47,782 I feel kind of like Richard Gere. 382 00:18:48,459 --> 00:18:51,073 - Not shy about your looks, are you? - No. 383 00:18:53,336 --> 00:18:56,552 You know, Mary, I've never done this before. 384 00:18:56,553 --> 00:18:57,982 Done what? 385 00:18:57,983 --> 00:19:02,555 You know, been... on a "date." 386 00:19:02,958 --> 00:19:04,387 Yeah, right. 387 00:19:05,191 --> 00:19:06,632 Wait, you're kidding, right? 388 00:19:06,633 --> 00:19:07,915 No. 389 00:19:07,916 --> 00:19:09,793 Why, is that so odd? 390 00:19:09,794 --> 00:19:15,465 Well, Ted, I mean, I've been going on dates since I was 15. 391 00:19:15,684 --> 00:19:17,866 God, you were just a kid. 392 00:19:18,619 --> 00:19:22,182 Well, look, let's just have a few drinks. We'll relax and... 393 00:19:22,183 --> 00:19:26,894 Yeah, that sounds great. I had clients riding me all day long. 394 00:19:27,445 --> 00:19:28,762 Must be tough. 395 00:19:28,763 --> 00:19:31,446 Yeah. I mean, this one guy just wouldn't leave me alone. 396 00:19:31,447 --> 00:19:33,543 I mean, talk about anal. 397 00:19:39,007 --> 00:19:42,289 Well, here we are. 398 00:19:45,777 --> 00:19:49,169 Okay, look, Mary, I like you a lot. 399 00:19:49,170 --> 00:19:53,358 I'm sort of amazed at how much I like you, but I can't do this. 400 00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:54,780 You're a hooker. 401 00:19:55,807 --> 00:19:57,162 What? 402 00:19:57,163 --> 00:20:00,351 Look, maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I'm sorry, that's a deal-breaker for me. 403 00:20:00,352 --> 00:20:02,531 I'm not going to have sex with a prostitute. 404 00:20:02,532 --> 00:20:05,497 No... Ted, I'm a paralegal. 405 00:20:05,498 --> 00:20:07,413 Come on, Mary, there's no one else around. 406 00:20:07,414 --> 00:20:09,045 You're a hooker. 407 00:20:09,575 --> 00:20:11,207 No, Ted... 408 00:20:11,358 --> 00:20:12,999 I'm a paralegal. 409 00:20:13,241 --> 00:20:16,190 No, you're a hooker. 410 00:20:17,102 --> 00:20:20,643 No, I'm a paralegal. 411 00:20:24,052 --> 00:20:26,161 You're a paralegal. 412 00:20:29,969 --> 00:20:31,815 That was not funny. 413 00:20:31,816 --> 00:20:33,131 Not funny, dude. 414 00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:35,665 I know, it was hilarious. 415 00:20:35,724 --> 00:20:37,461 Why would you do that? 416 00:20:37,462 --> 00:20:39,309 I did it to prove a point. 417 00:20:39,310 --> 00:20:41,050 What point? 418 00:20:42,261 --> 00:20:44,457 Stay with me. It's going to come to me. 419 00:20:45,590 --> 00:20:48,306 No. Ah, okay, here's the point. 420 00:20:48,307 --> 00:20:50,306 You thought that Mary was a sure thing, right? 421 00:20:50,307 --> 00:20:54,161 So what happened? She took you up to a hotel room on the first date. 422 00:20:54,162 --> 00:20:57,146 All you have to do is be that confident with every girl you meet 423 00:20:57,147 --> 00:20:58,333 and your slump is over. 424 00:20:58,334 --> 00:21:01,440 So the message is, I should treat every woman like a whore? 425 00:21:01,441 --> 00:21:03,583 Come on, dude, you should be thanking me. 426 00:21:03,584 --> 00:21:05,496 She slapped me and stormed off. 427 00:21:05,497 --> 00:21:08,320 Can you blame her? You called her a hooker. 428 00:21:09,562 --> 00:21:12,097 I'm sorry, dude, it was funny. 429 00:21:12,098 --> 00:21:15,670 Yeah. Well, it's getting late. I should get back to my room. 430 00:21:15,671 --> 00:21:16,450 Your room? 431 00:21:16,451 --> 00:21:19,532 Yeah, that really expensive hotel room you put on your credit card-- 432 00:21:19,533 --> 00:21:20,584 never checked out. 433 00:21:20,585 --> 00:21:22,782 By the way, you know what's super fun? 434 00:21:22,783 --> 00:21:25,491 Pouring Dom Perignon down a bathtub drain. 435 00:21:25,492 --> 00:21:28,524 Well, it's almost 3:00. Got a massage. Toodles. 436 00:21:31,642 --> 00:21:34,841 Come on, if you don't laugh, it just seems mean.