How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 8

Subtitles
00:00:12,744 --> 00:00:16,154 So Kids, there are many buildings in New York City.'''
 * 1) '''1

2 00:00:16,406 --> 00:00:18,101 Thousands of apartments,

3 00:00:18,697 --> 00:00:20,166 millions of stories.

4 00:00:20,596 --> 00:00:23,777 And even though it's been decades and someone else lives there now,

5 00:00:24,239 --> 00:00:29,099 there's one apartment in particular that will always be our apartment.

6 00:00:29,784 --> 00:00:32,006 I have so many great memories of that place.

7 00:00:32,373 --> 00:00:34,113 Marshall playing video games.

8 00:00:34,822 --> 00:00:37,167 Lily painting on the fire escape.

9 00:00:38,297 --> 00:00:39,121 Hey!

10 00:00:39,603 --> 00:00:41,484 Sorry, Mr. Matson.

11 00:00:42,453 --> 00:00:44,447 And me making the coffee.

12 00:00:44,589 --> 00:00:47,999 I had this coffee pot-- it was probably 50 years old at the time,

13 00:00:48,091 --> 00:00:50,007 and it made truly terrible coffee.

14 00:00:50,314 --> 00:00:51,915 We called it Shocky.

15 00:00:52,372 --> 00:00:53,366 Plugging in.

16 00:00:53,483 --> 00:00:54,804 Saving game.

17 00:00:59,342 --> 00:01:01,538 I loved every last detail of that place,

18 00:01:01,629 --> 00:01:04,870 right down to the incredibly tacky swords we hung on the wall.

19 00:01:05,030 --> 00:01:07,143 I never wanted any of it to change.

20 00:01:07,447 --> 00:01:09,534 But that's not how life works.

21 00:01:11,451 --> 00:01:14,073 You guys will never believe what just happened to us.

22 00:01:14,149 --> 00:01:15,662 I don't even believe it myself.

23 00:01:15,745 --> 00:01:19,079 We were in Queens, and we decided to stop by my apartment.

24 00:01:19,159 --> 00:01:20,679 Wait, her apartment?

25 00:01:20,771 --> 00:01:23,169 I thought Aunt Lily lived with you and Uncle Marshall.

26 00:01:23,254 --> 00:01:27,129 I could see how you would think that, but I have to have my own place.

27 00:01:27,215 --> 00:01:28,794 It's an independence thing.

28 00:01:28,877 --> 00:01:30,533 When was the last time you were there?

29 00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:32,199 Three months ago.

30 00:01:32,679 --> 00:01:33,686 What?

31 00:01:33,825 --> 00:01:35,287 It's like fat pants.

32 00:01:35,373 --> 00:01:38,789 You hope you never have to use them, but you're glad to know they're there.

33 00:01:41,394 --> 00:01:42,632 What the hell?

34 00:01:42,733 --> 00:01:43,601 What?

35 00:01:44,324 --> 00:01:46,123 This is my apartment.

36 00:01:46,535 --> 00:01:47,591 Where?

37 00:01:47,736 --> 00:01:49,082 Right here.

38 00:01:50,988 --> 00:01:52,747 What the hell?

39 00:01:53,141 --> 00:01:54,973 Lily, this is a Chinese restaurant.

40 00:01:55,062 --> 00:01:58,469 No, no, this was my apartment.

41 00:01:58,592 --> 00:01:59,874 My dresser was right...

42 00:02:00,272 --> 00:02:02,003 That's my dresser!

43 00:02:02,666 --> 00:02:05,389 And this is my closet.

44 00:02:05,831 --> 00:02:10,259 And I spilled nail polish there. There's the stain.

45 00:02:10,374 --> 00:02:11,970 Hi. How many?

46 00:02:12,386 --> 00:02:13,444 Lily.

47 00:02:13,870 --> 00:02:15,194 Yes. You know me?

48 00:02:15,273 --> 00:02:17,964 Yeah. From your homecoming picture.

49 00:02:18,066 --> 00:02:20,433 You're much prettier in person.

50 00:02:21,054 --> 00:02:23,862 Yeah, I know, the bangs were a mistake.

51 00:02:23,988 --> 00:02:25,483 Where's my stuff?!

52 00:02:25,563 --> 00:02:27,218 Oh, it's all in the back.

53 00:02:27,308 --> 00:02:28,721 We could wrap it up for you.

54 00:02:28,808 --> 00:02:30,338 You want it to go?

55 00:02:30,575 --> 00:02:32,752 This is my apartment.

56 00:02:32,947 --> 00:02:34,865 Not anymore.

57 00:02:35,541 --> 00:02:37,679 No way. You're making this up.

58 00:02:37,764 --> 00:02:40,032 Yeah, the building would have had to give you some kind of notice.

59 00:02:40,115 --> 00:02:41,802 They sent you a notice about this.

60 00:02:41,892 --> 00:02:42,624 When?

61 00:02:42,722 --> 00:02:44,269 Three months ago.

62 00:02:44,355 --> 00:02:45,387 And here's your mail.

63 00:02:45,468 --> 00:02:46,765 Minus magazines.

64 00:02:48,207 --> 00:02:51,050 Well, still legally, they can't just toss you out on the street.

65 00:02:51,116 --> 00:02:52,074 You have a lease.

66 00:02:52,162 --> 00:02:55,068 Okay, so I didn't have a written lease as such,

67 00:02:55,149 --> 00:02:58,579 but go ask my landlady, Mrs. Conroy.

68 00:02:58,670 --> 00:03:01,271 She may be 98 years old, but she's still...

69 00:03:02,365 --> 00:03:04,053 She's dead, isn't she?

70 00:03:04,150 --> 00:03:05,992 Never even saw the bus.

71 00:03:07,058 --> 00:03:10,991 My apartment is a Chinese restaurant.

72 00:03:11,146 --> 00:03:12,798 What am I going to do?

73 00:03:12,896 --> 00:03:14,547 Come live with us.

74 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:15,567 Really?

75 00:03:15,646 --> 00:03:16,641 Of course.

76 00:03:16,739 --> 00:03:17,900 You sure about this, Ted?

77 00:03:17,993 --> 00:03:20,823 Yeah. I mean, you basically live here anyway.

78 00:03:20,911 --> 00:03:22,451 It's not like it'll change anything.

79 00:03:22,534 --> 00:03:24,938 No, it's like it will change everything.

80 00:03:25,016 --> 00:03:27,115 Oh, Ted, you are so screwed.

81 00:03:27,198 --> 00:03:28,660 What are you talking about?

82 00:03:28,743 --> 00:03:31,372 And why is that girl checking you out?

83 00:03:31,547 --> 00:03:33,128 Because I look good.

84 00:03:33,966 --> 00:03:35,155 Now, focus.

85 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:36,847 You and Marshall are roommates.

86 00:03:36,934 --> 00:03:38,136 You have an amazing apartment.

87 00:03:38,219 --> 00:03:40,110 Marshall and Lily just got engaged.

88 00:03:40,183 --> 00:03:41,046 Yeah, so?

89 00:03:41,136 --> 00:03:44,421 So, you're not still going to be his roommate when he gets married, are you?

90 00:03:44,508 --> 00:03:46,668 Someone's going to move out. So who's it going to be?

91 00:03:46,740 --> 00:03:49,372 Come on, Barney, I'm sure they've talked about who gets the apartment.

92 00:03:49,457 --> 00:03:51,227 You've talked about who gets the apartment, right?

93 00:03:51,297 --> 00:03:52,949 Yeah, we've talked about it.

94 00:03:53,305 --> 00:03:59,283 So when Lily and I get married, who's going to get the apartment?

95 00:03:59,646 --> 00:04:01,555 Oh, that's a tough one.

96 00:04:02,272 --> 00:04:04,604 You know who I think could handle a problem like that?

97 00:04:05,176 --> 00:04:05,997 Who?

98 00:04:06,474 --> 00:04:09,254 Future Ted and Future Marshall.

99 00:04:10,324 --> 00:04:11,729 Totally.

100 00:04:11,875 --> 00:04:13,623 Let's let those guys handle it.

101 00:04:13,745 --> 00:04:15,409 Damn it, Past Ted.

102 00:04:16,596 --> 00:04:18,296 You blew it, dude.

103 00:04:18,397 --> 00:04:20,450 Now that Lily's there, it's a whole new dynamic.

104 00:04:20,540 --> 00:04:21,525 They're edging you out.

105 00:04:21,614 --> 00:04:23,558 That's crazy. They're not edging me out.

106 00:04:23,637 --> 00:04:25,211 Marshall's my best friend.

107 00:04:25,696 --> 00:04:28,116 One of my best friends.

108 00:04:28,372 --> 00:04:30,153 He wouldn't do that to me.

109 00:04:30,483 --> 00:04:33,051 Just keep your eyes open, that's all I'm saying, Teddy.

110 00:04:33,189 --> 00:04:35,985 Little things are going to be changing around that apartment.

111 00:04:36,065 --> 00:04:37,868 Come on, Barney, you're just being paranoid.

112 00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:40,961 Okay, seriously, what is this girl's deal?

113 00:04:41,446 --> 00:04:43,242 I'm sort of on a date with her.

114 00:04:43,331 --> 00:04:43,969 What?

115 00:04:44,054 --> 00:04:45,089 Yeah, yeah.

116 00:04:45,751 --> 00:04:47,168 I found her online.

117 00:04:47,272 --> 00:04:51,041 I'm tired of the whole bar scene, the one-night hookups.

118 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,299 I'm looking for a soul mate.

119 00:04:53,397 --> 00:04:55,881 Someone who I can love and cuddle.

120 00:04:56,137 --> 00:04:58,899 Or so it says in my profile.

121 00:05:01,442 --> 00:05:03,039 But this girl...

122 00:05:03,567 --> 00:05:07,471 she wants the same stuff. And it's... it's bumming me out.

123 00:05:07,564 --> 00:05:09,292 All right, Ted, call me from the hospital.

124 00:05:09,386 --> 00:05:09,929 All right.

125 00:05:09,992 --> 00:05:10,993 You're going to the hospital?

126 00:05:11,085 --> 00:05:12,968 No. See, he's going to go back over there, and I'm going to call him.

127 00:05:13,044 --> 00:05:16,112 He's going to pretend it's an emergency call from a family member at the hospital.

128 00:05:16,214 --> 00:05:18,395 Oh, Lord, fake emergency?

129 00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:21,925 That is the lamest, most pathetic cop-out in the book.

130 00:05:22,021 --> 00:05:23,321 I expect more from you, Barney.

131 00:05:23,413 --> 00:05:25,955 Well, stay tuned. I'm working on some stuff.

132 00:05:26,179 --> 00:05:28,212 But in the meantime, wish me luck.

133 00:05:30,472 --> 00:05:32,736 So, are you going to talk to Marshall?

134 00:05:32,832 --> 00:05:35,325 He's going to want the apartment, I'm going to want the apartment.

135 00:05:35,416 --> 00:05:37,778 It's going to lead to an argument. So, no.

136 00:05:37,877 --> 00:05:39,827 Hmm, that's real healthy.

137 00:05:39,915 --> 00:05:44,345 So when a serious issue comes up, your response is just to avoid it?

138 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:46,385 I should really make this call.

139 00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:48,861 Ooh, can I do it?

140 00:05:53,870 --> 00:05:54,666 Excuse me.

141 00:05:56,505 --> 00:05:57,240 Hello.

142 00:05:57,350 --> 00:05:59,379 Hi, there... sexy.

143 00:05:59,702 --> 00:06:02,261 Hello, Aunt Cathy. What's up?

144 00:06:02,444 --> 00:06:03,717 Oh, nothing.

145 00:06:03,843 --> 00:06:07,627 Just sitting here thinking about you, hot stuff.

146 00:06:08,016 --> 00:06:09,596 An accident?

147 00:06:09,798 --> 00:06:12,737 Well, is Uncle Rudy going to be okay?

148 00:06:12,868 --> 00:06:17,884 Aunt Cathy's got an itch that only you can scratch, big boy.

149 00:06:19,098 --> 00:06:20,551 Oh, God!

150 00:06:20,701 --> 00:06:23,890 Why did he think he could build his own helicopter?

151 00:06:24,190 --> 00:06:28,847 Oh, come on, Daddy, break me off a piece of that white chocolate.

152 00:06:30,003 --> 00:06:32,766 Well, if he needs a transplant, he can have mine.

153 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:34,347 I'll be right there.

154 00:06:35,101 --> 00:06:36,744 You know... I...

155 00:06:40,848 --> 00:06:41,700 See you guys later.

156 00:06:43,086 --> 00:06:44,993 Put it on my check.

157 00:06:47,156 --> 00:06:48,919 Ah, this will be nice.

158 00:06:49,019 --> 00:06:51,422 The three of us living together.

159 00:06:52,064 --> 00:06:53,733 I think it's a good setup.

160 00:06:55,103 --> 00:06:56,888 Man, this coffee's great.

161 00:06:58,700 --> 00:07:00,395 It's really great.

162 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,045 Too great.

163 00:07:07,734 --> 00:07:09,416 What happened to Shocky?

164 00:07:14,015 --> 00:07:15,109 What's this?

165 00:07:15,201 --> 00:07:17,140 My coffeemaker from my apartment.

166 00:07:17,233 --> 00:07:18,867 It makes great coffee, right?

167 00:07:18,978 --> 00:07:20,674 Yeah, definitely.

168 00:07:20,784 --> 00:07:22,666 I mean, so does Shocky.

169 00:07:22,772 --> 00:07:23,789 Really?

170 00:07:23,895 --> 00:07:27,058 I always thought Shocky's coffee tasted kind of rusty.

171 00:07:27,150 --> 00:07:28,657 Yeah, no, it did.

172 00:07:28,852 --> 00:07:32,066 I mean, I kind of liked the rusty taste.

173 00:07:32,402 --> 00:07:34,328 I'm used to it, I don't know.

174 00:07:34,817 --> 00:07:39,196 Also, Lily's coffeemaker doesn't, you know, shock people.

175 00:07:40,205 --> 00:07:44,633 No, it's just... you got to admit that shock, that... wakes you up in the morning.

176 00:07:45,404 --> 00:07:47,205 You know what else wakes you up in the morning?

177 00:07:47,486 --> 00:07:48,373 Coffee.

178 00:07:50,283 --> 00:07:52,147 That's great. You're right.

179 00:07:53,383 --> 00:07:54,267 Roomies.

180 00:07:55,074 --> 00:07:56,136 I love it.

181 00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:00,491 They're edging me out. They're totally edging me out.

182 00:08:00,578 --> 00:08:01,918 I didn't believe it, but you're right.

183 00:08:02,019 --> 00:08:04,081 Told you. That Lily-- she's a shrewd one.

184 00:08:04,171 --> 00:08:08,983 Yeah, she got you a nice new coffeemaker-- how dare she.

185 00:08:09,563 --> 00:08:11,143 It's not just the coffeemaker.

186 00:08:11,362 --> 00:08:12,245 Done.

187 00:08:12,379 --> 00:08:13,725 The painting's done.

188 00:08:14,791 --> 00:08:17,155 - That is great. - Nice.

189 00:08:17,620 --> 00:08:19,175 Where do you want to hang it?

190 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:20,422 I don't know.

191 00:08:21,004 --> 00:08:23,359 Uh... Over the piano?

192 00:08:24,238 --> 00:08:26,746 Yeah, that would be a good place for it.

193 00:08:26,862 --> 00:08:31,169 Too bad the swords are there. We kind of love those swords.

194 00:08:32,322 --> 00:08:34,811 Well, those swords have been up there a long time.

195 00:08:34,910 --> 00:08:37,395 I know, right? I'd really miss them, too.

196 00:08:37,974 --> 00:08:40,211 So, maybe Marshall's room.

197 00:08:41,314 --> 00:08:42,373 Okay.

198 00:08:43,822 --> 00:08:45,604 He was going to take the swords down.

199 00:08:45,701 --> 00:08:46,737 Can you believe that?

200 00:08:46,837 --> 00:08:49,732 Ted, why don't you just talk to him. He's your best friend.

201 00:08:52,421 --> 00:08:54,084 One of your best friends.

202 00:08:55,266 --> 00:08:58,016 The point is, maybe it's time for some healthy communication.

203 00:08:58,133 --> 00:09:01,418 Healthy communication? That's the worst idea ever.

204 00:09:01,697 --> 00:09:04,115 Look, you held off their first advance. That's good.

205 00:09:04,196 --> 00:09:06,402 Now it's time to counterstrike.

206 00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:07,922 Well, what am I supposed to do?

207 00:09:08,029 --> 00:09:11,843 You got to mark your territory. And I don't mean missing the toilet.

208 00:09:12,338 --> 00:09:14,476 You've got to do something big.

209 00:09:14,576 --> 00:09:16,385 What, like buy a new sofa?

210 00:09:16,934 --> 00:09:17,847 Bigger.

211 00:09:18,818 --> 00:09:19,768 Katie's here.

212 00:09:19,894 --> 00:09:22,058 Okay, real quick... last night, epiphany--

213 00:09:22,165 --> 00:09:24,644 I realized what the world of dating needs. Ready?

214 00:09:24,758 --> 00:09:26,257 A lemon law.

215 00:09:26,366 --> 00:09:28,315 A lemon law like for cars?

216 00:09:28,410 --> 00:09:29,662 Exactly.

217 00:09:29,755 --> 00:09:32,136 From the moment the date begins, you have five minutes

218 00:09:32,245 --> 00:09:34,658 to decide whether you're going to commit to an entire evening.

219 00:09:34,738 --> 00:09:36,774 And if you don't, it's no hard feelings. Just,

220 00:09:36,849 --> 00:09:39,321 "Good night. Thanks for playing. See you never."

221 00:09:39,426 --> 00:09:42,761 Huh? Huh? The lemon law-- it's going to be a thing.

222 00:09:43,443 --> 00:09:45,464 Possibly, starting right now.

223 00:09:47,916 --> 00:09:49,483 Hi, Katie. Barney.

224 00:09:49,609 --> 00:09:52,886 Hi. It's good to finally meet you.

225 00:09:56,029 --> 00:10:01,206 Hmm, yeah. Katie, you are about to be a part of history.

226 00:10:07,633 --> 00:10:08,493 Tell your friends.

227 00:10:10,307 --> 00:10:11,379 It's going to be a thing.

228 00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:15,104 Man, Ted's been acting weird.

229 00:10:15,189 --> 00:10:17,340 He started labeling all his food.

230 00:10:17,436 --> 00:10:20,151 He even carved "Ted" into that block of cheese.

231 00:10:20,413 --> 00:10:21,362 Yeah.

232 00:10:21,926 --> 00:10:23,097 Well, now it's Ed's.

233 00:10:25,341 --> 00:10:27,579 I think he's not cool with me moving in.

234 00:10:27,707 --> 00:10:29,377 No, that's not it.

235 00:10:29,547 --> 00:10:31,446 You've basically lived here all along.

236 00:10:31,557 --> 00:10:32,740 Ted loves you.

237 00:10:32,847 --> 00:10:34,973 So what's he PMSing about?

238 00:10:35,511 --> 00:10:36,679 I don't know.

239 00:10:36,782 --> 00:10:39,951 But when he's ready to talk to me about it, he'll come and talk to me about it.

240 00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:41,375 Are you kidding?

241 00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:43,590 You guys never talk about anything.

242 00:10:43,683 --> 00:10:45,781 He'll just let it fester under the surface

243 00:10:45,870 --> 00:10:48,596 until he doesn't something big and passive-aggressive.

244 00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:50,259 You clearly don't know Ted.

245 00:10:51,653 --> 00:10:53,275 Delivery for Ted Mosby.

246 00:10:59,269 --> 00:11:01,257 Your English phone booth arrived.

247 00:11:01,406 --> 00:11:04,700 Oh, awesome! It's great, right?

248 00:11:04,805 --> 00:11:06,556 Yeah, I guess.

249 00:11:06,678 --> 00:11:09,018 I'm just not sure if Lily's going to like it.

250 00:11:09,948 --> 00:11:16,424 Well, I like it, so I'm just going to keep it right here, if that's cool.

251 00:11:17,203 --> 00:11:18,485 Of course.

252 00:11:18,606 --> 00:11:20,411 I mean, we all live here, so...

253 00:11:20,510 --> 00:11:22,791 we should all be able to have things the way we want them.

254 00:11:22,897 --> 00:11:23,945 Exactly.

255 00:11:24,113 --> 00:11:24,968 Great.

256 00:11:25,123 --> 00:11:26,228 Terrific.

257 00:11:26,448 --> 00:11:29,158 You like the phone booth, it stays.

258 00:11:29,284 --> 00:11:31,269 I like this painting...

259 00:11:31,372 --> 00:11:34,014 so I'm just going to hang it...

260 00:11:34,403 --> 00:11:36,297 right here on the wall.

261 00:11:42,899 --> 00:11:45,128 Oh. So it's like that, is it?

262 00:11:48,245 --> 00:11:51,840 Oh, hello, governor. Oh, it's like that, isn't it? Cheerio.

263 00:11:51,868 --> 00:11:53,661 Yeah, it's like that.

264 00:11:54,649 --> 00:11:57,919 - I want this apartment. - Well, I want it, too.

265 00:11:58,702 --> 00:11:59,944 You're a jerk.

266 00:12:00,042 --> 00:12:01,797 No, I'm a visionary.

267 00:12:01,901 --> 00:12:03,768 Lemon law! It's going to be a thing.

268 00:12:06,975 --> 00:12:10,098 For the record, your little lemon law is a symbol of everything

269 00:12:10,177 --> 00:12:12,810 that's wrong with our no-attention-span society.

270 00:12:12,910 --> 00:12:15,127 No. Wrong. Lemon law's awesome.

271 00:12:15,692 --> 00:12:19,052 It takes longer than five minutes to really get to know someone.

272 00:12:19,136 --> 00:12:22,749 You keep giving up on people so quickly. You could miss out on something great.

273 00:12:22,850 --> 00:12:25,347 Okay, you're on a blind date.

274 00:12:25,441 --> 00:12:28,472 Sitting across from the table is... that guy.

275 00:12:28,922 --> 00:12:31,487 You really think it'll take more than five minutes

276 00:12:31,566 --> 00:12:33,874 to realize there will be no date number two?

277 00:12:34,277 --> 00:12:35,563 Yes, I do.

278 00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:38,183 For all I know, that guy's my soul mate.

279 00:12:39,157 --> 00:12:42,609 Oh... bad move, Scherbotsky.

280 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:44,504 Hi.

281 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,680 Have you met Robin?

282 00:12:48,007 --> 00:12:49,941 - Hi. - Hi.

283 00:12:51,941 --> 00:12:55,903 All right, Marshall, we're deciding right now who gets this apartment.

284 00:12:56,013 --> 00:12:58,033 May lead to an argument,

285 00:12:58,150 --> 00:13:00,048 but we're settling this.

286 00:13:00,166 --> 00:13:01,273 Or we could flip a coin.

287 00:13:01,371 --> 00:13:02,703 Yeah, let's flip a coin.

288 00:13:04,976 --> 00:13:06,178 - Flip it. - Okay.

289 00:13:06,257 --> 00:13:07,445 I'm flipping it. Here I go.

290 00:13:07,530 --> 00:13:09,058 - Flip it. - Okay, here I go.

291 00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:11,266 - Flip it. - I'm flipping.

292 00:13:12,864 --> 00:13:14,852 But before I do, I just want to say something.

293 00:13:14,939 --> 00:13:16,563 You didn't even want to move in here in the first place.

294 00:13:16,625 --> 00:13:18,492 You said a pre-war building was bad for your allergies.

295 00:13:18,575 --> 00:13:19,501 That was five years ago.

296 00:13:19,579 --> 00:13:21,747 Now you can get prescription-level antihistamines over the counter.

297 00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,706 Oh, snap. What else you got?

298 00:13:25,156 --> 00:13:27,055 Okay, I'm flipping. Heads or tails?

299 00:13:27,876 --> 00:13:30,328 - You don't need two rooms. - Heads or tails, Marshall.

300 00:13:30,416 --> 00:13:33,397 - Like you need two rooms. - We might be starting a family soon.

301 00:13:33,484 --> 00:13:36,273 Oh, no, you're not. There's no way you're having a baby while you're still in law school.

302 00:13:36,338 --> 00:13:37,476 It's going to be at least three years.

303 00:13:37,539 --> 00:13:39,922 It could be sooner. We're not that careful with our birth control.

304 00:13:40,013 --> 00:13:41,097 Two-zip.

305 00:13:41,417 --> 00:13:44,542 Oh, come on! You know damn well, I move out, that room's going unused.

306 00:13:44,617 --> 00:13:47,604 Oh, and I suppose you'll get a new roommate. Who's it going to be, Barney?

307 00:13:47,708 --> 00:13:49,189 You know he cooks naked.

308 00:13:49,925 --> 00:13:52,975 Yeah, well, at least Barney wouldn't take the swords down.

309 00:13:53,125 --> 00:13:54,442 We were bros!

310 00:13:54,545 --> 00:13:56,586 These swords represent our bro-hood.

311 00:13:56,677 --> 00:13:59,228 And you took them down to make room for your fiancee's stupid painting?

312 00:13:59,308 --> 00:14:02,771 My fiancee? Suddenly she's "my fiancee"?

313 00:14:02,965 --> 00:14:04,318 Lily's a part of who I am.

314 00:14:04,403 --> 00:14:07,046 And if you're such a bro, she's a part of who you are, too.

315 00:14:07,126 --> 00:14:08,949 She's a bro by extension.

316 00:14:09,297 --> 00:14:11,542 I deserve this apartment, Marshall.

317 00:14:12,408 --> 00:14:13,501 No more than I do.

318 00:14:14,899 --> 00:14:15,609 Great.

319 00:14:15,795 --> 00:14:17,073 So let's flip for it.

320 00:14:18,529 --> 00:14:19,590 Flip it.

321 00:14:24,790 --> 00:14:26,409 Si this is how we're deciding who gets the apartment?

322 00:14:26,501 --> 00:14:27,670 I guess so.

323 00:14:28,774 --> 00:14:30,141 How are we doing this exactly?

324 00:14:30,231 --> 00:14:31,593 Is this, like, to the death?

325 00:14:31,687 --> 00:14:33,081 We should probably figure that out.

326 00:14:33,264 --> 00:14:34,568 Ooh! Ow. Ow.

327 00:14:34,654 --> 00:14:36,320 He's okay, he's okay, he's okay.

328 00:14:37,722 --> 00:14:38,797 Can I observe something?

329 00:14:38,881 --> 00:14:40,246 That this is kind of awesome?

330 00:14:40,942 --> 00:14:42,133 Totally.

331 00:14:42,233 --> 00:14:44,437 - I can't believe we didn't do this before. - I know.

332 00:14:47,296 --> 00:14:48,317 Thank you.

333 00:14:50,313 --> 00:14:51,532 I can't believe this.

334 00:14:51,628 --> 00:14:55,933 I'm sitting here with a beautiful woman I just met eating at my favorite restaurant.

335 00:14:56,516 --> 00:14:57,407 Sweet.

336 00:14:58,400 --> 00:14:59,867 It's a nice place.

337 00:15:00,202 --> 00:15:02,055 It's good to know the future has ribs.

338 00:15:02,788 --> 00:15:06,063 In the future, food will most likely be served in gel cap form.

339 00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:09,239 Plus, cows will probably have died out by then.

340 00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:12,083 Or be our leaders.

341 00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:17,303 Hello.

342 00:15:17,399 --> 00:15:19,859 H-H-H-H-Hey. Time's running out, Scherbotsky.

343 00:15:19,946 --> 00:15:21,278 Last chance for the lemon law.

344 00:15:21,369 --> 00:15:22,394 Leave me alone.

345 00:15:22,485 --> 00:15:25,323 4:56, 4:57, 4:58...

346 00:15:25,403 --> 00:15:27,269 We're only just getting to know each other.

347 00:15:27,382 --> 00:15:29,339 Say I'm right and this could all be over.

348 00:15:29,427 --> 00:15:31,599 This could be your call from the hospital.

349 00:15:32,137 --> 00:15:32,998 Sorry.

350 00:15:33,637 --> 00:15:37,898 Let me guess-- there's been a crazy accident and you have to go.

351 00:15:37,985 --> 00:15:39,988 No, I would never do that.

352 00:15:40,075 --> 00:15:41,563 I don't want to go anywhere.

353 00:15:41,659 --> 00:15:42,883 I'm all yours.

354 00:15:44,228 --> 00:15:47,647 Look, if you're a hooker, I don't have a lot of money...

355 00:15:51,362 --> 00:15:52,768 - Oh, that was awesome. - I know.

356 00:15:52,856 --> 00:15:53,967 Do it again.

357 00:15:54,152 --> 00:15:56,855 Okay. But this time jump up and I'll swipe your legs.

358 00:16:05,571 --> 00:16:07,944 Look... here's why I should get the place.

359 00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:11,354 You and Lily, you get to be married. What do I get, right?

360 00:16:11,432 --> 00:16:14,855 I get to be unmarried, alone, minus two roommates.

361 00:16:14,953 --> 00:16:17,592 And on top of that, I have to be homeless. Does that seem fair?

362 00:16:17,627 --> 00:16:19,504 Oh, boo-freakin'-hoo.

363 00:16:19,633 --> 00:16:20,555 What?!

364 00:16:20,672 --> 00:16:25,153 Woe is me. "I'm not married yet. my ovaries are shrinking." Ted!

365 00:16:25,295 --> 00:16:27,809 If you wanted to be married by now, you would be, but you're not.

366 00:16:27,881 --> 00:16:28,886 And you know why?

367 00:16:28,961 --> 00:16:30,617 Because you're irrationally picky.

368 00:16:30,709 --> 00:16:33,746 You're easily distracted and you're utterly anhedonic.

369 00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:35,335 - "Anhedonic"? - Anhedonic.

370 00:16:35,433 --> 00:16:37,047 It means you can't enjoy anything.

371 00:16:37,152 --> 00:16:38,167 The hell I can't.

372 00:16:38,257 --> 00:16:40,730 - I'm enjoying this. - I know. This rules!

373 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,746 Hey. I'm sorry I took those swords down.

374 00:16:47,838 --> 00:16:50,831 Dude, that's okay. It lead to this totally rad swordfight, didn't it?

375 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:51,812 Yeah, it did.

376 00:16:56,063 --> 00:16:57,841 You remeer when we first got these swords?

377 00:16:57,931 --> 00:16:59,494 It was the day we moved in.

378 00:16:59,659 --> 00:17:03,235 Congratulations, Marshall, we live in an apartment with swords on the wall.

379 00:17:03,342 --> 00:17:06,360 List of lifelong dreams, you're now half as long.

380 00:17:06,806 --> 00:17:09,271 Crap, I'm missing one of the screws for this table.

381 00:17:09,370 --> 00:17:11,565 Just use this wood glue. It'll hold.

382 00:17:13,247 --> 00:17:14,250 Yeah.

383 00:17:18,186 --> 00:17:22,354 Oh god, I'll be right there. Kevin, I'm so sorry. I have to go.

384 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,876 My friend's been stabbed with a sword.

385 00:17:25,413 --> 00:17:27,180 Hab Slosi' Quch!

386 00:17:29,164 --> 00:17:31,678 It's a Klingon insult. You have no honor.

387 00:17:32,064 --> 00:17:34,753 You know, if you felt this way, you could've just been upfront.

388 00:17:34,837 --> 00:17:37,520 No, I swear, that was a real call. I just...

389 00:17:37,762 --> 00:17:39,143 Oh, forget it.

390 00:17:42,512 --> 00:17:44,452 I stabbed Lily.

391 00:17:45,099 --> 00:17:47,821 I stabbed my fiancee.

392 00:17:48,332 --> 00:17:52,615 Come on, Marshall, do you really think she's still your fiancee?

393 00:17:53,791 --> 00:17:55,191 I'm kidding.

394 00:17:55,993 --> 00:17:59,167 Hey, I think you guys should have the apartment.

395 00:17:59,476 --> 00:18:02,176 But you fought so bravely for it.

396 00:18:02,378 --> 00:18:05,798 I wasn't fighting for the apartment, I was fighting for...

397 00:18:05,940 --> 00:18:09,886 I don't know... for everything to stay the way it is.

398 00:18:10,189 --> 00:18:12,478 But I'm not going to get that, so...

399 00:18:12,582 --> 00:18:15,250 seriously, take the place, it's yours.

400 00:18:15,364 --> 00:18:16,785 Is she okay?

401 00:18:17,003 --> 00:18:18,518 They're just patching her up. She's going to be fine.

402 00:18:18,610 --> 00:18:20,976 So get this: I was on a date with this girl, Jackie...

403 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,524 What? You said she's fine.

404 00:18:24,699 --> 00:18:26,719 So anyway, I was on a date with this girl, Jackie...

405 00:18:26,902 --> 00:18:30,172 Wow, Jackie, you make a really great first impression.

406 00:18:30,290 --> 00:18:36,110 I have a feeling that tonight you might end up being Jackie... oh.

407 00:18:37,629 --> 00:18:41,676 Yeah. I'm sorry, I'm going to have to lemon law you.

408 00:18:42,848 --> 00:18:44,749 It's out there. It's a thing.

409 00:18:44,860 --> 00:18:46,667 The lemon law is a thing!

410 00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:48,771 Damn, I should've called it Barney's law.

411 00:18:48,853 --> 00:18:51,543 - But you totally... - Just let him have this one.

412 00:18:53,580 --> 00:18:54,624 All set.

413 00:18:54,730 --> 00:18:59,133 She said she'd like to see the knights of the poorly constructed roundtable?

414 00:19:00,919 --> 00:19:01,914 That's us.

415 00:19:04,138 --> 00:19:06,356 A swordfight?

416 00:19:06,552 --> 00:19:08,285 - Sorry, Lily. - Sorry, Lily.

417 00:19:08,677 --> 00:19:11,718 On Monday, I'm going to have to tell my kindergarten class,

418 00:19:11,799 --> 00:19:14,202 who I teach not to run with scissors,

419 00:19:14,288 --> 00:19:18,562 that my fiance ran me through with a frickin' broadsword.

420 00:19:19,065 --> 00:19:22,892 Well just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.

421 00:19:23,015 --> 00:19:28,472 I'm sorry, is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me?

422 00:19:29,115 --> 00:19:30,347 You're right.

423 00:19:30,674 --> 00:19:31,993 I'm sorry.

424 00:19:32,241 --> 00:19:36,047 We were fighting to see who gets the apartment, and I won.

425 00:19:36,132 --> 00:19:37,653 Uh, you didn't win.

426 00:19:37,749 --> 00:19:39,886 I... gave it to you.

427 00:19:39,991 --> 00:19:43,395 Wait, wait, wait. I don't want that apartment.

428 00:19:43,490 --> 00:19:45,916 It's a boy apartment. It's...

429 00:19:46,027 --> 00:19:49,175 full of swords and video games and...

430 00:19:49,449 --> 00:19:51,600 kind of smells like dude.

431 00:19:53,741 --> 00:19:57,336 I mean, it's fine for now, but when we get married,

432 00:19:57,509 --> 00:20:00,183 I want to start a new life with you...

433 00:20:00,288 --> 00:20:02,150 in a new place.

434 00:20:03,533 --> 00:20:05,853 Gonna miss the old place.

435 00:20:05,954 --> 00:20:07,631 I will, too.

436 00:20:08,105 --> 00:20:10,471 But we're not going to get married for, like, a year.

437 00:20:10,579 --> 00:20:12,657 Yeah, that's Future Marshall's problem.

438 00:20:12,741 --> 00:20:14,247 Let that guy deal with it.

439 00:20:14,529 --> 00:20:15,635 Totally.

440 00:20:16,128 --> 00:20:20,079 Maybe it's the massive blood loss talking, but I'm starving.

441 00:20:20,466 --> 00:20:22,163 Let's go get some dinner.

442 00:20:22,510 --> 00:20:24,305 I know just the place.

443 00:20:25,571 --> 00:20:27,842 Chinese restaurant. I still don't believe it.

444 00:20:27,933 --> 00:20:29,291 I told you.

445 00:20:29,730 --> 00:20:31,214 Hey, a toast.

446 00:20:31,994 --> 00:20:34,685 Life is full of changes.

447 00:20:34,812 --> 00:20:38,091 One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a house of dumplings.

448 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:41,347 But the important stuff doesn't change.

449 00:20:41,457 --> 00:20:42,667 To the important stuff.

450 00:20:42,770 --> 00:20:43,179 Here, here.

451 00:20:43,272 --> 00:20:44,496 - Cheers. - Cheers.

452 00:20:45,592 --> 00:20:47,108 And to the lemon law.

453 00:20:49,118 --> 00:20:50,013 Self click.

454 00:20:50,994 --> 00:20:53,333 And by the way, I bought these glasses.

455 00:20:53,429 --> 00:20:55,175 Bought them at Ikea.

456 00:20:55,291 --> 00:20:56,849 These are my glasses!

457 00:20:57,444 --> 00:21:00,166 I love this song. I haven't heard this in forever.

458 00:21:00,358 --> 00:21:03,750 And I'm pretty sure this is a mix tape you made me in sophomore year.

459 00:21:03,855 --> 00:21:05,210 Yeah, right.

460 00:21:05,332 --> 00:21:08,445 Lily, your apartment makes the best Shanghai dumplings.

461 00:21:09,821 --> 00:21:11,076 I love you, Lily.

462 00:21:11,186 --> 00:21:13,409 Happy Valentine's Day 1997.