How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 17

Subtitles
1 00:00:13,923 --> 00:00:15,957 When your Uncle Marshall was ten years old, 2 00:00:15,958 --> 00:00:18,660 he read a book called Life Among the Gorillas. 3 00:00:18,671 --> 00:00:23,617 It was written by an anthropologist named Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez, 4 00:00:23,618 --> 00:00:28,863 and it told the story of the year she spent living among the Western Lowland Gorillas of Cameroon. 5 00:00:29,164 --> 00:00:33,750 When Dr. Birnholz-Vazquez came to the local community college to give a lecture, 6 00:00:33,751 --> 00:00:37,909 Marshall, the youngest member of the audience, raised his hand with a question. 7 00:00:38,495 --> 00:00:41,598 What advice do you have for a budding anthropologist? 8 00:00:41,599 --> 00:00:43,450 So you want to be an anthropologist? 9 00:00:43,451 --> 00:00:47,110 Yep. When I grow up, I want to go live with the gorillas, just like you did. 10 00:00:47,111 --> 00:00:49,949 What she said next changed his life. 11 00:00:49,950 --> 00:00:53,090 Oh, that's wonderful, but I'm afraid you can't. 12 00:00:53,090 --> 00:00:55,123 They'll all be dead by then. 13 00:00:57,913 --> 00:01:01,087 ...and if economic sanctions and trade restrictions aren't enforced, 14 00:01:01,087 --> 00:01:05,783 the destruction of the rainforests will continue and over a million species will be wiped out. 15 00:01:06,091 --> 00:01:07,784 So you don't want coffee? 16 00:01:07,897 --> 00:01:10,689 I'm saying that the coffee industry is causing irreversible... 17 00:01:10,690 --> 00:01:12,806 - All right. I'm pouring it out. - Okay, one cup. 18 00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:16,226 The kid needs to be alert. First day on the job and everything. 19 00:01:16,227 --> 00:01:18,521 I still can't believe you're going all corporate on us. 20 00:01:18,522 --> 00:01:21,031 "The kid" has become "the man." 21 00:01:21,032 --> 00:01:23,484 Okay, it's just an internship to make a little money. 22 00:01:23,485 --> 00:01:26,154 After law school, I'm going to work for the NRDC. 23 00:01:26,155 --> 00:01:27,945 They're gonna stop global warming. 24 00:01:27,946 --> 00:01:30,486 Well... I mean... they did their best. 25 00:01:31,491 --> 00:01:33,174 Here's your sack lunch. 26 00:01:34,238 --> 00:01:37,161 Okay, I love you because, one, you made me a sack lunch 27 00:01:37,162 --> 00:01:40,056 and two, you laugh every time you say the word "sack". 28 00:01:40,247 --> 00:01:42,803 - I love you, Marshmallow. - I love you. 29 00:01:43,095 --> 00:01:45,485 I love you too, Marshmallow. 30 00:01:47,265 --> 00:01:48,378 Uh-oh. 31 00:01:48,639 --> 00:01:49,616 Ted? 32 00:01:49,778 --> 00:01:52,573 Oh, no. No, she didn't. 33 00:01:52,574 --> 00:01:54,626 Yeah. Yeah, she did. 34 00:01:54,673 --> 00:01:56,670 Another care package? 35 00:01:56,721 --> 00:01:58,474 Another care package. 36 00:01:58,475 --> 00:02:02,284 I'd been in a long-distance relationship with Victoria for nearly a month. 37 00:02:02,285 --> 00:02:05,688 Long-distance relationships are a bad idea. 38 00:02:06,966 --> 00:02:08,270 How many is that so far? 39 00:02:08,271 --> 00:02:09,199 Three. 40 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:11,104 And how many have you sent her? 41 00:02:11,468 --> 00:02:13,348 In the mail or in my mind? 42 00:02:13,349 --> 00:02:15,985 Zero. She's up three-zip. 43 00:02:15,986 --> 00:02:17,889 Oh! Cupcakes! 44 00:02:17,890 --> 00:02:20,239 Great. I bet they're delicious, too. 45 00:02:21,737 --> 00:02:24,019 Yup, they're delicious. 46 00:02:24,172 --> 00:02:25,361 Damn it! 47 00:02:27,354 --> 00:02:29,743 I don't deserve these delicious cupcakes. 48 00:02:31,394 --> 00:02:33,559 God, I hate myself right now. 49 00:02:34,401 --> 00:02:36,814 God, that is so me at 15. 50 00:02:39,209 --> 00:02:42,909 Marshall was going to work for a big corporation called Altrucel. 51 00:02:42,910 --> 00:02:47,346 Altrucel was most well-known for making the yellow fuzzy stuff on the surface of tennis balls. 52 00:02:47,347 --> 00:02:50,722 I mean, this was a huge company, so they did other things... 53 00:02:52,947 --> 00:02:56,440 But mostly they wanted the public to focus on the yellow fuzzy stuff. 54 00:02:56,441 --> 00:02:59,677 Anyway, Marshall managed to score an internship in their legal department 55 00:02:59,678 --> 00:03:01,650 because he knew someone who worked there. 56 00:03:03,126 --> 00:03:04,505 Go for Barney. 57 00:03:04,506 --> 00:03:07,037 Mr. Stinson, this is Willis from lobby security. 58 00:03:07,038 --> 00:03:11,058 Sorry to bother you, but we've had reports of a sasquatch loose in the building. 59 00:03:11,087 --> 00:03:12,195 A sasquatch? 60 00:03:12,196 --> 00:03:14,839 That's right, sir, a Bigfoot. 61 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:18,136 We don't want to alarm you, but he's been spotted on your floor. 62 00:03:24,048 --> 00:03:25,247 Yes! 63 00:03:25,248 --> 00:03:26,742 Look at you. 64 00:03:26,743 --> 00:03:29,667 You suited in an unmistakably upward direction. 65 00:03:29,668 --> 00:03:33,293 Whoa. That is a butt-load of motivational posters. 66 00:03:33,294 --> 00:03:37,346 Yeah, hell, yeah. I got 'em all: Teamwork, Courage, Awesomeness... 67 00:03:37,562 --> 00:03:38,621 There's one for awesomeness? 68 00:03:38,622 --> 00:03:40,244 Yeah, I had it made. 69 00:03:40,777 --> 00:03:41,686 Sit. 70 00:03:41,687 --> 00:03:45,374 Hey, so, now that I'm working here, are you finally going to tell me exactly what your job is? 71 00:03:45,797 --> 00:03:46,759 Please. 72 00:03:46,765 --> 00:03:48,938 - My dawg! - My dawg! 73 00:03:48,939 --> 00:03:51,469 Hey, Blauman, Bilson, this is Marshall. These guys are in legal. 74 00:03:51,470 --> 00:03:52,504 You're gonna be working with them. 75 00:03:52,505 --> 00:03:53,909 Marshall Eriksen. Nice to meet you. 76 00:03:53,910 --> 00:03:55,778 Nice tie. Steak sauce. 77 00:03:55,779 --> 00:03:58,087 Oh, steak sauce! For true, though. 78 00:03:58,088 --> 00:03:59,607 Where, I don't, I don't see... 79 00:03:59,608 --> 00:04:01,104 Marshall? Sidebar. 80 00:04:03,761 --> 00:04:08,861 Your tie is steak sauce. It means A-1. A-1? Get it? Try to keep up. 81 00:04:09,035 --> 00:04:12,768 Okay, Eriksen, let's get to work. It's 2:00 a.m. It's raining outside. 82 00:04:12,769 --> 00:04:14,654 Ding dong! What? The doorbell? 83 00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:18,170 Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trench coat and nothing else. 84 00:04:18,171 --> 00:04:21,094 But wait-- knock, knock. Somebody's at the back door? 85 00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:21,910 I don't have a back door. 86 00:04:21,911 --> 00:04:25,471 Oh, my gosh, Jessica Simpson? What a surprise. 87 00:04:25,472 --> 00:04:29,852 Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one. What do you do? Go. 88 00:04:30,084 --> 00:04:32,232 Right. Well, uh... I'm engaged, so-- 89 00:04:32,233 --> 00:04:35,251 Fiancee's out of town. What do you do? Go. 90 00:04:35,653 --> 00:04:37,457 We're still engaged, even if she's... 91 00:04:37,458 --> 00:04:41,483 Okay, fiancee's dead. Hit by a bus. What do you do? Go. 92 00:04:45,846 --> 00:04:47,072 Sure you don't want one? 93 00:04:47,073 --> 00:04:48,750 How many of those have you eaten? 94 00:04:48,751 --> 00:04:52,117 Four. Teen. No, just four. 95 00:04:52,118 --> 00:04:53,811 And the icing from two more. 96 00:04:54,563 --> 00:04:57,377 So, anyway, here's the problem. 97 00:04:57,378 --> 00:04:59,433 Hey, it's Ted. I guess you're asleep. 98 00:04:59,434 --> 00:05:03,851 Anyway, I got the care package, and it's just great. 99 00:05:04,057 --> 00:05:05,775 Here, listen... 100 00:05:06,559 --> 00:05:08,737 Mmm. Mmm! 101 00:05:08,738 --> 00:05:13,975 So I'm standing there, my mouth full of this delicious relationship-winning cupcake... 102 00:05:14,754 --> 00:05:17,244 And... I said something dumb. 103 00:05:17,245 --> 00:05:20,408 Oh, and, um... don't worry, yours is in the mail. 104 00:05:20,419 --> 00:05:22,029 I sent it a couple days ago. 105 00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:23,602 And it's awesome. 106 00:05:23,619 --> 00:05:25,513 Really, really awesome. 107 00:05:25,537 --> 00:05:27,361 Why did I say that? 108 00:05:27,362 --> 00:05:30,150 I think frosting makes me lie. 109 00:05:30,743 --> 00:05:32,251 Oh, Teddy boy. 110 00:05:32,252 --> 00:05:36,620 Yeah. So now, whatever I send her, she'll know I sent it after I talked to her. 111 00:05:36,621 --> 00:05:40,797 So that's the problem. You work on that. I'm gonna eat this cupcake. 112 00:05:41,070 --> 00:05:43,390 All right, here's what you do: 113 00:05:43,391 --> 00:05:46,133 Put together a care package of stuff from New York-- 114 00:05:46,134 --> 00:05:49,169 some H&H bagels, an Empire State Building keychain... 115 00:05:49,170 --> 00:05:52,590 and then, top off the package with a New York Times... Ready? 116 00:05:52,591 --> 00:05:54,436 From three days ago. 117 00:05:54,954 --> 00:05:56,375 That's brilliant. 118 00:05:56,593 --> 00:05:58,023 You're brilliant. 119 00:05:58,708 --> 00:06:00,391 You know, it's funny, not so long ago, 120 00:06:00,392 --> 00:06:03,575 I was coming to Marshall and Lily for advice on how to impress you. 121 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,128 That is funny. 122 00:06:05,338 --> 00:06:07,189 And here's why it was funny. 123 00:06:07,190 --> 00:06:09,467 Little did I realize, a few weeks earlier, 124 00:06:09,468 --> 00:06:12,322 here's what Robin was saying to Lily about me. 125 00:06:12,323 --> 00:06:14,751 Okay, fine, I have feelings for him. 126 00:06:15,519 --> 00:06:18,701 Now it's ironic, the girl I used to like is helping me impress the girl I now like. 127 00:06:18,702 --> 00:06:20,180 The irony is clear, Ted. 128 00:06:23,831 --> 00:06:27,074 Hey! How was your first day? 129 00:06:27,075 --> 00:06:28,712 I don't wanna talk about it. 130 00:06:30,846 --> 00:06:33,566 The guys I work with are a bunch of jerks. 131 00:06:33,612 --> 00:06:35,363 - What? - They're jerks! 132 00:06:35,364 --> 00:06:37,099 What makes them jerks? 133 00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:39,182 Forget it, I don't want to talk about it. 134 00:06:39,623 --> 00:06:41,367 Well, like today at lunch.. 135 00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:46,093 What do you got there, Ericksen? Mommy pack your lunch? 136 00:06:46,537 --> 00:06:48,686 For your information, my fiancee did. 137 00:06:48,687 --> 00:06:52,304 Oh... Does she cut the crusts off your sandwich, too? 138 00:06:52,305 --> 00:06:53,530 No. 139 00:07:00,657 --> 00:07:01,780 What's that? 140 00:07:01,781 --> 00:07:02,840 Nothing. 141 00:07:03,105 --> 00:07:03,993 Give it. 142 00:07:03,994 --> 00:07:08,062 "Dear Marshmallow. Good luck today. I love you. Lilypad." 143 00:07:08,063 --> 00:07:08,940 Give it. 144 00:07:08,940 --> 00:07:13,890 P.S. If you've unfolded this note, your kiss already got out. Quick-- catch it." 145 00:07:13,890 --> 00:07:17,223 Give it back. Hey, give it. Gimme... Give it! 146 00:07:17,223 --> 00:07:20,025 Oh, screw those guys! We're adorable. 147 00:07:20,025 --> 00:07:21,824 I know. God. 148 00:07:21,825 --> 00:07:23,899 It's like freshman year all over again. 149 00:07:23,900 --> 00:07:27,440 Only this time, my sweet dance moves aren't going to be enough to win them over. 150 00:07:27,441 --> 00:07:29,268 Not even Old Reliable. 151 00:07:34,035 --> 00:07:37,684 Sweetie... It would be cool to have some extra money, 152 00:07:37,685 --> 00:07:41,272 but, but, if you're unhappy, it's not worth it. 153 00:07:41,769 --> 00:07:42,847 I quit. 154 00:07:42,848 --> 00:07:45,498 What? No. We're having so much fun. 155 00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:47,530 You, me, working together. It's great. 156 00:07:47,531 --> 00:07:51,078 We're not even working together, Barney. I'm in the legal department and you're... 157 00:07:51,079 --> 00:07:52,979 Seriously, what is it that you do? 158 00:07:53,312 --> 00:07:54,317 Please. 159 00:07:55,201 --> 00:07:58,993 I'm sorry, dude, this corporate thing, it's just... it's not for me. 160 00:07:58,994 --> 00:08:01,259 Oh, of course it's not for you. 161 00:08:01,804 --> 00:08:03,308 It's for Lily. 162 00:08:04,445 --> 00:08:05,221 What? 163 00:08:05,222 --> 00:08:07,701 Marshall. Lily's a catch. 164 00:08:07,702 --> 00:08:11,172 But do you really think you're going to hang onto a girl that great without the package? 165 00:08:11,173 --> 00:08:12,278 The package? 166 00:08:12,279 --> 00:08:15,747 The package. The house. The car. Sending your kids to a great school. 167 00:08:15,748 --> 00:08:17,096 A vacation once in a while. 168 00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:19,158 Lily doesn't care about that stuff. 169 00:08:19,159 --> 00:08:22,960 Well, no-- now she doesn't, but how's she going to feel in a couple years, 170 00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:26,077 when she's supporting you on a kindergarten teacher's salary 171 00:08:26,078 --> 00:08:32,927 while you're off in court defending some... endangered... South American... flying beaver. 172 00:08:36,594 --> 00:08:37,893 She'll be happy. 173 00:08:37,929 --> 00:08:39,051 Okay. 174 00:08:39,636 --> 00:08:44,933 But will you be happy knowing you could have made her a lot happier. 175 00:08:46,715 --> 00:08:52,606 And all four are totally naked. You gotta choose one. What do you do? Go. 176 00:08:53,422 --> 00:08:55,183 I guess, uh... 177 00:08:56,112 --> 00:08:57,347 Bea Arthur. 178 00:08:57,348 --> 00:09:00,517 Ahh! Wrong! Betty White. 179 00:09:01,535 --> 00:09:03,116 Clean this stuff up, Eriksen. 180 00:09:06,853 --> 00:09:09,282 So, did she get the awesome care package yet? 181 00:09:09,283 --> 00:09:10,670 Yep. Yesterday. 182 00:09:10,671 --> 00:09:11,808 Did she love it? 183 00:09:11,809 --> 00:09:13,733 Ooh, she loved it. 184 00:09:13,734 --> 00:09:15,315 So what's the problem? 185 00:09:15,643 --> 00:09:18,549 So I was talking to her last night. And, I should tell you, 186 00:09:18,550 --> 00:09:21,443 we've been talking on the phone every other night for, like, an hour and a half. 187 00:09:21,444 --> 00:09:23,874 Eventually you just run out of stuff to say. 188 00:09:25,755 --> 00:09:27,688 What did you have for lunch today? 189 00:09:29,475 --> 00:09:31,229 Oh. Rye bread. 190 00:09:38,730 --> 00:09:40,002 Yeah. 191 00:09:46,531 --> 00:09:48,444 Oh, Teddy boy. 192 00:09:48,527 --> 00:09:52,734 I'm usually so good at being a boyfriend, but this never-seeing-each-other thing, it's a bitch. 193 00:09:52,735 --> 00:09:54,469 Maybe it just can't be done. 194 00:09:54,867 --> 00:09:56,784 I think it's clear what I have to do. 195 00:09:57,445 --> 00:09:59,188 It's pretty clear. 196 00:09:59,998 --> 00:10:02,547 I have to go to Germany and surprise her. 197 00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:05,565 Totally what I was thinking. 198 00:10:05,566 --> 00:10:07,422 Get out of my head, man! 199 00:10:11,333 --> 00:10:14,413 Barney, how do I get these idiots to leave me alone? 200 00:10:15,251 --> 00:10:17,989 Marshall, consider the penguins. 201 00:10:18,408 --> 00:10:19,426 The penguins? 202 00:10:19,427 --> 00:10:20,595 On the wall. 203 00:10:25,897 --> 00:10:30,133 "Conformity. It's the one who's different that gets left out in the cold." 204 00:10:30,134 --> 00:10:31,859 This is a motivational poster? 205 00:10:32,063 --> 00:10:34,235 Look at yourself, Marshall. You're not happy. 206 00:10:34,236 --> 00:10:37,045 And you know why? Because you're different. 207 00:10:37,118 --> 00:10:42,258 Now, I suppose you could learn to love yourself for the unique little snowflake that you are, 208 00:10:42,259 --> 00:10:46,725 or... you could change your entire personality, which is just so much easier. 209 00:10:47,940 --> 00:10:53,014 Change your personality? That is so awful, and not at all motivational. 210 00:10:53,015 --> 00:10:55,842 Not necessarily. Okay, at first, I was appalled, 211 00:10:55,843 --> 00:11:01,099 but then I realized it's just like Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vasquez in Life Among the Gorillas. 212 00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:05,679 I have to gain the acceptance of the herd by behaving exactly like one of them. 213 00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:08,573 It's an anthropological study. Isn't that cool? 214 00:11:08,574 --> 00:11:10,910 It sounds kinda like peer pressure. 215 00:11:10,911 --> 00:11:14,194 No, no, no. It's totally anthropological 216 00:11:14,195 --> 00:11:16,407 and it's cool and I'm doing it. 217 00:11:16,408 --> 00:11:20,690 Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's peer pressure. We have an assembly every year. 218 00:11:20,721 --> 00:11:24,704 I'm portraying someone who succumbs to peer pressure. 219 00:11:24,705 --> 00:11:30,056 All right, but if those guys try to pressure you to smoke, what do you say? 220 00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:32,514 - Only when I'm drunk. - Good boy. 221 00:11:33,369 --> 00:11:37,700 And so, to fit in with the gorillas, Marshall had to learn to act like a gorilla, 222 00:11:37,701 --> 00:11:39,994 and that meant gorilla lessons. 223 00:11:39,995 --> 00:11:42,896 Okay, I'm psyched about this. 224 00:11:42,897 --> 00:11:45,798 But if I'm going to mentor you, I need to know you're psyched about this, too. 225 00:11:45,799 --> 00:11:48,326 Oh, I am. I'm, I'm psyched. 226 00:11:48,327 --> 00:11:51,940 Yeah, but it's one thing to say it, it's another thing to show it. 227 00:11:53,801 --> 00:11:54,844 Show it. 228 00:11:58,488 --> 00:11:59,692 I'm psyched! 229 00:12:01,053 --> 00:12:02,252 What was that? 230 00:12:05,508 --> 00:12:11,280 Marshall, I should feel tremors of psychitude rock my body like a seizure. 231 00:12:11,281 --> 00:12:15,658 That was like a declawed pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting 232 00:12:15,659 --> 00:12:18,612 at a fly on a lazy Sunday afternoon. 233 00:12:19,552 --> 00:12:21,651 Wow, that was really specific. 234 00:12:21,652 --> 00:12:23,845 Show me you're psyched! 235 00:12:26,535 --> 00:12:28,153 Let's do this! 236 00:12:28,514 --> 00:12:31,082 - Ow! That hurt! - So badly. 237 00:12:31,718 --> 00:12:36,864 And then you slip it to the guy with a discreet handshake and he'll get it done. 238 00:12:36,888 --> 00:12:38,686 Right. Get what done? 239 00:12:38,687 --> 00:12:39,781 Whatever. 240 00:12:39,782 --> 00:12:40,725 Cool. 241 00:12:40,726 --> 00:12:42,145 And what guy is this? 242 00:12:42,296 --> 00:12:43,723 There's always a guy. 243 00:12:43,724 --> 00:12:47,522 Okay, all right, I, uh, I think I'm ready. 244 00:12:47,523 --> 00:12:50,640 You sure? You want to practice your story one more time? 245 00:12:51,314 --> 00:12:52,603 All right. 246 00:12:55,488 --> 00:12:59,847 So dude, check it. I'm in San Diego with two of my bro-sephs from Kappa, 247 00:12:59,848 --> 00:13:03,891 and they're all, "Yo, Eriksen, let's roll to the strip clubs." 248 00:13:03,892 --> 00:13:06,197 So I'm, like, "Snapadoo!" 249 00:13:06,198 --> 00:13:08,847 So we find this choice nudie nest near the airport... 250 00:13:08,848 --> 00:13:11,851 ...and that is when the bouncer kicked us out. 251 00:13:11,852 --> 00:13:18,236 Now, I have no idea if Svetlana ever got her green card, but dudes, fake diamond ring? 252 00:13:18,237 --> 00:13:20,345 Worth every penny, bruh. 253 00:13:21,548 --> 00:13:22,850 Eriksen... 254 00:13:23,554 --> 00:13:27,166 ...that was steak sauce! 255 00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:32,279 Great story. 256 00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:49,857 The next moning, I was about to buy my ticket to Germany when I got an e-mail. 257 00:13:50,206 --> 00:13:51,397 Uh-oh. 258 00:13:51,398 --> 00:13:53,731 "Hey, Ted, sorry I missed your call last night. 259 00:13:53,732 --> 00:13:56,144 This long-distance thing sucks, huh? 260 00:13:56,145 --> 00:13:59,182 Listen, I've been thinking and I really need to talk to you tonight. 261 00:13:59,183 --> 00:14:01,193 I'll call you at 11:00. Victoria." 262 00:14:01,785 --> 00:14:02,696 So? 263 00:14:02,697 --> 00:14:05,032 So she's going to dump me. 264 00:14:05,033 --> 00:14:06,787 Has anyone ever said, "Listen, I've been thinking," 265 00:14:06,788 --> 00:14:08,409 and then follow it up with something good? 266 00:14:08,410 --> 00:14:12,900 It's not like: Listen, I've been thinking, Nutter-Butters are an underrated cookie. 267 00:14:13,569 --> 00:14:14,866 What else can it be? 268 00:14:14,867 --> 00:14:18,052 What could she possibly have to say to me that she couldn't write in an e-mail? 269 00:14:18,092 --> 00:14:19,863 I cut off all my fingers? 270 00:14:21,555 --> 00:14:25,755 Ted, you're a great guy. I know it, you know it, she knows it. 271 00:14:25,756 --> 00:14:29,493 I would bet you a gazillion dollars-- no, I'm even more confident. 272 00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:33,706 I would bet you a floppity jillion dollars that she's not calling to break up with you. 273 00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:36,487 Thanks. You're right. I'm being crazy. 274 00:14:36,488 --> 00:14:38,315 So I should still buy that plane ticket, right? 275 00:14:38,316 --> 00:14:39,587 I'd wait. 276 00:14:41,984 --> 00:14:44,818 'Sup, Blauman? E-bomb here. 277 00:14:44,819 --> 00:14:46,680 We still on for karaoke? 278 00:14:47,027 --> 00:14:52,079 Dope. I'm going to rock you on the mike so hard your hears are going to bleed gravy. 279 00:14:52,353 --> 00:14:55,300 Catch you on the flip, butt puppet. 280 00:14:55,888 --> 00:14:56,952 Okay... 281 00:14:59,021 --> 00:15:00,629 ...what do you think? 282 00:15:00,989 --> 00:15:02,467 Steak sauce. 283 00:15:03,109 --> 00:15:04,853 Steak sauce? 284 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,270 Yeah. 285 00:15:06,504 --> 00:15:11,138 Look, you know, whatever anthropology you do at work is your business, 286 00:15:11,139 --> 00:15:14,379 but please don't act like that around here. 287 00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:16,961 Lily, when Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-... 288 00:15:16,962 --> 00:15:21,930 No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline came home from the gorillas, 289 00:15:21,931 --> 00:15:27,399 she didn't run around picking nits out of people's hair and-and throwing feces. 290 00:15:27,523 --> 00:15:31,071 I'm begging you just, just leave it at the office. 291 00:15:31,072 --> 00:15:31,983 Why? 292 00:15:31,984 --> 00:15:36,151 Because you're acting like one of those guys, and those guys are lame. 293 00:15:36,152 --> 00:15:39,112 Okay, those guys were mean at first, yes, 294 00:15:39,113 --> 00:15:43,130 but they're actually good guys, and if you got to know them, then you would see that. 295 00:15:43,482 --> 00:15:49,665 Come karaoke with us tonight, and you'll see how totally not that lame they are, okay? 296 00:15:49,872 --> 00:15:51,265 Okay. 297 00:15:51,697 --> 00:15:55,308 But wait, knock-knock, back door, who's there? 298 00:15:55,309 --> 00:15:59,881 Angelina Jolie... wait, in a wheelchair. 299 00:15:59,882 --> 00:16:01,895 What do you do? Go. 300 00:16:01,896 --> 00:16:05,440 Dude, Scarlett Johannsen with no arms, any day of the week. 301 00:16:05,837 --> 00:16:06,864 Yeah. 302 00:16:07,086 --> 00:16:09,824 You're right. They're delightful. 303 00:16:10,994 --> 00:16:12,462 So, Barney, you gonna sing anything? 304 00:16:12,463 --> 00:16:14,910 Nah. I'm so over karaoke. 305 00:16:14,911 --> 00:16:17,372 Really? I thought you'd be totally into it. 306 00:16:17,373 --> 00:16:21,068 Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm good. The best, really. 307 00:16:21,115 --> 00:16:25,920 But it's the greatest samurai who lets his sword rust in its scabbard. 308 00:16:25,939 --> 00:16:27,981 Oh, baby, they have our song. 309 00:16:27,982 --> 00:16:30,185 Let's do "Don't Go Breaking My Heart." 310 00:16:30,254 --> 00:16:31,421 What? 311 00:16:31,422 --> 00:16:34,226 "Don't Go Breaking My Heart." Elton John, Kiki Dee. 312 00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:37,300 No way. You got to go with some Black Sabbath. 313 00:16:37,301 --> 00:16:40,022 Well, actually, Marshall and I have this little dance routine. 314 00:16:40,023 --> 00:16:42,769 "Iron Man." I could do "Iron Man." 315 00:16:42,770 --> 00:16:43,798 Steak sauce. 316 00:16:43,799 --> 00:16:45,371 Steak sauce, dude. 317 00:16:46,433 --> 00:16:47,722 Should we tell him? 318 00:16:48,061 --> 00:16:50,463 All right, Eriksen, I've got some good news. 319 00:16:50,464 --> 00:16:54,447 On Monday, Bilson and I are going to talk to Montague in HR. 320 00:16:54,448 --> 00:16:58,428 When you graduate, we want you working with us. 321 00:16:58,541 --> 00:16:59,907 What do you say? 322 00:17:05,464 --> 00:17:07,144 - Yes! - That's my man! 323 00:17:07,145 --> 00:17:08,438 I told you he would. 324 00:17:09,839 --> 00:17:11,856 Aw, we're gonna own the office. 325 00:17:16,338 --> 00:17:18,321 Okay, that was gross. 326 00:17:18,322 --> 00:17:21,901 When were you going to tell me you changed your entire career path? 327 00:17:21,902 --> 00:17:25,471 Nothing has changed, okay? I still want to help the environment. 328 00:17:25,472 --> 00:17:28,855 I just thought that maybe I could make some money for a few years. 329 00:17:28,856 --> 00:17:32,983 We could buy an apartment, send our kids to good schools. 330 00:17:32,984 --> 00:17:35,175 You could quit your job and focus on your painting. 331 00:17:35,176 --> 00:17:37,375 I know that you say you don't need it, but... 332 00:17:37,376 --> 00:17:40,866 I love you and I want to give it to you anyway. 333 00:17:40,867 --> 00:17:42,956 I want to give you the package. 334 00:17:42,957 --> 00:17:47,133 The package?! You've already given me the package. 335 00:17:47,134 --> 00:17:51,020 You've got a great package, Marshall. I love your package. 336 00:17:51,021 --> 00:17:57,108 Lily, you're the most incredible woman I know, and you deserve a big package. 337 00:17:57,109 --> 00:18:00,458 Your package has always been big enough. 338 00:18:00,993 --> 00:18:03,775 You may not realize this, Marshall Eriksen, 339 00:18:03,776 --> 00:18:06,729 but you've got a huge package. 340 00:18:13,083 --> 00:18:13,841 Yeah. 341 00:18:18,628 --> 00:18:19,596 Hello. 342 00:18:19,597 --> 00:18:20,693 Why hasn't she called yet? 343 00:18:20,694 --> 00:18:23,480 Okay, you're making yourself crazy. It's Saturday night. 344 00:18:23,481 --> 00:18:24,618 Go out and do something. 345 00:18:24,619 --> 00:18:28,602 No, what's the point of going out? I got a girlfriend... for now. 346 00:18:28,645 --> 00:18:31,325 Besides, if I go out, who's going to watch the news? I'm, like, half your viewership. 347 00:18:31,326 --> 00:18:33,880 I'm flattered you think we have two viewers. 348 00:18:34,331 --> 00:18:37,147 She's not going to break up with you, Ted. You're awesome. 349 00:18:37,148 --> 00:18:38,386 Thanks. 350 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:41,076 Anyway, it's almost 11:00. I should let you go. 351 00:18:41,077 --> 00:18:42,278 Break a leg. 352 00:18:42,279 --> 00:18:47,771 And so I was sitting at home, waiting for the phone to ring, something occurred to me. 353 00:18:47,947 --> 00:18:52,114 I'm actually sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring. 354 00:18:54,421 --> 00:18:57,374 He's giving you the blues 355 00:18:57,887 --> 00:19:01,504 You want to graduate, but not in his bed 356 00:19:01,505 --> 00:19:04,232 Here's what you got to do 357 00:19:04,945 --> 00:19:06,595 Pick up the phone... 358 00:19:06,596 --> 00:19:07,745 Marshall. 359 00:19:08,034 --> 00:19:09,823 Hey, hey. 360 00:19:09,824 --> 00:19:11,787 Dude, I feel like I haven't seen you in a month. 361 00:19:11,788 --> 00:19:12,758 Yeah. 362 00:19:13,418 --> 00:19:14,482 Yeah. 363 00:19:14,631 --> 00:19:15,915 How you doing? 364 00:19:16,287 --> 00:19:19,020 I think Victoria's about to break up with me. 365 00:19:19,021 --> 00:19:21,255 Oh, God, I'm sorry, man. 366 00:19:21,256 --> 00:19:26,556 Yeah, well, honestly, I'm having trouble remembering what she looks like. 367 00:19:27,217 --> 00:19:29,657 The more I try to picture her, the more I can't. 368 00:19:29,658 --> 00:19:31,301 Like, I remember how she makes me feel. 369 00:19:31,302 --> 00:19:34,663 I just... I don't completely remember her. 370 00:19:34,727 --> 00:19:37,598 It's like I'm trying to preserve something that's already gone. 371 00:19:38,039 --> 00:19:40,002 Preserving something that's already gone. 372 00:19:40,003 --> 00:19:42,067 Sounds like environmental law. 373 00:19:42,995 --> 00:19:44,369 I don't know. 374 00:19:44,528 --> 00:19:47,265 We struggle so hard to hold onto these things 375 00:19:47,266 --> 00:19:49,666 that we know are going to disappear eventually. 376 00:19:49,667 --> 00:19:51,398 And that's really noble, 377 00:19:51,579 --> 00:19:55,130 but even if you save every rainforest from being turned into a parking lot, 378 00:19:55,131 --> 00:19:58,955 well, then where are you going to park your car? 379 00:20:06,899 --> 00:20:08,477 Done dirt cheap! 380 00:20:08,478 --> 00:20:10,167 Dirty deeds 381 00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:11,881 Done dirt cheap! 382 00:20:11,882 --> 00:20:13,787 Dirty deeds 383 00:20:13,788 --> 00:20:15,515 Done dirt cheap! 384 00:20:15,516 --> 00:20:19,199 Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap, ow 385 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:22,863 Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap... 386 00:20:23,333 --> 00:20:26,228 Uh, rockupied. Dude, what...? 387 00:20:30,167 --> 00:20:34,446 Next up, Marshmallow and Lillypad. 388 00:20:47,255 --> 00:20:49,930 Don't go breakin' my heart 389 00:20:50,961 --> 00:20:53,456 I couldn't if I tried 390 00:20:55,052 --> 00:20:58,279 Honey, if I get restless 391 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:00,758 Baby, you're not that kind... 392 00:21:01,007 --> 00:21:03,657 It turns out some things are worth preserving. 393 00:21:03,658 --> 00:21:05,266 But here's the real question: 394 00:21:05,267 --> 00:21:08,366 It's 2:00 a.m. Your friends are still out singing karaoke, 395 00:21:08,367 --> 00:21:12,645 but you're home early 'cause you're expecting a call from your girlfriend in Germany, 396 00:21:12,646 --> 00:21:15,188 who was supposed to call four hours ago. 397 00:21:15,189 --> 00:21:17,840 And then the phone rings. 398 00:21:21,131 --> 00:21:22,134 Hello. 399 00:21:22,135 --> 00:21:24,378 Hi, Ted. It's Robin. 400 00:21:24,379 --> 00:21:28,065 Um, listen, I know it's late, but, uh, 401 00:21:28,482 --> 00:21:30,323 do you want to come over? 402 00:21:30,863 --> 00:21:33,243 What do you do? Go.