How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 9

Subtitles
1 00:00:13,835 --> 00:00:16,071 Kids, this is a Thanksgiving story. 2 00:00:16,781 --> 00:00:19,075 Thanksgiving in New York is a wonderful time. 3 00:00:20,015 --> 00:00:22,130 It's a time for giving of yourself, 4 00:00:22,289 --> 00:00:24,034 for thinking of your fellow man. 5 00:00:24,272 --> 00:00:27,674 A time when the unforgiving city becomes a little kinder. 6 00:00:27,973 --> 00:00:30,078 Well, I just ralphed. 7 00:00:30,441 --> 00:00:32,276 How much did you guys drink last night? 8 00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:33,436 Not how much... 9 00:00:33,596 --> 00:00:34,374 what? 10 00:00:34,515 --> 00:00:36,089 The Thankstini. 11 00:00:36,389 --> 00:00:39,385 A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. 12 00:00:39,461 --> 00:00:43,524 Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. 13 00:00:43,759 --> 00:00:46,368 Tastes just like a turkey dinner. 14 00:00:46,710 --> 00:00:50,249 Mmm, it's like Thanksgiving in my mouth! 15 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:53,871 You want a good holiday drink, try his Kwanzaapolitan. 16 00:00:55,917 --> 00:00:57,027 The shuttle's here! 17 00:00:58,762 --> 00:01:01,119 He hasn't been back home to Minnesota since Christmas. 18 00:01:01,197 --> 00:01:02,367 He's a little excited. 19 00:01:02,444 --> 00:01:04,441 Lily, we're holding up the shuttle. Do you have everything you need-- 20 00:01:04,529 --> 00:01:06,536 toothbrush, pajamas, underpants? 21 00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:07,790 Underpants! 22 00:01:09,895 --> 00:01:11,344 So, Lil... 23 00:01:11,550 --> 00:01:13,220 Marshall's family. 24 00:01:13,345 --> 00:01:16,184 A whole weekend with the future in-laws. You excited? 25 00:01:16,282 --> 00:01:18,298 Yeah, no, it'll be fun. 26 00:01:18,390 --> 00:01:20,698 Lily, you just said, "Yeah, no." 27 00:01:21,493 --> 00:01:22,437 Did I? 28 00:01:22,554 --> 00:01:24,943 No. I-I love Marshall's family. 29 00:01:25,450 --> 00:01:27,130 But yeah, no, it'll be great. 30 00:01:27,238 --> 00:01:28,219 You just did it again. 31 00:01:28,361 --> 00:01:29,648 Yeah, no, shut up. 32 00:01:31,392 --> 00:01:32,952 So you're not going home for Thanksgiving? 33 00:01:33,056 --> 00:01:34,860 No, I have to work on Friday. You? 34 00:01:34,956 --> 00:01:37,696 I'm Canadian, remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October. 35 00:01:37,797 --> 00:01:40,133 Oh, right, I forgot. You guys are weird. 36 00:01:40,221 --> 00:01:42,601 You pronounce the word "out," "oat." 37 00:01:43,059 --> 00:01:46,853 You guys are the world's leader in handgun violence, your healthcare system is bankrupt, 38 00:01:46,934 --> 00:01:50,871 and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue. 39 00:01:52,056 --> 00:01:54,796 Your cops are called "Mounties." 40 00:01:56,749 --> 00:01:58,796 So probably hanging out with Barney, then? 41 00:01:58,893 --> 00:02:01,229 No. Barney's got his own Thanksgiving tradition. 42 00:02:01,338 --> 00:02:03,714 Thanksgiving in a strip club. Who's in? 43 00:02:03,990 --> 00:02:07,243 The Lusty Leopard has a surprisingly good Thanksgiving buffet. 44 00:02:07,315 --> 00:02:08,432 Plus they do this thing: 45 00:02:08,519 --> 00:02:10,162 Heather dresses up as a pilgrim, 46 00:02:10,239 --> 00:02:12,171 and Misty dresses up as an Indian, 47 00:02:12,258 --> 00:02:14,581 and they share a meal together. 48 00:02:14,669 --> 00:02:16,477 Oh, Barney. 49 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:19,504 I'm sorry... Native American. 50 00:02:20,577 --> 00:02:23,528 I think I'm going to a homeless shelter, serve food. 51 00:02:23,591 --> 00:02:24,641 That's awesome! 52 00:02:24,716 --> 00:02:28,560 Yeah, I though I'd just spend the day giving back, you know? Doing some good. 53 00:02:28,668 --> 00:02:29,823 Canceling out Barney. 54 00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:30,928 Exactly. 55 00:02:31,070 --> 00:02:32,478 Where are all my underpants! 56 00:02:32,566 --> 00:02:33,665 Did you check your suitcase? 57 00:02:36,119 --> 00:02:37,109 Let's go! 58 00:02:37,538 --> 00:02:39,096 And go they went... 59 00:02:39,259 --> 00:02:42,311 all the way to St. Cloud, Minnesota, Marshall's hometown. 60 00:02:42,860 --> 00:02:45,913 And as Lily stepped into her fiancé's boyhood home, 61 00:02:46,018 --> 00:02:47,602 she received a big welcome. 62 00:02:47,731 --> 00:02:49,542 Hello, we're home! 63 00:02:49,636 --> 00:02:51,692 Hello... hey... 64 00:02:52,326 --> 00:02:53,831 A very big welcome. 65 00:02:53,921 --> 00:02:58,133 You see, at six-foot-four, Marshall was the runt of the Eriksen clan. 66 00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:04,072 Wow, I forgot how tall you guys are. 67 00:03:04,577 --> 00:03:06,107 Where's my almost daughter-in-law? 68 00:03:06,181 --> 00:03:07,233 Here I am! 69 00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:13,092 Oh, you got yourself a great little bride here, son. 70 00:03:13,533 --> 00:03:14,431 All right, now. 71 00:03:14,625 --> 00:03:15,934 No fartin' around! 72 00:03:16,041 --> 00:03:19,286 Put your skates and your pads on, boys! Game on in five minutes! 73 00:03:19,377 --> 00:03:20,418 Yeah, all right. 74 00:03:20,511 --> 00:03:21,885 Oh, you're gonna play hockey? 75 00:03:22,844 --> 00:03:24,392 With a basketball? 76 00:03:24,474 --> 00:03:26,310 Well, it's sort of a combination of the two. 77 00:03:26,394 --> 00:03:27,930 We call it bask-ice-ball. 78 00:03:28,230 --> 00:03:29,212 We invented it. 79 00:03:29,285 --> 00:03:31,816 It's the most dangerous and awesome sport in the world. 80 00:03:31,919 --> 00:03:33,611 Bask-ice-ball? 81 00:03:33,712 --> 00:03:35,589 Not ice-ketball? 82 00:03:35,690 --> 00:03:37,960 Ice-ketball? 83 00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:39,722 That just sounds weird. 84 00:03:40,712 --> 00:03:42,745 It's bask-ice-ball, okay? 85 00:03:42,835 --> 00:03:43,975 And I'm the best. 86 00:03:44,139 --> 00:03:45,169 You wish. 87 00:03:45,621 --> 00:03:48,794 Well, maybe that's just 'cause you haven't seen me play. 88 00:03:48,885 --> 00:03:51,541 Oh... I don't know, honey. 89 00:03:51,621 --> 00:03:53,164 It's not really a sport for a girl. 90 00:03:53,243 --> 00:03:56,217 Well, that's funny, because your brother throws like a girl. 91 00:03:58,910 --> 00:04:00,099 Marcus! 92 00:04:01,536 --> 00:04:02,621 This is going to be great. 93 00:04:02,650 --> 00:04:04,945 I know. I'm so psyched we did this. 94 00:04:05,044 --> 00:04:08,847 Look at all these people, giving up their Thanksgiving to help their fellow man. 95 00:04:08,953 --> 00:04:10,775 These have got to be the best people in New York. 96 00:04:10,877 --> 00:04:13,810 ...to Grandmother's house... 'Scuse me, guys. Coming through. 97 00:04:15,021 --> 00:04:15,899 Barney? 98 00:04:16,156 --> 00:04:17,598 Well, hi guys. 99 00:04:17,811 --> 00:04:19,046 What are you doing here? 100 00:04:19,157 --> 00:04:21,201 Oh, just the Lord's work. 101 00:04:21,958 --> 00:04:23,623 But you're Satan. 102 00:04:23,749 --> 00:04:27,638 Guys, okay, look. I don't advertise it, but I volunteer here. 103 00:04:27,729 --> 00:04:30,344 I think it's important to help the less fortunate. 104 00:04:30,451 --> 00:04:33,295 I'm the Angelina Jolie of incredibly hot guys. 105 00:04:34,245 --> 00:04:35,757 This is a joke, right? 106 00:04:35,836 --> 00:04:37,129 You don't actually volunteer here. 107 00:04:37,211 --> 00:04:40,307 Barney, we need you out front. There's a logjam on the stuffing line. 108 00:04:40,381 --> 00:04:41,213 Can you show them how it's done? 109 00:04:41,294 --> 00:04:42,248 I'm on it. 110 00:04:42,523 --> 00:04:44,674 Wait, so this is real? Barney does this? 111 00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:46,290 Every Sunday, all year long. 112 00:04:46,382 --> 00:04:47,488 He's our best volunteer. 113 00:04:47,569 --> 00:04:49,067 That's 'cause I was trained by the best, Kendall. 114 00:04:50,136 --> 00:04:52,530 Anyway, we're psyched to be here, Kendall. 115 00:04:52,605 --> 00:04:53,474 What do you need us to do? 116 00:04:53,564 --> 00:04:55,769 Uh, go home. We're full. 117 00:04:55,856 --> 00:04:56,608 What? 118 00:04:56,711 --> 00:04:58,573 We're volunteers. We're unpaid help. 119 00:04:58,678 --> 00:05:00,625 Can you ever really have enough unpaid help? 120 00:05:00,744 --> 00:05:02,903 On the biggest volunteer day of the year? 121 00:05:02,989 --> 00:05:04,510 Yeah, you can. 122 00:05:04,589 --> 00:05:05,982 Come on, we just want to help out. 123 00:05:06,075 --> 00:05:07,960 Kendall, they're cool. 124 00:05:08,924 --> 00:05:11,240 Fine, but I'm not promising anything. 125 00:05:11,304 --> 00:05:13,601 Wait here-- we'll let you know if we need you. 126 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:18,212 Okay, well, I'd better get back out there. There's a lot of food to give out. 127 00:05:18,605 --> 00:05:19,914 And a lot of smiles. 128 00:05:22,865 --> 00:05:25,667 Oh, I almost forgot. 129 00:05:25,821 --> 00:05:32,050 I know it's early, but... you are a future Mrs. Eriksen. 130 00:05:33,049 --> 00:05:34,449 Thank you! 131 00:05:34,577 --> 00:05:38,647 Well, it'll go great with my, uh... I just love it. 132 00:05:39,869 --> 00:05:42,167 Okay, Lily, we're putting you on salad duty. 133 00:05:42,286 --> 00:05:48,385 Oh, I make this great frisee and endive salad with a coriander-lime vinaigrette. 134 00:05:48,683 --> 00:05:51,355 But this is an American holiday. 135 00:05:52,247 --> 00:05:56,075 Lily, now that you're going to be a Mrs. Eriksen, 136 00:05:56,178 --> 00:05:59,860 I'm going to let you in on a secret recipe: 137 00:06:00,132 --> 00:06:03,955 the Eriksen family seven-layer salad. 138 00:06:04,762 --> 00:06:06,809 Seven-layer salad? 139 00:06:08,804 --> 00:06:11,916 "Six cups of mayonnaise"? That can't be right. 140 00:06:11,990 --> 00:06:13,974 Oh, no, dear. 16 cups. 141 00:06:14,941 --> 00:06:16,309 Mayo's in that cabinet. 142 00:06:19,550 --> 00:06:20,598 Oh, my God. 143 00:06:20,702 --> 00:06:23,499 There is some serious bask-ice-ball going on out there. 144 00:06:23,591 --> 00:06:25,806 Dad totally nailed Marcus in the face with a snowball, 145 00:06:25,832 --> 00:06:28,323 which is a foul, 'cause you only get one snowball per possession, 146 00:06:28,395 --> 00:06:31,786 so I nailed him in the shin with my skate and I totally dunked it! 147 00:06:32,004 --> 00:06:34,833 Yeah, you were sittin' pretty till I whacked you with that mallet. 148 00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:35,940 Hey, gorgeous. 149 00:06:36,894 --> 00:06:38,177 You having fun? 150 00:06:38,352 --> 00:06:40,804 Yeah, but... but I kind of miss you. 151 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:42,693 Could you stay in here for a little bit? 152 00:06:42,779 --> 00:06:44,750 Yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem. It's halftime. 153 00:06:44,853 --> 00:06:47,795 Oh, halftime's over! Get your butts out here! Come on. 154 00:06:47,890 --> 00:06:51,211 And I hope you like the taste of skate, dorko! 155 00:06:52,754 --> 00:06:53,730 Go. 156 00:06:54,194 --> 00:06:55,594 Thanks, baby. 157 00:06:55,925 --> 00:06:58,107 Aw, isn't this great? 158 00:06:58,193 --> 00:07:01,193 Can't you see why everyone from my high school stays in this town? 159 00:07:01,758 --> 00:07:05,061 Hey, Marvin, you're the dorko, dorko. 160 00:07:10,406 --> 00:07:12,357 Man, it's amazing out there. 161 00:07:12,452 --> 00:07:15,697 I've done so much good today, I've got like a soul boner. 162 00:07:16,947 --> 00:07:19,503 Man, he way the faces of the less fortunate light up 163 00:07:19,577 --> 00:07:23,033 when you give them a hot, nutritious meal. Is there a better feeling on Earth? 164 00:07:23,124 --> 00:07:26,723 Yesterday you said the best feeling on Earth was getting your toes sucked. 165 00:07:26,830 --> 00:07:30,285 Then you requested a high-five with your foot. 166 00:07:31,299 --> 00:07:35,700 Hey, Barn, what do you say you let us sub in for you, scoop stuffing for a little bit? 167 00:07:35,959 --> 00:07:38,027 You want to scoop stuffing your first day out? 168 00:07:38,121 --> 00:07:40,758 Hello? NFL? Can I be quarterback this Sunday? 169 00:07:40,833 --> 00:07:41,521 Dude. 170 00:07:44,807 --> 00:07:49,054 Okay, I finished the gummi bear layer of the... salad. 171 00:07:49,132 --> 00:07:50,141 What's next? 172 00:07:51,136 --> 00:07:53,299 Potato chips. Of course. 173 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:57,113 So, Lily... when are you gonna start thinking about having a baby? 174 00:07:57,782 --> 00:07:58,685 Baby? 175 00:07:58,782 --> 00:08:02,187 Uh, you know, I hadn't really thought about it. 176 00:08:02,279 --> 00:08:03,242 At all. 177 00:08:03,422 --> 00:08:05,097 Actually, Aunt Lily was lying. 178 00:08:05,188 --> 00:08:06,812 It was all she'd been thinking about. 179 00:08:06,909 --> 00:08:08,600 You see, remember when she said... 180 00:08:08,830 --> 00:08:10,936 Well, I just ralphed... 181 00:08:11,248 --> 00:08:13,691 At that point, she was five days late. 182 00:08:13,790 --> 00:08:15,434 This was day six. 183 00:08:16,318 --> 00:08:19,444 Yeah, I mean, I'm way too young to have a baby, right? 184 00:08:19,517 --> 00:08:20,944 Oh, are you kidding? 185 00:08:21,033 --> 00:08:22,900 I was younger than you when I had Marcus. 186 00:08:23,005 --> 00:08:25,579 Beautiful 15-pound boy. 187 00:08:26,119 --> 00:08:28,485 Not much bigger than this turkey right here. 188 00:08:32,852 --> 00:08:34,213 Oh, my. 189 00:08:37,653 --> 00:08:41,222 Now, if Lily was already uneasy about joining the Eriksen family, 190 00:08:41,303 --> 00:08:46,568 imagine how she felt about possibly having a 15-pound Eriksen growing inside of her. 191 00:08:46,933 --> 00:08:49,490 That's a big baby, Judy. 192 00:08:49,601 --> 00:08:51,407 The doctor thought he was twins. 193 00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:52,926 Twins! 194 00:08:54,133 --> 00:08:55,523 Twins! 195 00:08:58,687 --> 00:09:01,862 This is crazy! When did it get so hard to do charity work? 196 00:09:01,949 --> 00:09:03,661 I do charity work all the time. 197 00:09:03,753 --> 00:09:05,549 Remember when I said I'd find you a girlfriend? 198 00:09:06,004 --> 00:09:07,305 Delightful. 199 00:09:07,455 --> 00:09:09,166 How's that little project coming along anyway? 200 00:09:09,263 --> 00:09:10,213 I'm working on it. 201 00:09:10,319 --> 00:09:13,012 I'm gonna introduce you to that girl you've been staring at. 202 00:09:13,095 --> 00:09:15,076 What? That's crazy, I haven't been staring at any girl... 203 00:09:15,191 --> 00:09:16,437 Have you met Ted? 204 00:09:17,052 --> 00:09:19,298 Hi. I'm the afore mentioned Ted. 205 00:09:19,380 --> 00:09:21,452 And this is... um, gone. 206 00:09:21,872 --> 00:09:22,801 I'm Amanda. 207 00:09:22,890 --> 00:09:23,533 Hi. 208 00:09:23,616 --> 00:09:25,285 So, uh, what do you do here, Ted? 209 00:09:25,366 --> 00:09:28,642 Well, I've been... um, nothing. I do nothing. 210 00:09:29,725 --> 00:09:30,936 Well, if you want to do something, 211 00:09:31,018 --> 00:09:33,247 you and your girlfriend can help sort through these donations. 212 00:09:33,317 --> 00:09:35,488 Oh, um, I'm not his girlfriend. 213 00:09:35,573 --> 00:09:40,448 I used to be, but, um, I just wasn't enough woman for Ted emotionally 214 00:09:40,552 --> 00:09:42,228 or sexually. 215 00:09:42,475 --> 00:09:43,858 Oh, my God. 216 00:09:44,201 --> 00:09:46,442 So, Amanda... 217 00:09:46,861 --> 00:09:48,603 What do you need us to do? 218 00:09:48,781 --> 00:09:50,023 Okay, this is important. 219 00:09:50,098 --> 00:09:52,044 Go through all these boxes of food donations, 220 00:09:52,135 --> 00:09:54,628 take out the really good stuff, and put it into this box. 221 00:09:54,725 --> 00:09:55,445 Got it. 222 00:09:55,532 --> 00:09:56,928 Consider it sorted. 223 00:09:58,211 --> 00:09:59,160 Hey, we're in business. 224 00:09:59,209 --> 00:10:01,653 Hey, Barney's not gonna get all the glory today. 225 00:10:06,198 --> 00:10:07,189 Let's start with this one. 226 00:10:07,287 --> 00:10:08,142 Yeah. 227 00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:10,181 Amen. 228 00:10:10,471 --> 00:10:11,623 Amen. 229 00:10:12,267 --> 00:10:14,455 Look who came to say good night. 230 00:10:14,559 --> 00:10:15,870 It's little Martin. 231 00:10:16,016 --> 00:10:17,655 Three months old. 232 00:10:17,873 --> 00:10:19,009 Months? 233 00:10:19,144 --> 00:10:20,319 Three months. 234 00:10:20,428 --> 00:10:21,891 He's been drinking his milk. 235 00:10:26,145 --> 00:10:28,310 And she's already pregnant again? 236 00:10:28,401 --> 00:10:31,538 Well, that's 'cause those Eriksen boys' boys can swim. 237 00:10:31,639 --> 00:10:34,321 They've got two tails and a drill bit for a head. 238 00:10:35,411 --> 00:10:37,287 Dad, you're embarrassing me! 239 00:10:37,385 --> 00:10:39,663 Oh, don't worry about it, son, she's cool. 240 00:10:39,767 --> 00:10:41,491 She's going to be an Eriksen. 241 00:10:41,596 --> 00:10:46,088 Yeah. well, well, not literally, 'cause, you know, I'm keeping my name. 242 00:10:46,919 --> 00:10:49,597 But... the apron. 243 00:10:52,057 --> 00:10:54,770 Well, we haven't actually decided anything yet, so we're... 244 00:10:54,851 --> 00:10:58,425 No, I've decided and I'm keeping my own name. 245 00:10:58,513 --> 00:11:01,930 But Eriksen is a great last name. 246 00:11:02,196 --> 00:11:04,438 People know the Eriksens. 247 00:11:05,857 --> 00:11:11,324 Well, sure, in St. Cloud, but our kids aren't going to be growing up in St. Cloud. 248 00:11:11,410 --> 00:11:12,787 Right, baby? 249 00:11:15,215 --> 00:11:17,246 Well, why not St. Cloud? 250 00:11:17,362 --> 00:11:18,941 I mean, I loved growing up in St. Cloud. 251 00:11:19,041 --> 00:11:21,520 St. Cloud is a great place to have a childhood. 252 00:11:21,626 --> 00:11:23,535 Well, so is New York. 253 00:11:26,203 --> 00:11:28,764 What? It is. And we grew up just fine. 254 00:11:28,853 --> 00:11:32,080 And we grew to the proper size and then we stopped. 255 00:11:38,569 --> 00:11:40,050 Hey, Amanda, what's this box for? 256 00:11:40,146 --> 00:11:41,051 Oh, that's for me. 257 00:11:41,153 --> 00:11:42,443 You can put it in my car. 258 00:11:42,969 --> 00:11:45,692 In your car, um, and then you'll take it...? 259 00:11:45,780 --> 00:11:49,295 Home. Yeah, we get so much extra food, no one can eat it all. 260 00:11:49,457 --> 00:11:53,119 Ooh, truffle oil. Score! 261 00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:57,062 People donated this food thinking it was going to feed the hungry. 262 00:11:57,152 --> 00:11:58,053 I know. 263 00:11:58,161 --> 00:12:00,024 And I'm starving. 264 00:12:03,151 --> 00:12:05,505 But, Marshall, you love New York. 265 00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:07,290 Yes, I do, 266 00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:10,634 but you always said that when we have kids, you wanted to move out of Manhattan. 267 00:12:10,738 --> 00:12:12,382 Yeah, to Brooklyn. 268 00:12:13,578 --> 00:12:17,566 Why are we even talking about this? This is like way down the road. 269 00:12:17,665 --> 00:12:22,013 But Lily knew "way down the road" might not be so far down the road. 270 00:12:22,935 --> 00:12:25,033 I need to go to the restroom. 271 00:12:25,206 --> 00:12:26,876 Lily, the restroom's the other way. 272 00:12:26,971 --> 00:12:29,225 So she literally headed down the road. 273 00:12:29,561 --> 00:12:30,641 Lily?! 274 00:12:31,630 --> 00:12:32,767 Lily! 275 00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:39,156 So wait, not only have you not done any good for anyone today, 276 00:12:39,237 --> 00:12:42,081 you're actually helping someone steal from the homeless? 277 00:12:42,151 --> 00:12:46,405 You know, Ted, it's called Thanksgiving, not Thankstaking Damn. 278 00:12:47,182 --> 00:12:49,441 Barney, you needed me to sign your time sheet, right? 279 00:12:49,512 --> 00:12:51,914 Oh, yeah, right. Thanks. 280 00:12:52,143 --> 00:12:53,111 Barney. 281 00:12:53,316 --> 00:12:54,375 Yeah, what's up? 282 00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:55,908 You have a time sheet? 283 00:12:56,001 --> 00:12:57,549 No one else has a time sheet. 284 00:12:57,689 --> 00:12:58,505 Yeah. So? 285 00:12:58,597 --> 00:12:59,371 All right, let me see that. 286 00:12:59,454 --> 00:13:01,681 That's my private, personal business! 287 00:13:01,783 --> 00:13:04,502 Court-mandated community service? 288 00:13:04,573 --> 00:13:06,690 Oh my God, you're on probation? 289 00:13:06,774 --> 00:13:08,178 What did you do? 290 00:13:08,807 --> 00:13:11,159 That's my private, personal business. 291 00:13:17,819 --> 00:13:22,530 I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church. 292 00:13:22,767 --> 00:13:24,742 You peed on a church? 293 00:13:24,826 --> 00:13:27,522 I peed in an alley, which happened to have a church, 294 00:13:27,593 --> 00:13:30,344 which I did not see because I was drunk. 295 00:13:30,607 --> 00:13:33,187 Oh, you are evil. 296 00:13:33,279 --> 00:13:35,791 Ah, all's right with the world again. 297 00:13:35,887 --> 00:13:38,483 Okay, fine, so a judge is making me do this. 298 00:13:38,552 --> 00:13:40,099 But I'm still doing it. 299 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:43,438 And kicking ass at it, BTW. 300 00:13:44,435 --> 00:13:46,764 When's the last time either of you did something good, huh? 301 00:13:50,765 --> 00:13:52,756 Kendall. Ah, Kendall. 302 00:13:52,918 --> 00:13:57,228 Amanda is stealing portabello mushrooms from homeless people. 303 00:13:58,057 --> 00:13:59,717 Amanda. 304 00:13:59,892 --> 00:14:02,710 I called dibs on the portabello mushrooms. 305 00:14:03,562 --> 00:14:04,903 Those are for the hungry. 306 00:14:04,996 --> 00:14:05,978 I know. 307 00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:07,698 And I'm starving. 308 00:14:13,526 --> 00:14:15,175 Those are good mushrooms. 309 00:14:15,283 --> 00:14:16,575 Mushrooms. Mushrooms. 310 00:14:16,699 --> 00:14:18,040 Portabello mushrooms for everyone. 311 00:14:18,187 --> 00:14:19,933 Take them and run! 312 00:14:20,246 --> 00:14:21,527 They're very expensive. 313 00:14:26,278 --> 00:14:27,799 Happy Thanksgiving. 314 00:14:27,934 --> 00:14:29,798 "Happy Thanksgiving." Huh. 315 00:14:29,886 --> 00:14:32,456 As in "check out the chick buying the knockup test, everybody. 316 00:14:32,545 --> 00:14:34,438 Wonder what must be going through her head? 317 00:14:34,494 --> 00:14:38,586 Yeah, well, since you asked, a family of mayonnaise-guzzling giants 318 00:14:38,639 --> 00:14:41,609 is trying to suck me  into their suburban nightmare, 319 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:44,078 and there's a solid chance  that I have an Eriksen 320 00:14:44,157 --> 00:14:48,332 the size of a 15-pound turkey  growing inside of me! 321 00:14:49,477 --> 00:14:51,011 Oh, you know the Eriksens? 322 00:14:51,103 --> 00:14:52,704 You're Marshall's fiancée. 323 00:14:53,431 --> 00:14:54,659 Fantastic. 324 00:14:54,734 --> 00:14:56,106 So nice to meet you. 325 00:14:56,212 --> 00:14:58,111 You are taller than described. 326 00:14:59,730 --> 00:15:02,408 Look, I'm sorry I just yelled at you. 327 00:15:02,593 --> 00:15:04,350 You mind if I use your bathroom? 328 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:05,723 Don't have one. 329 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,064 What do you do when you have to...? 330 00:15:07,142 --> 00:15:08,285 I hold it. 331 00:15:15,325 --> 00:15:17,769 You can't fire a volunteer. 332 00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:19,345 Apparently you can. 333 00:15:19,437 --> 00:15:22,463 And his two non-mushroom-throwing friends. 334 00:15:22,837 --> 00:15:25,924 I can't believe I told Kendall you guys were cool. 335 00:15:26,019 --> 00:15:28,577 I have 40 hours left on my community service 336 00:15:28,667 --> 00:15:32,744 and now I've gotta spend it spearing trash on a freakin' median strip. 337 00:15:34,129 --> 00:15:37,955 Volunteer of the year! 338 00:15:38,225 --> 00:15:40,192 I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay? 339 00:15:40,289 --> 00:15:44,025 Look, if there's anything I can do to make it up to you just tell me. I'll-I'll do it. 340 00:15:44,104 --> 00:15:45,125 Ted, I'm glad you asked. 341 00:15:45,159 --> 00:15:48,223 342 00:15:48,313 --> 00:15:51,455 343 00:15:51,599 --> 00:15:54,873 344 00:15:54,976 --> 00:15:55,738 Surprisingly good. 345 00:15:55,827 --> 00:15:57,619 Right? I told you so. 346 00:15:57,841 --> 00:16:01,341 Public urination. Who gets arrested for public urination? 347 00:16:01,869 --> 00:16:03,239 Lily's been arrested. 348 00:16:03,317 --> 00:16:05,260 Oh, dear. What for? 349 00:16:06,607 --> 00:16:08,100 Public urination. 350 00:16:15,332 --> 00:16:16,110 Thanks, Pete. 351 00:16:16,196 --> 00:16:17,379 No problemo, Marsh. 352 00:16:19,566 --> 00:16:20,683 You all right? 353 00:16:20,904 --> 00:16:21,925 No. 354 00:16:22,140 --> 00:16:24,887 I embarrassed myself in front of your family, 355 00:16:24,964 --> 00:16:29,391 and now I'm celebrating Thanksgiving in probably the most depressing place ever. 356 00:16:29,476 --> 00:16:32,509 357 00:16:33,761 --> 00:16:35,678 Well, I'm glad that you're safe. 358 00:16:35,910 --> 00:16:36,898 Hey, weird question. 359 00:16:36,984 --> 00:16:41,265 Why did you drive three miles down Route 23 and take a pee behind a convenience store? 360 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,348 Okay, I'll tell you, but before I do, 361 00:16:43,438 --> 00:16:47,037 promise me that we are not gonna move to St. Cloud, Minnesota. Promise. 362 00:16:47,115 --> 00:16:49,256 I'm not suggesting that we move here tomorrow, I'm just... 363 00:16:49,372 --> 00:16:50,473 Promise. 364 00:16:50,559 --> 00:16:52,049 Why do you want me to promise you that? 365 00:16:52,132 --> 00:16:53,818 Because. I don't fit in here. 366 00:16:53,912 --> 00:16:58,828 I'm not eight feet tall, and I don't think you could call it a salad if it has Funyuns in it. 367 00:16:59,332 --> 00:17:00,889 I'm Funyuns. 368 00:17:01,137 --> 00:17:03,013 And mayonnaise and gummi bears 369 00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:05,655 and bask-ice-ball, and I love St. Cloud. 370 00:17:05,753 --> 00:17:08,486 And, yes, there is a part of me that would like to move here someday, 371 00:17:08,562 --> 00:17:13,007 and why are we having this discussion in a jail cell on Thanksgiving? 372 00:17:13,484 --> 00:17:15,791 Okay, personal effects. 373 00:17:15,903 --> 00:17:18,324 One wallet. One cell phone. 374 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:21,414 One... pregnancy test. 375 00:17:28,156 --> 00:17:30,950 Pete arrested me before I could look at it. 376 00:17:38,613 --> 00:17:39,814 Whoa. 377 00:17:40,325 --> 00:17:41,373 Yeah. 378 00:17:42,618 --> 00:17:45,294 Lily, we can't let our kids play bask-ice-ball. 379 00:17:45,430 --> 00:17:48,775 Bask-ice-ball is really dangerous. 380 00:17:49,267 --> 00:17:51,278 Yeah, what are the rules to that game, anyway? 381 00:17:51,364 --> 00:17:54,176 There are no rules. We just wail on each other. 382 00:17:59,051 --> 00:18:02,322 Look, I don't want to be exactly like my family. 383 00:18:03,597 --> 00:18:05,540 And don't take this the wrong way, 384 00:18:06,604 --> 00:18:09,899 but I don't want to be exactly like your family either. 385 00:18:11,502 --> 00:18:13,460 We'll be our own family. 386 00:18:13,620 --> 00:18:19,378 And we'll find our own way to freak out the people our kids bring home. 387 00:18:21,963 --> 00:18:23,673 Great, now I'm crying. 388 00:18:24,318 --> 00:18:25,145 Look. 389 00:18:25,839 --> 00:18:29,932 We may have some really big decisions to make in about ten seconds. 390 00:18:30,471 --> 00:18:33,048 But right now, I don't care where our kids grow up. 391 00:18:33,135 --> 00:18:35,622 As long as they have you for a father. 392 00:18:39,385 --> 00:18:41,507 Gosh, I hope you're the father. 393 00:18:41,759 --> 00:18:44,881 Just a little joke to lighten up the mood. 394 00:18:49,573 --> 00:18:51,142 What does it say? 395 00:18:52,255 --> 00:18:53,789 I'm afraid to look. 396 00:18:54,119 --> 00:18:55,536 It's negative! 397 00:18:56,439 --> 00:18:57,370 Oh, thank God. 398 00:18:57,467 --> 00:18:58,699 Oh, thank God. 399 00:18:59,987 --> 00:19:01,227 And, hey! 400 00:19:03,940 --> 00:19:06,725 Ted. Are you listening? 401 00:19:07,613 --> 00:19:08,788 You're a good guy. 402 00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:11,013 Want to know why I have to work tomorrow? 403 00:19:11,119 --> 00:19:14,390 My firm's designing an executive lounge for a tobacco company. 404 00:19:14,495 --> 00:19:18,135 In the fight against cancer, I'm on the side of cancer. 405 00:19:18,243 --> 00:19:20,245 Okay, Ted, I found a way for you to help someone. 406 00:19:20,340 --> 00:19:21,222 To do some good. 407 00:19:21,302 --> 00:19:22,359 This is Walter. 408 00:19:22,466 --> 00:19:23,798 Walter is homeless. 409 00:19:23,881 --> 00:19:25,851 And Walter would like a lap dance. 410 00:19:26,409 --> 00:19:27,643 Are you joking? 411 00:19:27,753 --> 00:19:31,775 I never joke about the sublime art of burlesque entertainment. 412 00:19:32,408 --> 00:19:34,311 No, Barney, that's insane. 413 00:19:34,395 --> 00:19:37,185 Sir, would you like me to buy you a ticket to the buffet? 414 00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:41,014 No, I'm stuffed. Just a lap dance will be fine. 415 00:19:41,738 --> 00:19:43,759 Ted, Walter's been to three shelter dinners. 416 00:19:43,824 --> 00:19:44,967 You know where he hasn't been? 417 00:19:45,046 --> 00:19:47,408 To heaven with Samantha. 418 00:19:49,273 --> 00:19:52,517 Look, it's the one chance you've had all day to help someone in need. 419 00:19:52,598 --> 00:19:54,800 Now, buy this man a lap dance. 420 00:19:55,740 --> 00:19:58,589 You said you wanted to see the look of joy in someone's eyes. 421 00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:02,509 You know, I don't think I'm going to watch. 422 00:20:03,668 --> 00:20:05,152 Here you go, Walter. 423 00:20:06,190 --> 00:20:07,765 Happy Thanksgiving. 424 00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:10,152 Thank you so much. 425 00:20:10,344 --> 00:20:12,314 No, really. Thank you. 426 00:20:15,962 --> 00:20:17,538 Happy Thanksgiving, guys. 427 00:20:20,476 --> 00:20:22,329 Thanksgiving in November. 428 00:20:22,568 --> 00:20:23,489 Weird. 429 00:20:30,081 --> 00:20:32,727 So that was Thanksgiving 2005. 430 00:20:32,824 --> 00:20:34,764 To be honest, it didn't go great. 431 00:20:34,848 --> 00:20:36,880 The life has plenty of good parts. 432 00:20:36,990 --> 00:20:40,731 It's the rough parts that make you thankfull that you have people to share it with. 433 00:20:58,890 --> 00:21:02,818 Hey, I saw what you did for that guy. It was really sweet. 434 00:21:04,125 --> 00:21:05,846 Do you want a dance? 435 00:21:05,876 --> 00:21:07,174 Uh, no, thanks. 436 00:21:07,796 --> 00:21:08,954 Do you want some yams? 437 00:21:09,056 --> 00:21:10,451 No, thanks. 438 00:21:11,292 --> 00:21:12,639 I'm Amber. 439 00:21:12,733 --> 00:21:14,101 I'm Ted. 440 00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:17,222 Actually... I'm Tracy. 441 00:21:18,225 --> 00:21:19,667 Still Ted. 442 00:21:19,990 --> 00:21:23,289 And that, kids, is the true story of how I met your mother. 443 00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:24,355 - What?! - What?! 444 00:21:24,455 --> 00:21:25,400 I'm kidding.
 * 1) Domo arrigato, Mr. Roboto #
 * 1) Domo... domo #
 * 1) Domo arrigato, Mr. Roboto #
 * 1) Domo arrigato, Mr. Roboto #