How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 18

Subtitles
1 00:00:00,237 --> 00:00:01,987 Previously on How I Met Your Mother: 2 00:00:01,988 --> 00:00:03,740 She was completely amazing. 3 00:00:03,751 --> 00:00:06,606 She was amazing and funny and... 4 00:00:06,607 --> 00:00:08,632 You have feelings for Ted. 5 00:00:08,633 --> 00:00:09,715 Maybe. 6 00:00:09,716 --> 00:00:14,024 I've just been offered a fellowhip at a culinary institute in Germany. 7 00:00:14,025 --> 00:00:15,294 Do you want to try long distance? 8 00:00:15,295 --> 00:00:16,095 Yes. 9 00:00:16,096 --> 00:00:18,285 "This long-distance thing sucks, huh? 10 00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:20,130 And I really need to talk to you tonight." 11 00:00:20,130 --> 00:00:21,220 She's going to dump me! 12 00:00:21,220 --> 00:00:23,083 She's not going to break up with you, Ted. 13 00:00:23,083 --> 00:00:24,297 Hello? 14 00:00:24,552 --> 00:00:26,145 Do you want to come over? 15 00:00:39,458 --> 00:00:42,034 Kids, your grandma always used to say to me, 16 00:00:42,035 --> 00:00:44,722 "Nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m.," 17 00:00:44,723 --> 00:00:45,881 and she was right. 18 00:00:45,882 --> 00:00:49,236 When 2:00 a.m. rolls around, just go home and go to sleep. 19 00:00:49,237 --> 00:00:50,707 Case in point: 20 00:00:53,561 --> 00:00:54,425 Hello. 21 00:00:54,426 --> 00:00:56,403 Hi, Ted, it's Robin. 22 00:00:56,404 --> 00:01:00,827 Um, listen, I know it's late, but do you want to come over? 23 00:01:02,248 --> 00:01:04,129 Let's back up a little bit. 24 00:01:15,728 --> 00:01:16,981 Sit. 25 00:01:17,133 --> 00:01:18,527 Good boys. 26 00:01:18,528 --> 00:01:22,892 Okay, remember, stay out of the liquor cabinet. 27 00:01:22,893 --> 00:01:24,188 I'll see you tonight. 28 00:01:25,376 --> 00:01:28,778 And so the life of a television reporter is very rewarding, 29 00:01:28,779 --> 00:01:32,310 and I stronly urge you to consider it as a career. 30 00:01:32,637 --> 00:01:33,825 Thank you. 31 00:01:36,331 --> 00:01:37,149 Yeah? 32 00:01:37,150 --> 00:01:39,340 Do you have a fiancé? 33 00:01:40,012 --> 00:01:41,475 Marshall was here yesterday. 34 00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:43,213 They just learned the word "fiancé." 35 00:01:43,214 --> 00:01:45,634 Oh, no, I don't have a fiancé. 36 00:01:45,635 --> 00:01:47,045 Then who do you live with? 37 00:01:47,046 --> 00:01:50,289 Well, actually, I've got five dogs. 38 00:01:50,290 --> 00:01:52,175 Don't you get lonely? 39 00:01:52,176 --> 00:01:54,759 No, I've got five dogs. 40 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:58,152 My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely. 41 00:01:58,153 --> 00:02:01,842 Well, yeah, that's cats. I'm not some pathetic cat lady. 42 00:02:01,843 --> 00:02:03,911 Not that your grandmother is... 43 00:02:04,340 --> 00:02:06,427 Does anyone else have a...? Yes? 44 00:02:06,428 --> 00:02:09,136 - Are you a lesbian? - No. Are you? 45 00:02:09,137 --> 00:02:11,328 Just because a woman lives alone doesn't mean she's a les... 46 00:02:11,329 --> 00:02:15,194 Okay, let's have a big hand for Robin the reporter. 47 00:02:15,497 --> 00:02:17,765 All right, our next guest is another friend... 48 00:02:17,766 --> 00:02:21,052 So, Robin, you ever report on train wrecks? 'Cause I just saw one. 49 00:02:21,053 --> 00:02:22,793 What up? Tiny five. 50 00:02:24,547 --> 00:02:26,991 Ha-ha. Laugh now, those kids are monsters. 51 00:02:26,992 --> 00:02:28,590 They're going to eat you alive. 52 00:02:28,591 --> 00:02:31,080 He has a job doing... 53 00:02:31,212 --> 00:02:32,497 What do you do? 54 00:02:32,526 --> 00:02:33,713 Please. 55 00:02:34,250 --> 00:02:35,927 Kids, let's rap. 56 00:02:35,976 --> 00:02:39,209 You guys don't give half a brown Crayola what I do for a living, do you? 57 00:02:39,210 --> 00:02:40,844 - No. - No, no. 58 00:02:40,845 --> 00:02:42,517 I know what you want. 59 00:02:43,199 --> 00:02:44,468 Magic. 60 00:02:46,643 --> 00:02:47,666 Hello. 61 00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:48,883 Why hasn't she called yet? 62 00:02:48,884 --> 00:02:50,542 Okay, you're making yourself crazy. 63 00:02:50,543 --> 00:02:52,914 It's Saturday night. Go out and do something. 64 00:02:52,915 --> 00:02:56,966 What's the point of going out? I got a girlfriend... for now. 65 00:02:56,980 --> 00:02:58,486 Besides, if I go out, who's going to watch the news? 66 00:02:58,487 --> 00:03:00,018 I'm, like, half your viewership. 67 00:03:00,019 --> 00:03:02,378 I'm flattered you think we have two viewers. 68 00:03:04,734 --> 00:03:06,366 And we're clear. 69 00:03:06,367 --> 00:03:08,356 So, Scherbotsky, got a boyfriend? 70 00:03:08,357 --> 00:03:11,408 No, and why does this keep coming up today? 71 00:03:11,409 --> 00:03:13,301 Oh, I just thought that guy you were on the phone with... 72 00:03:13,302 --> 00:03:16,151 What? Oh, no, that was Ted. He's just a friend. 73 00:03:16,152 --> 00:03:18,834 I mean, there was this moment where we almost dated, 74 00:03:18,835 --> 00:03:21,327 but we want completely different things. 75 00:03:21,328 --> 00:03:23,383 Anyway, now he has this girlfriend in Germany 76 00:03:23,384 --> 00:03:26,728 and he thinks she's calling to dump him tonight, but I don't think she is. 77 00:03:26,729 --> 00:03:29,251 And besides, we want completely different things. 78 00:03:29,536 --> 00:03:31,212 We should have sex. 79 00:03:31,472 --> 00:03:33,357 - What? - Why not? 80 00:03:33,358 --> 00:03:36,993 We're both available, we're both attractive, we're both good at it. 81 00:03:36,994 --> 00:03:38,599 At least, I'm good at it. 82 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:41,919 And even if you're not, don't worry, I'll have a good time either way. 83 00:03:42,154 --> 00:03:47,163 Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, 84 00:03:47,164 --> 00:03:49,947 don't get involved with people I work with. 85 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,659 Get involved? Who said get involved? 86 00:03:52,660 --> 00:03:55,407 I'm just saying we should have sex, it could be fun. 87 00:03:55,691 --> 00:03:57,534 Having sex is fun. 88 00:03:58,037 --> 00:03:59,677 Home number. Call me anytime. 89 00:03:59,678 --> 00:04:02,367 A lot of local teens in action tonight... 90 00:04:05,124 --> 00:04:06,522 Hey, guys. 91 00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:09,763 Miss me? 92 00:04:13,159 --> 00:04:14,709 I missed you, too. 93 00:05:02,884 --> 00:05:04,952 Hi, Ted, it's Robin. 94 00:05:04,953 --> 00:05:09,294 Um, listen, I know it's late, but do you want to come over? 95 00:05:17,958 --> 00:05:18,937 Ted? 96 00:05:19,011 --> 00:05:21,287 Uh, yeah... Uh, hi, I'm here. 97 00:05:21,851 --> 00:05:23,486 Do you want to come over? 98 00:05:23,665 --> 00:05:25,324 Why? What's up? 99 00:05:26,292 --> 00:05:30,776 Well, um, I just finally set up my new juicer 100 00:05:30,777 --> 00:05:33,167 and I was going to make some juice, and I was, like, 101 00:05:33,168 --> 00:05:35,666 "You know who likes juice? Ted." 102 00:05:37,608 --> 00:05:38,724 I love juice. 103 00:05:38,725 --> 00:05:42,727 Great. So you want to come over and make juice? 104 00:05:42,997 --> 00:05:45,894 When it's after 2:00 a.m., just go to sleep 105 00:05:45,895 --> 00:05:50,245 because the decisions you make after 2:00 a.m. are the wrong decisions. 106 00:05:50,246 --> 00:05:54,297 Okay, sure. I'll come over. We'll... juice. 107 00:05:54,298 --> 00:05:55,731 Yes, we'll juice. 108 00:05:55,732 --> 00:05:56,948 O kay. 109 00:05:56,949 --> 00:05:58,979 Okay... bye. 110 00:05:59,559 --> 00:06:00,864 Bye. 111 00:06:06,620 --> 00:06:09,004 This is fine. This is totally fine. 112 00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:10,441 What's fine? 113 00:06:10,442 --> 00:06:13,705 Oh, I'm, uh, going over to this girl's house to make some juice. 114 00:06:14,345 --> 00:06:15,566 Nice. 115 00:06:15,567 --> 00:06:18,508 No, it's not like that. We're juicing as friends. 116 00:06:19,363 --> 00:06:22,957 See, I have this girlfriend, I would never cheat on her. 117 00:06:22,958 --> 00:06:24,668 She lives in Germany. 118 00:06:24,669 --> 00:06:28,994 See, she was supposed to call me four hours ago to have a serious talk. 119 00:06:28,995 --> 00:06:30,385 I still haven't heard from her. 120 00:06:30,386 --> 00:06:31,515 I don't know. 121 00:06:31,910 --> 00:06:34,113 Sorry to bug you with my problems. 122 00:06:34,155 --> 00:06:36,993 Guess cab drivers are the new bartenders, huh? 123 00:06:38,004 --> 00:06:40,063 You ain't kidding, kid. 124 00:06:41,585 --> 00:06:42,648 Want a nip? 125 00:06:42,649 --> 00:06:44,691 You can just let me out right up here. 126 00:06:45,747 --> 00:06:46,948 Where you going to, buddy? 127 00:06:46,949 --> 00:06:48,747 Park Slope, Eighth and Eighth. 128 00:06:50,818 --> 00:06:53,413 Okay, here's where I left off with the last guy. 129 00:06:53,414 --> 00:06:56,856 See, I have a girlfriend, but I'm going over to this other girl's house... 130 00:06:56,857 --> 00:06:58,921 And you're wondering if I'd be upset. 131 00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:01,755 Hi, Ted. Remember me, your girlfriend? 132 00:07:01,756 --> 00:07:03,990 Okay, relax, Robin's just a friend. 133 00:07:03,991 --> 00:07:06,471 Right. You're going to go make some juice. 134 00:07:06,472 --> 00:07:08,820 Yes, yes! Juice is perfectly harmless. 135 00:07:08,821 --> 00:07:10,747 In fact, it's healthy. 136 00:07:10,748 --> 00:07:13,742 Oh, yeah? Then why are you wondering what she looks like naked? 137 00:07:13,743 --> 00:07:15,713 I am not won... 138 00:07:15,714 --> 00:07:18,298 Okay, even if I am wondering that, it's only 'cause you put it in my head. 139 00:07:18,299 --> 00:07:20,881 Ah, but I'm just a manifestation of your subconscious, 140 00:07:20,882 --> 00:07:23,164 so actually, you put it in your own head. 141 00:07:23,165 --> 00:07:24,280 Damn it! 142 00:07:24,281 --> 00:07:25,611 Nothing's going to happen. 143 00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:26,470 Right. 144 00:07:26,470 --> 00:07:29,422 Okay, okay. You want a second opinion? Fine. 145 00:07:34,540 --> 00:07:36,033 Hey, did she call? 146 00:07:36,033 --> 00:07:37,794 No. I need a ruling. 147 00:07:37,794 --> 00:07:41,964 Um, I'm... Yeah, this is stupid. It's not even a big deal, but 148 00:07:41,965 --> 00:07:44,785 I'm on my way over to Robin's right now. 149 00:07:44,786 --> 00:07:48,286 She got a new juicer. Whatever. We're going to test it out. 150 00:07:48,487 --> 00:07:49,976 Let me call you back. 151 00:07:55,165 --> 00:07:58,050 Honey, there's a situation developing. 152 00:07:58,051 --> 00:08:00,259 Do you remember the huge secret that you told me 153 00:08:00,260 --> 00:08:02,351 that you weren't supposed to but you did? 154 00:08:02,352 --> 00:08:04,566 The thing... about Robin? 155 00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,222 Oh, you mean how Robin's in love with Ted? 156 00:08:06,223 --> 00:08:07,101 - What? - What? 157 00:08:07,102 --> 00:08:09,252 Yeah, she told me already. Go on. 158 00:08:09,405 --> 00:08:11,620 Wait. So I'm the only one that she didn't tell? 159 00:08:11,621 --> 00:08:13,408 She told you and not me? 160 00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:16,199 Well, I guess I'm just better friends with her than you are. 161 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:19,171 Well, I'm better friends with Ted than you are. 162 00:08:19,172 --> 00:08:21,367 - That is a lie! - It is not a lie. 163 00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:24,223 Okay, that's it! You and me! I'm not afraid of you! 164 00:08:24,224 --> 00:08:26,792 I'll show you things you never seen before! 165 00:08:26,793 --> 00:08:28,488 I used to box in the Army! 166 00:08:30,989 --> 00:08:32,941 Come on, pick up. 167 00:08:33,244 --> 00:08:36,503 Damn it, Victoria, where are you? Pick up, pick up! 168 00:08:36,504 --> 00:08:37,467 Cupcake? 169 00:08:37,468 --> 00:08:38,612 No, thanks. 170 00:08:38,613 --> 00:08:40,393 Where are you? Why haven't you called? 171 00:08:40,394 --> 00:08:43,207 Oh, I'm out hooking up... 172 00:08:43,208 --> 00:08:44,938 with three other guys. 173 00:08:45,566 --> 00:08:49,946 Or maybe I'm a devoted girlfriend and I'm calling you right now. 174 00:08:49,947 --> 00:08:52,295 Yeah. Why do I doubt that? 175 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:54,768 Hello. 176 00:08:54,769 --> 00:08:59,319 Ted, I just saw the news and a truck carrying sulphuric acid 177 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:01,986 overturned right in front of Robin's house. 178 00:09:01,987 --> 00:09:03,507 And it's melting through the sidewalk. 179 00:09:03,508 --> 00:09:05,883 You can see straight down into hell. It's bad. 180 00:09:05,884 --> 00:09:07,148 You should go home, dude. 181 00:09:07,149 --> 00:09:10,383 Marshall, it's fine. Nothing's going to happen. 182 00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:12,892 Ted, what does your mom always say? 183 00:09:12,893 --> 00:09:14,057 Nothing good ever... 184 00:09:14,058 --> 00:09:18,036 Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m. Go home! It's too late for juice. 185 00:09:18,037 --> 00:09:19,965 Dude, Robin and I are just friends. 186 00:09:19,966 --> 00:09:21,898 She doesn't even like me that way. 187 00:09:21,899 --> 00:09:25,291 Yes, she does! She likes you. She told me. 188 00:09:25,489 --> 00:09:26,200 What? 189 00:09:26,201 --> 00:09:28,907 It's a big secret, so don't tell her I told you, 190 00:09:28,908 --> 00:09:32,842 but she's very vulnerable right now and you have a girlfriend. 191 00:09:32,843 --> 00:09:34,754 Go home, Ted. 192 00:09:34,862 --> 00:09:36,229 She-she likes me? 193 00:09:36,230 --> 00:09:40,781 Yes. So you see why it would be a very bad idea for you to go up there. 194 00:09:40,782 --> 00:09:42,667 Go home, Ted. 195 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:44,800 She likes me? 196 00:09:45,241 --> 00:09:47,179 Go home, Ted. 197 00:09:47,386 --> 00:09:52,585 Uh, you're right. I'll, uh, I'll see you at home. 198 00:09:53,599 --> 00:09:55,702 Good. He's going home. 199 00:09:55,703 --> 00:09:57,405 He is so not going home. 200 00:09:57,406 --> 00:09:59,591 I cannot believe you just told him that. 201 00:09:59,592 --> 00:10:00,560 What do you mean? 202 00:10:00,561 --> 00:10:01,898 Lily, here's what you just said: 203 00:10:01,899 --> 00:10:04,070 "Ted, whatever you do, don't go up there. 204 00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:06,776 There's a beautiful girl who wants to have sex with you." 205 00:10:06,777 --> 00:10:10,121 "And then she's gonna make you some delicious juice." 206 00:10:10,492 --> 00:10:14,498 No, he's not going up there. He has more sense than that. 207 00:10:14,577 --> 00:10:17,009 I did have more sense than that. 208 00:10:17,428 --> 00:10:18,188 Keep the change. 209 00:10:18,189 --> 00:10:19,161 - Thanks. - Thanks. 210 00:10:19,162 --> 00:10:22,211 But after 2:00 a.m, my good sense was sound asleep. 211 00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:36,588 So you're doing this? You're going up there? 212 00:10:36,589 --> 00:10:37,953 You want to get out of the way? 213 00:10:37,954 --> 00:10:39,762 I'm not in the way. 214 00:10:40,276 --> 00:10:43,149 You know, if you had just called me, I... 215 00:10:49,273 --> 00:10:50,294 - Hi. - Hi. 216 00:10:50,995 --> 00:10:53,870 Um, I got some vegetables. I got carrots, I got beets. 217 00:10:53,871 --> 00:10:55,447 Or we could just drink wine. 218 00:10:55,448 --> 00:10:56,939 Wine... not? 219 00:10:56,940 --> 00:10:58,521 Well, that's the stupidest thing I've ever said. 220 00:10:59,792 --> 00:11:00,918 Thanks. 221 00:11:01,359 --> 00:11:02,854 Make it a big glass. 222 00:11:02,855 --> 00:11:04,163 Sure. 223 00:11:04,909 --> 00:11:06,608 So, how's it hanging? 224 00:11:08,371 --> 00:11:13,315 Have you ever had one of those days where nothing at all that monumental happens 225 00:11:13,316 --> 00:11:17,571 but by the end of it you have no idea who you are anymore 226 00:11:17,572 --> 00:11:19,761 or what the hell you're doing with your life? 227 00:11:19,972 --> 00:11:21,757 Do you ever have one of those days? 228 00:11:21,758 --> 00:11:23,574 Uh, about once a week. 229 00:11:24,042 --> 00:11:26,792 I don't know, it was just a, a rough day 230 00:11:26,793 --> 00:11:30,632 and the only person I wanted to see at the end of it was you. 231 00:11:33,142 --> 00:11:37,051 So... um... how was the big phone call with your girlfriend? 232 00:11:37,251 --> 00:11:40,853 When the clock strikes 2:00, just go to sleep. 233 00:11:41,089 --> 00:11:42,657 We broke up. 234 00:11:43,302 --> 00:11:44,366 What? 235 00:11:44,367 --> 00:11:46,555 Yeah. Yeah, she finally called. 236 00:11:46,556 --> 00:11:49,113 We talked for a while-- how hard long distance is-- 237 00:11:49,114 --> 00:11:52,263 and then... she dumped me. 238 00:11:52,632 --> 00:11:58,325 Oh, Ted, I'm so sorry. That's just terrible. I feel awful. 239 00:11:58,997 --> 00:12:00,504 You're smiling. 240 00:12:00,505 --> 00:12:02,867 Am I? No I'm not. 241 00:12:03,308 --> 00:12:04,750 I'm a news anchor. 242 00:12:04,751 --> 00:12:06,471 Smiling's a part of the job. 243 00:12:06,472 --> 00:12:09,407 Thousands died in a tragic avalanche today. 244 00:12:09,408 --> 00:12:10,860 See? 245 00:12:12,521 --> 00:12:14,377 You're smiling, too. 246 00:12:16,262 --> 00:12:17,980 Yeah. 247 00:12:18,173 --> 00:12:21,065 I have no idea what that's all about. 248 00:12:23,507 --> 00:12:27,936 249 00:12:27,937 --> 00:12:30,250 How much does Korean Elvis rock? 250 00:12:30,251 --> 00:12:31,448 I'll answer that. 251 00:12:31,449 --> 00:12:33,095 Infinity. 252 00:12:33,096 --> 00:12:36,259 He rocks... infinity. 253 00:12:36,345 --> 00:12:37,926 Okay, it's time for bed. 254 00:12:37,927 --> 00:12:40,258 What? No. It's 2:30. 255 00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:43,053 Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m. 256 00:12:43,054 --> 00:12:45,827 You know, I have found, in my travels... 257 00:12:45,828 --> 00:12:50,131 that all the best things in life happen after 2:00 a.m. 258 00:12:50,132 --> 00:12:52,615 When I look back at the best stories of my life-- 259 00:12:52,616 --> 00:12:56,723 the Liberty Bell incident, the little scrape I got in at the Russian Embassy, 260 00:12:56,724 --> 00:12:59,047 - the almost four-way. - You never had a four-way. 261 00:12:59,048 --> 00:13:01,098 I said "almost." 262 00:13:01,168 --> 00:13:03,821 All those things happened after 2:00 a.m. 263 00:13:03,822 --> 00:13:10,257 because after 2:00 a.m. is when things get-- audience, say it with me-- legendary. 264 00:13:10,258 --> 00:13:11,669 We're going home. 265 00:13:11,670 --> 00:13:14,664 What's that? Interesting theory, Barney, but I'll need some proof? 266 00:13:14,665 --> 00:13:15,918 Okay. 267 00:13:18,427 --> 00:13:19,752 Korean Elvis. 268 00:13:19,753 --> 00:13:23,230 How would you like to have a drink with me and my friends? 269 00:13:23,361 --> 00:13:25,076 Rock 'n' roll. 270 00:13:25,954 --> 00:13:28,275 And it begins. 271 00:13:29,874 --> 00:13:33,538 So, um... Hey. I got a new phone. 272 00:13:33,539 --> 00:13:34,974 Same as yours. Look. 273 00:13:34,975 --> 00:13:36,964 Oh, yeah. Do you like it? 274 00:13:37,205 --> 00:13:39,510 Yeah. Yeah. 275 00:13:39,511 --> 00:13:41,782 This is some solid small talk. 276 00:13:42,115 --> 00:13:45,049 I had that other phone, and it was good, 277 00:13:45,050 --> 00:13:50,147 but I think the whole time a little part of me wanted this phone instead. 278 00:13:50,148 --> 00:13:52,123 This phone... um... 279 00:13:52,770 --> 00:13:54,645 feels right. 280 00:13:55,662 --> 00:13:57,620 Wow. Weird. 281 00:13:57,621 --> 00:14:01,038 Yeah. Uh, I should probably take this. 282 00:14:01,039 --> 00:14:02,888 I'll be here. 283 00:14:08,621 --> 00:14:09,487 Hello? 284 00:14:09,488 --> 00:14:11,702 Ted, this is your main man, K.E. 285 00:14:11,703 --> 00:14:15,202 I want you to shake your tail feathers down here ASAP, you dig? 286 00:14:15,203 --> 00:14:16,680 Sorry about that. 287 00:14:16,681 --> 00:14:18,271 Was that Korean Elvis? 288 00:14:18,272 --> 00:14:20,468 I'll explain later. Hey, we're headed down to MacLaren's. 289 00:14:20,469 --> 00:14:23,201 Um... Actually... 290 00:14:23,303 --> 00:14:25,760 I'm at Robin's. 291 00:14:25,844 --> 00:14:29,167 Yeah, and, um... I might have done something bad. 292 00:14:29,168 --> 00:14:32,991 I just lied and told her I broke up with Victoria. 293 00:14:32,992 --> 00:14:36,517 Ted, I don't want to swear in front of Korean Elvis, 294 00:14:36,518 --> 00:14:39,419 but what the bleep are you doing, dude? 295 00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:41,608 What do you expect from me? It's Robin. 296 00:14:41,609 --> 00:14:44,682 Victoria's great, but, it's Robin. 297 00:14:44,683 --> 00:14:47,470 I've made up my mind. I'm going to end it with Victoria. 298 00:14:47,471 --> 00:14:48,328 Gonna? 299 00:14:48,329 --> 00:14:49,983 Yes. First thing tomorrow. 300 00:14:49,984 --> 00:14:57,166 Okay, but, but, as of right now at-at... 2:45 a.m. you still have a girlfriend. 301 00:14:57,167 --> 00:14:59,779 Ted, I love you. I love Robin. 302 00:14:59,780 --> 00:15:05,425 But if you do this right now, your entire future with her will be built on a crime. 303 00:15:05,426 --> 00:15:09,250 Just go home, Ted. Don't do this the wrong way. 304 00:15:09,251 --> 00:15:10,990 I hate how you're always right. 305 00:15:10,991 --> 00:15:13,699 It's my best and most annoying trait. 306 00:15:14,245 --> 00:15:15,426 Okay. 307 00:15:16,427 --> 00:15:18,420 I'm coming home. I'll see you soon. 308 00:15:23,138 --> 00:15:24,541 - Hey. - Hey. 309 00:15:31,642 --> 00:15:35,074 I should probably get going. It's pretty late. 310 00:15:36,601 --> 00:15:38,886 - I'm sorry. I... - Oh. Oh, no. I understand. 311 00:15:38,887 --> 00:15:40,416 It's fine. Yeah. 312 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:44,765 Can I call you tomorrow? 313 00:15:44,766 --> 00:15:46,877 Totally. Totally. Call me tomorrow. 314 00:15:46,878 --> 00:15:48,288 Okay. Good night, Robin. 315 00:15:48,289 --> 00:15:49,719 Good night, Ted. 316 00:16:21,485 --> 00:16:24,634 Oh, my God. We're making out. 317 00:16:24,635 --> 00:16:25,820 - Right. - This is crazy. 318 00:16:25,821 --> 00:16:27,444 Right? Right? 319 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:31,351 Should we go to my room? 320 00:16:31,352 --> 00:16:33,574 I mean, there's five dogs in there, but... 321 00:16:33,644 --> 00:16:34,639 - Yeah. - Yeah? 322 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:35,543 Yeah. 323 00:16:38,462 --> 00:16:44,201 I just, um... I have to run to the bathroom real quick. 324 00:16:45,256 --> 00:16:46,607 Okay. 325 00:16:59,780 --> 00:17:01,424 Stop doing that. 326 00:17:01,425 --> 00:17:03,038 Whatcha doin'? 327 00:17:03,504 --> 00:17:04,874 I'm calling you. 328 00:17:04,875 --> 00:17:07,111 We're breaking up. I'm doing this right now, 329 00:17:07,112 --> 00:17:09,250 I'm coming out of this bathroom a single man. 330 00:17:09,251 --> 00:17:10,586 Okay. 331 00:17:10,599 --> 00:17:13,958 Say, Ted... how long do you think that conversation's going to be? 332 00:17:13,959 --> 00:17:15,676 Length of an average pee? 333 00:17:15,677 --> 00:17:18,708 No. We're gonna be on the phone for at least 20 minutes. 334 00:17:18,709 --> 00:17:21,640 Robin's out there. She's gonna think you're in here taking a massive... 335 00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:23,036 What do you want from me? 336 00:17:23,037 --> 00:17:25,547 People break up. It happens. 337 00:17:25,968 --> 00:17:27,535 Not like this. 338 00:17:27,536 --> 00:17:30,959 Not from the bathroom of the girl that you're about to sleep with. 339 00:17:32,057 --> 00:17:34,440 It's not ideal. 340 00:17:35,023 --> 00:17:36,763 Meanwhile, back at the bar, 341 00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:40,585 Barney was still trying to prove that good things can happen after 2:00 a.m. 342 00:17:40,586 --> 00:17:42,362 Come on, Lily. 343 00:17:42,363 --> 00:17:46,987 How many women can say they've been personally serenaded by Korean Elvis? 344 00:17:49,337 --> 00:17:51,310 I think he just spat on me. 345 00:17:51,311 --> 00:17:54,162 Barney, you tried, I think that's great, but we're going. 346 00:17:54,163 --> 00:17:56,016 - No! No, come on. - Yes! 347 00:17:56,017 --> 00:17:59,123 Dude, we haen't hit legendary yet. We're only at the "le". 348 00:17:59,124 --> 00:18:02,199 We still got the "gen." The "da." The "ry." 349 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:07,335 Okay, if we're at the "le," then I say we follow it up with a "t's go home." 350 00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:11,650 Oh, wow, you just got burned, phonics style. 351 00:18:11,651 --> 00:18:15,322 No, no, no, no, no. Baby, baby, baby, don't go. 352 00:18:15,323 --> 00:18:16,734 Just one dance, huh? 353 00:18:16,735 --> 00:18:18,161 Okay, seriously. 354 00:18:18,162 --> 00:18:21,282 Hey, I know what you like. 355 00:18:27,867 --> 00:18:31,511 And so, Barney was right-- the night was legendary. 356 00:18:31,512 --> 00:18:35,595 It would come to be known as The Time Lily Kicked Korean Elvis in the Nards. 357 00:18:35,596 --> 00:18:40,242 Hey, you guys remember the time that Lily kicked Korean Elvis in the Nards? 358 00:18:41,976 --> 00:18:43,158 You're right. 359 00:18:43,159 --> 00:18:45,432 I owe you a real breakup call. 360 00:18:45,433 --> 00:18:46,948 I'll call you tomorrow. 361 00:18:46,949 --> 00:18:48,332 Good. 362 00:18:48,333 --> 00:18:49,945 So you're gonna go home? 363 00:18:50,611 --> 00:18:52,589 Why should I have to go home? 364 00:18:52,718 --> 00:18:56,358 You know, there's every chance Robin's the woman I'm going to marry. 365 00:18:56,359 --> 00:18:56,993 Ted. 366 00:18:56,994 --> 00:18:58,353 It could happen. 367 00:18:58,354 --> 00:19:02,724 And so really, what's it gonna matter in 50 years if I jump the gun by one night? 368 00:19:02,725 --> 00:19:06,353 Look, I-I know this is a moral gray area, but... 369 00:19:06,706 --> 00:19:08,417 It's Robin. 370 00:19:08,878 --> 00:19:09,997 And I'm exhausted. 371 00:19:09,998 --> 00:19:12,641 I am. I'm exhausted from pretending I'm not in love with her. 372 00:19:12,642 --> 00:19:14,171 I think that makes this okay. 373 00:19:14,172 --> 00:19:17,067 Oh, please. You just want to get laid. 374 00:19:17,102 --> 00:19:19,453 Yes, I do. You got me. 375 00:19:19,454 --> 00:19:22,137 That is exactly what I want right now. And so what? 376 00:19:22,138 --> 00:19:23,822 I want this. She wants this. 377 00:19:23,823 --> 00:19:27,070 It's happening, and if you have a problem with it, don't be in Germany. 378 00:19:28,011 --> 00:19:30,201 It's been nice pretending to talk to you. 379 00:19:30,202 --> 00:19:32,824 Thanks for not calling me and good night. 380 00:19:33,924 --> 00:19:35,914 That's not your phone. 381 00:19:36,944 --> 00:19:38,715 This isn't my phone. 382 00:19:45,037 --> 00:19:47,784 Okay. Bye. 383 00:19:49,661 --> 00:19:52,272 I thought it was mine, so I answered it. 384 00:19:52,986 --> 00:19:53,875 Was it...? 385 00:19:53,876 --> 00:19:55,682 It was your girlfriend. 386 00:19:56,418 --> 00:19:58,400 You might want to call her back. 387 00:20:20,336 --> 00:20:23,988 I called Victoria from the cab and we broke up. 388 00:20:24,558 --> 00:20:25,961 Yes... 389 00:20:26,128 --> 00:20:28,273 And there you have it, kids. 390 00:20:28,274 --> 00:20:31,252 The stupidest thing I've ever done. 391 00:20:31,521 --> 00:20:35,324 In one night, I managed to hurt two people I cared about. 392 00:20:35,325 --> 00:20:38,789 And none of it would've happened if I just listened to my mom. 393 00:20:49,405 --> 00:20:53,116 So I guess if there's a lesson to be learned here, it's this: 394 00:20:53,274 --> 00:20:57,642 when it's 2:00 a.m., just go to sleep.
 * 1) There's got to be a morning after... #