How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 7

Subtitles
1 00:00:13,593 --> 00:00:16,910 Kids, before I met your mother, when I was still out there searching, 2 00:00:17,004 --> 00:00:18,605 I learned something valuable. 3 00:00:18,712 --> 00:00:20,544 That love is not a science. 4 00:00:20,633 --> 00:00:22,092 Wow, that was a great story, Dad. 5 00:00:22,184 --> 00:00:23,152 We're going to go watch TV. 6 00:00:23,246 --> 00:00:28,736 You see, sometimes in life you just have to accept that certain things can't be explained. 7 00:00:28,826 --> 00:00:30,437 And that's kind of scary. 8 00:00:32,024 --> 00:00:33,169 Oh, my God. 9 00:00:33,241 --> 00:00:34,481 I know, I'm still shaking. 10 00:00:34,565 --> 00:00:35,105 What the...? 11 00:00:35,183 --> 00:00:37,078 Joke's on you, I have a cold. 12 00:00:37,379 --> 00:00:38,491 Are you guys okay? 13 00:00:38,588 --> 00:00:40,621 Another round, and back it up for me and Lily! 14 00:00:40,702 --> 00:00:41,746 What happened? 15 00:00:41,868 --> 00:00:44,983 We saw something up in the apartment. 16 00:00:45,089 --> 00:00:46,694 Something bad. 17 00:00:51,609 --> 00:00:54,004 I don't know what it is, but margaritas make me sexy. 18 00:00:54,078 --> 00:00:55,841 Oh, muchos sexy. 19 00:00:55,966 --> 00:00:57,788 Yo quiero, Marshall. 20 00:01:01,423 --> 00:01:03,105 Oh, my God. 21 00:01:07,487 --> 00:01:08,351 What was it? 22 00:01:08,427 --> 00:01:11,883 Only the craziest, meanest looking mouse you've ever seen. 23 00:01:11,974 --> 00:01:12,905 Mouse? 24 00:01:13,005 --> 00:01:14,460 Sweetie, that wasn't a mouse. 25 00:01:14,546 --> 00:01:16,530 That was a huge cockroach. 26 00:01:16,611 --> 00:01:18,002 Baby, it was a mouse. 27 00:01:18,085 --> 00:01:19,115 It had whiskers. 28 00:01:19,198 --> 00:01:22,326 But those things coming out of its head, those were antennae. 29 00:01:22,402 --> 00:01:24,350 Marshall ran away from a cockroach. 30 00:01:24,694 --> 00:01:26,116 It was a mouse. 31 00:01:26,194 --> 00:01:28,178 Oh, yeah, sorry, my bad. You're a man. 32 00:01:29,042 --> 00:01:31,183 Oh, my story is on. Ted, pay attention. 33 00:01:31,272 --> 00:01:32,653 Carl, turn it up. 34 00:01:32,753 --> 00:01:36,208 I'm here with Ellen Pierce, New York's premiere matchmaker. 35 00:01:36,316 --> 00:01:40,830 Ellen, your company, Love Solutions, boasts 100% success rate. 36 00:01:40,911 --> 00:01:42,102 What's your secret? 37 00:01:42,187 --> 00:01:43,407 Science. 38 00:01:43,527 --> 00:01:47,622 Everything in life can be broken down to ones and zeros, even love. 39 00:01:47,712 --> 00:01:51,012 All I have to do is input the variables, run the algorithm, 40 00:01:51,084 --> 00:01:55,156 and presto manifesto, you have a soul mate, and it works! 41 00:01:55,463 --> 00:01:58,918 Just ask all of my happy couples. 42 00:01:59,009 --> 00:02:01,129 And these are just the attractive ones. 43 00:02:01,203 --> 00:02:02,842 I have more photos in the bathroom. 44 00:02:03,785 --> 00:02:05,980 Love Solutions, Ellen Pierce. 45 00:02:06,060 --> 00:02:08,867 A beacon of hope for New York City's lovelorn. 46 00:02:08,959 --> 00:02:09,913 Robin Scherbotsky... 47 00:02:10,006 --> 00:02:11,491 Was that chick at the end really a client? 48 00:02:11,579 --> 00:02:12,105 Yes. 49 00:02:12,209 --> 00:02:13,095 We're signing up. 50 00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:13,753 What? 51 00:02:13,844 --> 00:02:15,977 Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot. 52 00:02:16,061 --> 00:02:17,641 That's a perfect cocktail. 53 00:02:17,737 --> 00:02:19,965 Shake well, then sleep with. 54 00:02:20,544 --> 00:02:23,581 I'm not going to a matchmaker. That's like giving up. 55 00:02:23,669 --> 00:02:25,760 It's the man version of getting a cat. 56 00:02:26,171 --> 00:02:29,839 No, it wasn't a cockroach. It had fur, and only mammals have fur. 57 00:02:29,927 --> 00:02:31,282 It was a cockroach. 58 00:02:31,358 --> 00:02:33,330 Come on, Lily, the only way that that was a cockroach 59 00:02:33,405 --> 00:02:36,204 is if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed. 60 00:02:37,863 --> 00:02:39,841 Oh, my God. 61 00:02:40,645 --> 00:02:41,841 Come on. 62 00:02:53,136 --> 00:02:55,089 Ted! Hurry! You've got to help me. 63 00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,159 - My boat is sinking! - What? 64 00:02:56,242 --> 00:02:57,844 - My boat is sinking! - You have a boat? 65 00:02:57,924 --> 00:02:59,228 Yes, I bought a boat last year at a police auction. 66 00:02:59,330 --> 00:03:02,308 I just got a call from a guy down at the marina that it's leaning starboard at a 45 degree angle. 67 00:03:02,381 --> 00:03:04,851 If I don't get down there right now, it's going to capsize. Now come on! 68 00:03:08,435 --> 00:03:10,411 Your boat is sinking. That was good. 69 00:03:10,982 --> 00:03:14,345 Come on, Ted. This is an incredible opportunity. 70 00:03:14,445 --> 00:03:18,576 We'll meet our soul mates, nail 'em and never call 'em again. 71 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,396 All finished, gentlemen? 72 00:03:21,774 --> 00:03:22,998 Congratulations. 73 00:03:23,085 --> 00:03:24,988 You have just taken your very first step. 74 00:03:25,077 --> 00:03:26,431 Gosh, thanks, Ellen. 75 00:03:26,555 --> 00:03:28,167 I sure hope this works. 76 00:03:28,321 --> 00:03:33,181 I'm so done with the single life-- all the games, the meaningless sex. 77 00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:35,488 You deserve more. 78 00:03:35,592 --> 00:03:37,944 That is so true, Ellen. 79 00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:43,485 I really think I'm ready to stop being a me, and start being a we. 80 00:03:43,626 --> 00:03:46,492 Hey, is there any way I can let it be known that I love cuddling? 81 00:03:46,598 --> 00:03:51,125 Ah, of course you can. That is so... Oh. 82 00:03:53,117 --> 00:03:55,736 Kind of hard to talk about with Ted here, but 83 00:03:55,817 --> 00:04:00,547 I just want someone who's not afraid to hold me at night... 84 00:04:00,843 --> 00:04:02,588 when the tears come. 85 00:04:04,063 --> 00:04:06,316 Ellen, can you help me find her? 86 00:04:06,429 --> 00:04:07,617 Get out. 87 00:04:07,772 --> 00:04:08,871 What? 88 00:04:09,544 --> 00:04:12,019 I get 15 guys like you every week. 89 00:04:12,101 --> 00:04:16,282 Jerks who just want to meet vulnerable women, nail 'em and never call 'em again. 90 00:04:16,366 --> 00:04:18,608 Oh, my God, people do that? 91 00:04:18,694 --> 00:04:20,764 Do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way? 92 00:04:20,848 --> 00:04:24,463 What's the hard way? Security roughs me up and tosses me out? 93 00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:28,555 No, that's the easy way. The hard way is that I stomp the crap out of you myself. 94 00:04:29,265 --> 00:04:30,492 Okay, Ted, let's go. 95 00:04:30,589 --> 00:04:32,240 Not you. You stay. 96 00:04:34,073 --> 00:04:35,187 You're cute. 97 00:04:35,539 --> 00:04:36,872 You're an architect. 98 00:04:36,958 --> 00:04:41,211 Good career, and you didn't use an obvious alias on your application, 99 00:04:41,288 --> 00:04:43,953 like your friend Jack Package. 100 00:04:44,465 --> 00:04:46,678 - It's pronounced pa-codge. - Get out of here! 101 00:04:48,799 --> 00:04:52,170 You, I can work with. You give me three days, 102 00:04:52,257 --> 00:04:55,566 and I will find the woman you will marry. 103 00:04:56,319 --> 00:04:57,655 Uh, no thanks. 104 00:04:57,744 --> 00:04:59,588 I don't need an algorithm to meet women. 105 00:04:59,670 --> 00:05:03,022 It's New York City, you know-- plenty of fish in the sea. 106 00:05:03,131 --> 00:05:05,624 Plenty of fish in the sea. 107 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:09,969 Yes, there's nine million people in New York, 4.5 million women. 108 00:05:10,064 --> 00:05:12,858 Of course, you want to meet somebody roughly your own age. 109 00:05:12,933 --> 00:05:14,733 Let's say, plus, minus, five years. 110 00:05:14,796 --> 00:05:20,340 So if we take into account the most recent census data, that leaves us with 482,000. 111 00:05:20,414 --> 00:05:24,343 But, uh, wait... 48% of those are already in relationships, 112 00:05:24,424 --> 00:05:28,174 and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility, 113 00:05:28,252 --> 00:05:31,043 and then you have to take out the ex-girlfriends and the relatives, 114 00:05:31,118 --> 00:05:33,602 and, oh, we can't forget those lesbians. 115 00:05:33,698 --> 00:05:38,814 And then that leaves us with eight women. 116 00:05:39,851 --> 00:05:42,038 That can't be right. Eight? 117 00:05:42,172 --> 00:05:43,548 Really? Eight? 118 00:05:44,321 --> 00:05:47,854 There are eight fish in that big blue ocean, Ted. 119 00:05:47,941 --> 00:05:51,853 And if you feel confident that you could reel one in to your boat without me, 120 00:05:51,955 --> 00:05:53,418 there's the door. 121 00:05:54,095 --> 00:05:55,583 Do you take credit cards? 122 00:05:58,704 --> 00:06:01,849 Okay, it's back. And this time we got a good look. 123 00:06:01,914 --> 00:06:04,529 Hey, seriously, you have to stop doing that. 124 00:06:04,906 --> 00:06:06,273 It's bigger now. 125 00:06:06,487 --> 00:06:08,052 It's been feeding. 126 00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:12,286 We were just upstairs watching TV. 127 00:06:12,381 --> 00:06:13,586 Oh, gosh. 128 00:06:20,972 --> 00:06:24,380 Okay, let's do this. 129 00:06:32,732 --> 00:06:34,492 Shh, shh, shh. 130 00:06:34,627 --> 00:06:35,697 It's okay. 131 00:06:35,833 --> 00:06:37,048 It's over. 132 00:06:37,886 --> 00:06:39,222 Oh, God! 133 00:06:48,043 --> 00:06:49,271 So did you get a good look at it? 134 00:06:49,352 --> 00:06:54,281 Yeah. It has six legs, a hard exoskeleton, like a roach. 135 00:06:54,380 --> 00:06:56,833 But it had mouse-like characteristics. 136 00:06:56,912 --> 00:06:59,716 Grey-brown tufts of fur, a tail. 137 00:06:59,802 --> 00:07:02,316 So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse? 138 00:07:04,430 --> 00:07:07,198 It's a cock-a-mouse. 139 00:07:08,241 --> 00:07:09,214 What? 140 00:07:09,312 --> 00:07:12,282 It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. 141 00:07:12,379 --> 00:07:16,564 It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know... 142 00:07:16,661 --> 00:07:19,830 Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha? 143 00:07:20,409 --> 00:07:22,691 That's impossible. That simply can't happen. 144 00:07:22,784 --> 00:07:24,786 - Oh, but it can. - And it has. 145 00:07:24,871 --> 00:07:26,136 And it's pissed. 146 00:07:28,637 --> 00:07:30,450 Dude, is everything okay? You left the front door open. 147 00:07:30,479 --> 00:07:31,946 There was no time. 148 00:07:34,334 --> 00:07:35,995 So, Love Solutions? 149 00:07:36,087 --> 00:07:37,508 Did you meet the love of your life? 150 00:07:37,645 --> 00:07:40,764 She said it'd take three days. It's been five days. 151 00:07:40,839 --> 00:07:41,664 Should I be worried? 152 00:07:41,751 --> 00:07:44,311 Oh, just play it cool. Don't Ted out about it. 153 00:07:45,344 --> 00:07:47,598 Did you just use my name as a verb? 154 00:07:47,698 --> 00:07:50,632 Oh, yeah. We do that behind your back. 155 00:07:50,721 --> 00:07:52,479 "Ted out," to overthink. 156 00:07:52,578 --> 00:07:54,265 Also see "Ted up." 157 00:07:54,437 --> 00:07:57,454 "Ted up"-- to overthink something with disastrous results. 158 00:07:57,550 --> 00:07:59,886 Sample sentence: Billy Tedded up when he tried... 159 00:07:59,924 --> 00:08:01,915 Okay, I get it. 160 00:08:02,262 --> 00:08:05,430 Don't worry. I'm not going to Ted anything up. Or out. 161 00:08:05,843 --> 00:08:07,642 I should give it a few more days. 162 00:08:09,148 --> 00:08:11,701 Hi, Ellen. Remember me? I'm Ted. 163 00:08:11,799 --> 00:08:14,622 Ted, hi. I, uh, meant to call you. 164 00:08:14,715 --> 00:08:16,863 The computer is still crunching the numbers. 165 00:08:16,945 --> 00:08:18,978 Busy as a bee, that little computer. 166 00:08:19,096 --> 00:08:20,541 You said it was going to be three days. 167 00:08:20,619 --> 00:08:21,515 Did I? 168 00:08:21,594 --> 00:08:22,989 Three days? Really? 169 00:08:23,079 --> 00:08:26,711 Yeah, and when someone says you're going to meet the perfect woman in three days, 170 00:08:26,790 --> 00:08:29,232 you kind of put that in your date book, so... 171 00:08:30,092 --> 00:08:33,423 How do I say this? This is going to be really hard. 172 00:08:33,526 --> 00:08:38,077 Ted... there are absolutely no women out there for you. 173 00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:41,146 Phew, actually, I got through that okay. 174 00:08:44,695 --> 00:08:46,611 There're no women out there for me? I thought you said there were eight. 175 00:08:46,692 --> 00:08:49,072 I know. There are supposed to be. I don't know where they are. 176 00:08:49,153 --> 00:08:51,678 But... I'm an architect. And you said I'm cute. 177 00:08:51,757 --> 00:08:53,085 I'm a cute architect. 178 00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:56,726 How do you think I feel? I have a 100% success rate. 179 00:08:56,801 --> 00:08:58,232 That's my hook. 180 00:08:58,339 --> 00:09:00,440 I could maybe find somebody for you if you were gay. 181 00:09:00,531 --> 00:09:01,228 Well, I'm not. 182 00:09:01,318 --> 00:09:03,258 - A little bi maybe? - No! 183 00:09:04,486 --> 00:09:05,715 You're messing with me, right? 184 00:09:05,802 --> 00:09:07,100 Come see for yourself. 185 00:09:08,345 --> 00:09:13,807 I cannot set you up unless you have a compatibility rating of 7.0 or higher. 186 00:09:13,892 --> 00:09:17,425 And look, 5.4, 4.8, 5.6. 187 00:09:17,513 --> 00:09:19,192 There's a 9.6 right there. 188 00:09:19,466 --> 00:09:21,325 Don't touch the computer. 189 00:09:22,633 --> 00:09:24,319 Yes, Sarah O'Brien. 190 00:09:24,408 --> 00:09:28,066 I fixed her up six months ago. She would have been absolutely perfect for you. 191 00:09:28,150 --> 00:09:31,210 Well, what about the guy you set her up with? Is he a 9.6 compatibility rating? 192 00:09:31,303 --> 00:09:32,203 8.5. 193 00:09:32,296 --> 00:09:33,250 So he sucks. 194 00:09:33,343 --> 00:09:36,893 No, 8.5 is an extremely good match-up quotient. 195 00:09:36,971 --> 00:09:38,708 Oh, sure, it's good. 196 00:09:38,810 --> 00:09:41,871 It's solid, but a 9.6? 197 00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:45,884 9.6 is off the charts, but Sarah is matched up. 198 00:09:45,976 --> 00:09:48,533 Ted, look, I have a lunch. 199 00:09:48,618 --> 00:09:52,660 Please, I promise we will find you somebody. Don't lose hope. 200 00:09:52,874 --> 00:09:56,083 There are new women turning 18 every day. 201 00:10:24,355 --> 00:10:27,345 It's a whole new species-- the cock-a-mouse. 202 00:10:27,430 --> 00:10:31,115 And it's the size of a potato. 203 00:10:32,699 --> 00:10:36,349 So what, now it's a cock-a-potato-mouse? 204 00:10:36,439 --> 00:10:39,360 Don't make it sound ridiculous. It's a cock-a-mouse. 205 00:10:40,566 --> 00:10:43,600 My God, this is incredible. We're like the same person. 206 00:10:43,700 --> 00:10:46,855 Sarah O'Brien loves brunch, she wants to have two children. 207 00:10:47,335 --> 00:10:51,093 Her guilty pleasure song is "Summer Breeze" by Seals and Crofts. 208 00:10:51,170 --> 00:10:54,131 Wow, Ted, sounds like you're her perfect woman. 209 00:10:54,848 --> 00:10:58,412 And like the majestic seahorse, it's hermaphroditic. 210 00:10:59,157 --> 00:11:02,712 Obviously the whole thing is shrouded in mystery. 211 00:11:02,833 --> 00:11:05,063 For as much as we know about the cock-a-mouse, 212 00:11:05,162 --> 00:11:07,321 there's still so much we don't know. 213 00:11:08,152 --> 00:11:11,212 Well, we know that there's no such thing as the cock-a-mouse. 214 00:11:11,302 --> 00:11:14,587 What we don't know is what you guys have been smoking. 215 00:11:15,306 --> 00:11:17,494 So you really don't believe in the cock-a-mouse? 216 00:11:17,577 --> 00:11:20,064 Well, I believe that you saw something perfectly normal, 217 00:11:20,149 --> 00:11:22,529 but you've exaggerated it in your mind, you know? 218 00:11:22,629 --> 00:11:24,879 Like the Loch Ness Monster. 219 00:11:27,665 --> 00:11:32,015 If by "like the Loch Ness Monster," you mean totally exists and is awesome, 220 00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:34,467 then yeah, it's like the Loch Ness Monster. 221 00:11:35,938 --> 00:11:40,263 Its diet is not unlike our own-- grains, cereals-- and it's awfully fond of cheese. 222 00:11:40,347 --> 00:11:43,220 Okay, this is getting weird. The similarities go on and on. 223 00:11:43,309 --> 00:11:46,960 She hates phonies. I totally hate phonies, too. 224 00:11:47,095 --> 00:11:49,381 She's a dermatologist. I have skin. 225 00:11:49,983 --> 00:11:54,173 You want to be her boyfriend. She already has a boyfriend, it's uncanny. 226 00:11:54,579 --> 00:11:55,605 All right. 227 00:11:55,797 --> 00:11:57,407 But it wouldn't hurt to check her out, right? 228 00:11:57,498 --> 00:11:59,551 See what my 9.6 looks like in person? 229 00:11:59,628 --> 00:12:01,392 As, you know, a frame of reference. 230 00:12:01,475 --> 00:12:05,715 And if she thinks she can do 11.45% better, who am I to deny her that? 231 00:12:06,074 --> 00:12:08,545 That's right. I did the math. 232 00:12:12,113 --> 00:12:12,874 Hi. 233 00:12:12,973 --> 00:12:14,801 Hi. I'm Dr. O'Brien. 234 00:12:14,903 --> 00:12:16,216 I'm Architect Mosby. 235 00:12:16,332 --> 00:12:18,802 Sorry, I just wanted to say my job, too. 236 00:12:19,161 --> 00:12:20,303 Hi, I'm Ted. 237 00:12:20,417 --> 00:12:22,163 Hi. So what are we doing today? 238 00:12:22,251 --> 00:12:24,581 Right, I, uh, I have a kind of mole on my back. 239 00:12:24,635 --> 00:12:26,963 It's probably nothing, but I'm a cautious guy. 240 00:12:27,056 --> 00:12:28,835 I'm exactly the same. 241 00:12:32,538 --> 00:12:38,178 Summer breeze makes me feel fine 242 00:12:38,301 --> 00:12:43,542 Blowing through the jasmine in my mind 243 00:12:45,327 --> 00:12:46,747 Sorry about that. 244 00:12:46,837 --> 00:12:48,939 "Summer Breeze" is my guilty pleasure song. 245 00:12:49,132 --> 00:12:52,056 It's been stuck in my head ever since I heard it this weekend... 246 00:12:52,147 --> 00:12:53,587 at brunch. 247 00:12:53,871 --> 00:12:55,607 I love brunch. 248 00:12:55,700 --> 00:12:57,456 It's the best. 249 00:12:57,585 --> 00:13:00,491 As long as I don't have to spend it with a bunch of phonies. 250 00:13:01,328 --> 00:13:03,952 I like the way you think, Architect Mosby. 251 00:13:05,656 --> 00:13:08,825 Hey, this may sound weird, but it'll definitely sound more weird once my shirt's off. 252 00:13:08,901 --> 00:13:10,485 So I'm going to ask you now. 253 00:13:10,673 --> 00:13:13,113 Do you want to have dinner with me Saturday night? 254 00:13:13,935 --> 00:13:18,630 That's very sweet, but I'm actually getting married on Saturday. 255 00:13:20,139 --> 00:13:21,323 Friday night? 256 00:13:25,202 --> 00:13:28,064 Wow. You're getting married. Congratulations. 257 00:13:28,151 --> 00:13:29,145 Thank you. 258 00:13:29,247 --> 00:13:31,331 I'm really sorry I asked you out, it just felt like 259 00:13:31,408 --> 00:13:33,523 there could be this weird connection between us. 260 00:13:33,611 --> 00:13:35,155 How crazy am I coming off here? 261 00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:36,566 Only a little. 262 00:13:36,992 --> 00:13:41,285 Well... if by some million-to-one long shot and I'm not rooting for this-- 263 00:13:41,471 --> 00:13:44,247 you wind up not getting married this weekend, 264 00:13:44,596 --> 00:13:45,913 give me a call. 265 00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:47,037 Okay. 266 00:13:47,150 --> 00:13:50,260 But it's not likely. I look damn good in my dress. 267 00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:52,185 I'm sure you do. 268 00:13:56,310 --> 00:13:59,537 Wow, that's a pretty sophisticated trap. 269 00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:01,974 You think the roadrunner's going to fall for it? 270 00:14:02,083 --> 00:14:03,819 Okay, we get it. You're skeptical. 271 00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:05,962 But Marshall and I, we're believers. 272 00:14:06,059 --> 00:14:07,085 We believe. 273 00:14:07,184 --> 00:14:10,456 Yeah, look around. The universe is mysterious and awesome. 274 00:14:10,551 --> 00:14:13,763 You've got the Bermuda Triangle, ghosts, Bigfoot. 275 00:14:13,855 --> 00:14:17,190 Bad maps, creaky houses, hillbilly in a gorilla suit. 276 00:14:17,285 --> 00:14:18,590 Aliens. 277 00:14:18,881 --> 00:14:21,455 Oh, come on, you've got to give me aliens. 278 00:14:21,549 --> 00:14:25,662 Stonehenge, Area 51, there's alien crap all over the place. 279 00:14:25,918 --> 00:14:27,610 You can't be serious. 280 00:14:27,787 --> 00:14:30,186 My friend, you just poked the bear. 281 00:14:32,237 --> 00:14:38,231 So my 9.6-- beautiful, charming, intelligent, engaged. 282 00:14:38,624 --> 00:14:40,741 Oh, Ted. I'm so sorry. 283 00:14:40,828 --> 00:14:42,201 Yeah, it was a long shot. 284 00:14:42,296 --> 00:14:45,067 I told her to call me anyway if she changes her mind, but I don't know. 285 00:14:45,151 --> 00:14:47,993 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not skip over this. 286 00:14:48,381 --> 00:14:52,653 Raise your hand if earlier today you hit on an engaged woman. 287 00:14:56,209 --> 00:14:58,388 Come on, Lily. Don't hate the player, hate the game. 288 00:14:58,802 --> 00:15:05,704 "On the night of July 2, 1947, conditions we clear over Roswell, New Mexico..." 289 00:15:05,733 --> 00:15:06,875 Oh, geez. 290 00:15:06,974 --> 00:15:09,036 Oh, hey, Ted, there's a message on the machine for you. 291 00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:10,059 Dr. O'Brien. 292 00:15:10,156 --> 00:15:11,263 What? 293 00:15:11,377 --> 00:15:13,772 "When suddenly an array of..." 294 00:15:14,884 --> 00:15:17,135 Ted, hi, this is Dr. O'Brien. 295 00:15:17,221 --> 00:15:20,187 About today, listen, I really need to talk to you. 296 00:15:20,275 --> 00:15:22,400 Call me. I'll be at the office all day. 297 00:15:23,085 --> 00:15:25,272 The doctor will see you now. 298 00:15:31,113 --> 00:15:33,053 What should I do? I should totally go down there, right? 299 00:15:33,121 --> 00:15:36,959 Don't interfere. Some guy is expecting to marry this woman on Saturday. 300 00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:39,429 Yeah, an 8.5 guy. 301 00:15:39,509 --> 00:15:43,027 Look, if I was marrying the wrong person and the right person was out there and knew it, 302 00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:46,668 I'd want that person to come down to my dermatology office and tell me so. 303 00:15:46,767 --> 00:15:50,273 In that scenario, I'm not interfering, I'm a happy ending. 304 00:15:50,418 --> 00:15:51,737 Happy ending. 305 00:15:52,713 --> 00:15:53,891 Look, I have to go down there. 306 00:15:53,989 --> 00:15:56,551 I don't know what's going to happen when I get there, but I've got to give it a shot. 307 00:15:56,902 --> 00:15:59,301 All right, see you later. Happy hunting. 308 00:15:59,421 --> 00:16:02,670 Wait, where are you guys going? Don't you want to stay and see the cock-a-mouse? 309 00:16:02,752 --> 00:16:05,172 Yeah, we're going to go make some crop circles. 310 00:16:09,675 --> 00:16:10,841 Oh, my God! 311 00:16:10,946 --> 00:16:13,081 Holy crap buckets. We got it. 312 00:16:13,233 --> 00:16:14,474 What do we do with it? 313 00:16:14,571 --> 00:16:16,426 Calm down. I have a plan. 314 00:16:16,526 --> 00:16:20,523 I told my friend Sadip about it. He wants to show it to the Columbia biology department. 315 00:16:20,612 --> 00:16:22,232 But it has to be alive. 316 00:16:22,312 --> 00:16:23,558 Wait, no, no! 317 00:16:23,647 --> 00:16:27,356 They'll do lab experiments on it. That's so mean. 318 00:16:27,473 --> 00:16:30,080 Shouldn't we just beat it to death with a bat? 319 00:16:35,053 --> 00:16:36,174 Hello again. 320 00:16:37,620 --> 00:16:42,574 I'm glad you came down. I would prefer to say this to you in person. 321 00:16:42,667 --> 00:16:45,800 Go ahead, Sarah. You can tell me anything. 322 00:16:45,924 --> 00:16:49,003 You have a basal cell carcinoma. 323 00:16:49,527 --> 00:16:51,327 Anything else? 324 00:16:52,810 --> 00:16:55,772 Your mole. The biopsy came back. 325 00:16:55,864 --> 00:16:59,725 It's not life-threatening, but we should excise the rest of it. 326 00:16:59,818 --> 00:17:01,888 Wait, then you're still getting married? 327 00:17:01,981 --> 00:17:03,593 Of course I'm still getting married. 328 00:17:03,677 --> 00:17:05,661 But we're a 9.6. 329 00:17:05,748 --> 00:17:07,270 Excuse me? 330 00:17:07,411 --> 00:17:11,979 Okay. I went to Love Solutions, and I saw on Ellen Pierce's computer, 331 00:17:12,057 --> 00:17:13,663 that you and I are a 9.6. 332 00:17:13,759 --> 00:17:15,634 Your fiancé is only an 8.5. 333 00:17:15,745 --> 00:17:17,194 You looked at my file? 334 00:17:17,293 --> 00:17:19,710 I had to. You're my only match. 335 00:17:19,801 --> 00:17:20,997 Aren't you even a little curious? 336 00:17:21,074 --> 00:17:23,929 The woman who set you up with your fiancé, thinks we're a better match. 337 00:17:24,003 --> 00:17:27,306 I am getting married on Saturday. 338 00:17:29,292 --> 00:17:31,376 Summer breeze... 339 00:17:31,685 --> 00:17:32,497 Ted. 340 00:17:32,591 --> 00:17:34,532 Look, don't you think you're being a little impulsive 341 00:17:34,614 --> 00:17:36,413 marrying a guy you just met a few months ago? 342 00:17:36,488 --> 00:17:38,106 Don't you think it's a little impulsive for you 343 00:17:38,185 --> 00:17:41,262 to proposition an engaged woman you don't even know? 344 00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:43,716 See? We're both impulsive. 345 00:17:43,798 --> 00:17:45,056 We're perfect for each other. 346 00:17:45,134 --> 00:17:46,422 Ted, just calm down. 347 00:17:46,504 --> 00:17:48,799 Calm down?! You're my only match. 348 00:17:48,891 --> 00:17:53,905 God, there was a computer and there were eight fish in a sea full of lesbians and... 349 00:17:53,911 --> 00:17:55,279 Okay, Ted, Ted. 350 00:17:56,498 --> 00:18:00,727 Do you honestly believe, deep down, that there is no one else out there for you 351 00:18:00,810 --> 00:18:03,392 just because some computer says so? 352 00:18:05,121 --> 00:18:10,122 I didn't used to. But there was math, I got confused. 353 00:18:10,691 --> 00:18:14,885 Love isn't a science. You can't calculate a feeling. 354 00:18:15,006 --> 00:18:19,820 When you fall in love with someone, an 8.5 equals a perfect ten. 355 00:18:21,303 --> 00:18:22,392 You're right. 356 00:18:23,324 --> 00:18:27,462 If this thing is what you say it is, it could be huge for my career. 357 00:18:27,791 --> 00:18:29,406 Brace yourself, dude. 358 00:18:29,539 --> 00:18:31,861 This is going to blow your mind hole. 359 00:18:35,431 --> 00:18:36,525 You bastard. 360 00:18:36,610 --> 00:18:38,235 I actually got excited about this. 361 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:39,211 What? 362 00:18:39,298 --> 00:18:40,579 It's empty. 363 00:18:42,668 --> 00:18:45,824 Wait, but if it's not here, that means... 364 00:18:46,728 --> 00:18:47,840 Lily. 365 00:18:49,138 --> 00:18:50,165 Robin! 366 00:18:50,248 --> 00:18:51,163 What? 367 00:18:54,470 --> 00:18:55,613 Oh, my God. 368 00:18:55,670 --> 00:18:56,476 It's real. 369 00:18:56,545 --> 00:18:57,925 No, is it? 370 00:18:58,003 --> 00:18:59,555 Do something. 371 00:19:04,557 --> 00:19:06,935 What the hell was that? You trying to get it drunk? 372 00:19:06,954 --> 00:19:08,821 It was the only thing I could think of. 373 00:19:09,401 --> 00:19:11,044 Lily! Thank God. 374 00:19:14,351 --> 00:19:15,846 Lily, I love you. 375 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,374 Robin, open up the window! 376 00:19:22,672 --> 00:19:25,110 Open the window! Ah! 377 00:19:27,782 --> 00:19:29,500 It can fly. 378 00:19:30,783 --> 00:19:32,335 Wow. 379 00:19:33,281 --> 00:19:35,456 Be free, mutant beast. 380 00:19:35,714 --> 00:19:37,897 I'll miss this private war of ours. 381 00:19:38,023 --> 00:19:42,652 I grew to admire your tenacious... Holy mother of God, it's headed this way! 382 00:19:51,636 --> 00:19:52,787 Hi, Ellen. 383 00:19:55,055 --> 00:19:56,717 I think I want my money back. 384 00:19:58,301 --> 00:19:59,570 I'm a failure. 385 00:19:59,955 --> 00:20:02,543 I'm all washed up. I tried everything, Ted. 386 00:20:02,753 --> 00:20:06,532 I widened the search parameters. I tweaked the program. 387 00:20:06,860 --> 00:20:10,846 Last night I stood out on the street for five hours 388 00:20:10,933 --> 00:20:14,064 showing your photo to random pedestrians. No takers. 389 00:20:14,753 --> 00:20:18,058 Although this transvestite hooker said he/she would do you for half price 390 00:20:18,154 --> 00:20:22,821 because you kind of look like John Cusack and his/her favorite movie was Say Anything. 391 00:20:24,258 --> 00:20:27,664 Come on, Ellen. I mean, a pint of ice cream, isn't that a bit cliché? 392 00:20:27,756 --> 00:20:29,184 It's for the bourbon. 393 00:20:30,624 --> 00:20:33,076 This isn't hopeless. You're going to find someone for me. 394 00:20:33,170 --> 00:20:35,019 No, I won't. 395 00:20:35,103 --> 00:20:36,971 You're going to die alone. 396 00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:39,385 I'm not going to die alone. 397 00:20:39,469 --> 00:20:41,724 Look at me. I'm bright, I'm attractive. 398 00:20:41,815 --> 00:20:43,585 You just got to get back out there and keep looking. 399 00:20:43,678 --> 00:20:45,484 No, you're never going to find anybody. 400 00:20:45,571 --> 00:20:49,179 And every year you're just getting older and it's getting harder and harder. 401 00:20:49,278 --> 00:20:51,948 You're being ridiculous. I'm going to be up on that wall one of these days. 402 00:20:52,006 --> 00:20:54,741 - No, you won't! - Yes, I will! 403 00:20:54,845 --> 00:20:55,974 How do you know? 404 00:20:56,100 --> 00:20:59,089 I don't know, but I believe. 405 00:20:59,189 --> 00:21:03,906 Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse can find love in this crazy city, then, damn it, so can I. 406 00:21:04,505 --> 00:21:05,850 You're losing me. 407 00:21:06,266 --> 00:21:09,206 The point is, something good's going to happen to me. 408 00:21:09,287 --> 00:21:13,211 Maybe your computer will help, maybe it won't, but it'll happen. 409 00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:16,860 So I should keep looking? 410 00:21:16,964 --> 00:21:18,807 Of course you should. 411 00:21:19,136 --> 00:21:22,925 And now, you're going to do it for free.