How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 12

Subtitles
1 00:00:12,875 --> 00:00:15,425 When you're single, and your friends start to get married, 2 00:00:15,510 --> 00:00:19,367 every wedding invitation presents a strange moment of self-evaluation: 3 00:00:19,650 --> 00:00:22,563 "Will you be bringing a guest, or will you be attending alone?" 4 00:00:22,893 --> 00:00:24,533 What it's really asking is, 5 00:00:24,648 --> 00:00:26,555 "Where do you see yourself in three months? 6 00:00:26,713 --> 00:00:29,873 Sitting next to your girlfriend, or hitting on a bridesmaid?" 7 00:00:30,374 --> 00:00:32,808 I always checked that I was bringing a guest. 8 00:00:33,324 --> 00:00:34,287 I was an optimist. 9 00:00:37,228 --> 00:00:38,726 Who the hell am I gonna bring to this wedding? 10 00:00:38,909 --> 00:00:41,326 Ted, have you ignored all my teachings? 11 00:00:41,420 --> 00:00:42,682 For the most part, yeah. 12 00:00:42,770 --> 00:00:44,143 No, you don't bring a date to a wedding. 13 00:00:44,233 --> 00:00:46,687 That's like bringing a deer carcass on a hunting trip. 14 00:00:46,795 --> 00:00:49,529 Oh, Ted. Oh, Ted. No-- no date. 15 00:00:49,663 --> 00:00:52,241 Deer carcass? Really? That's the metaphor you're going with here? 16 00:00:52,341 --> 00:00:53,858 Ted, it's a simile. 17 00:00:54,061 --> 00:00:56,180 Well, it's too late now. If I don't bring a date, 18 00:00:56,279 --> 00:00:59,330 a $200 piece of chicken/salmon will go uneaten. 19 00:00:59,411 --> 00:01:00,991 I got to bring someone, but who? 20 00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:02,916 Of course, I knew who I wanted to bring. 21 00:01:03,106 --> 00:01:06,594 Robin-- the big unanswered question in my life. 22 00:01:06,685 --> 00:01:10,234 Problem was, she was dating this really rich guy named Derek. 23 00:01:11,178 --> 00:01:12,058 Derek. 24 00:01:13,297 --> 00:01:15,792 Well, Derek and I just broke up. 25 00:01:15,902 --> 00:01:18,317 Oh, no, that's terrible! Are you okay? 26 00:01:18,382 --> 00:01:19,842 Yeah, do you need a drink or something? 27 00:01:19,948 --> 00:01:21,666 Nah... We never really clicked. 28 00:01:21,785 --> 00:01:23,668 I felt bad, though. He was pretty bummed. 29 00:01:23,781 --> 00:01:25,143 Ah, don't beat yourself up. 30 00:01:25,258 --> 00:01:27,692 He'll be fine. I mean, the guy's, like, a billionaire. 31 00:01:27,807 --> 00:01:31,508 He can put his platinum card on a fishing line and reel in ten chicks hotter than you. 32 00:01:31,929 --> 00:01:33,926 Thanks. I feel a lot better. 33 00:01:34,051 --> 00:01:35,815 I think I'll get that drink now. 34 00:01:38,073 --> 00:01:39,989 Okay, guys, I got to say something. 35 00:01:40,657 --> 00:01:43,594 I think my feelings for Robin may be resurfacing. 36 00:01:45,082 --> 00:01:48,345 Oh, please-- they were buried in a shallow grave. 37 00:01:48,345 --> 00:01:50,496 Not again. Come on. Dude? 38 00:01:50,608 --> 00:01:52,115 We all know how this movie ends. 39 00:01:52,224 --> 00:01:56,542 Ted falls in love, love kicks Ted in the sprouts, roll credits. 40 00:01:56,677 --> 00:01:59,240 No, you guys just have to look at the whole picture. 41 00:01:59,401 --> 00:02:00,315 Fact: 42 00:02:00,597 --> 00:02:02,683 Robin was into me when we first met. 43 00:02:03,166 --> 00:02:04,079 Fact: 44 00:02:04,182 --> 00:02:07,420 Even though she didn't want a relationship, we had an amazing kiss on the roof. 45 00:02:07,808 --> 00:02:08,864 Fact: 46 00:02:08,975 --> 00:02:11,518 On New Year's Eve, we kissed again. 47 00:02:11,712 --> 00:02:12,639 Fact: 48 00:02:12,796 --> 00:02:14,425 I need a date to this wedding. 49 00:02:14,507 --> 00:02:15,577 Wish me luck. 50 00:02:16,841 --> 00:02:20,229 What I don't get is why is Claudia marrying Stuart? 51 00:02:20,336 --> 00:02:22,014 She's way hotter than him. 52 00:02:22,046 --> 00:02:23,192 How way? 53 00:02:23,365 --> 00:02:24,905 Way way. 54 00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:28,812 This wedding does sound pretty amazing, though. 55 00:02:29,197 --> 00:02:31,013 Fancy hotel ballroom, 56 00:02:31,245 --> 00:02:32,708 everybody all dressed up... 57 00:02:32,803 --> 00:02:34,491 Oh, here we go. 58 00:02:34,608 --> 00:02:35,089 What? 59 00:02:35,192 --> 00:02:37,045 We can't get anywhere with our wedding plans 60 00:02:37,145 --> 00:02:40,204 because I want it to be fun and Marshall wants it to be lame. 61 00:02:40,300 --> 00:02:42,691 Oh, yeah. Okay, that's a pretty fair assessment of our two arguments. 62 00:02:42,778 --> 00:02:43,584 I thought so. 63 00:02:44,146 --> 00:02:46,852 You know what? Excuse me if I don't want to get married 64 00:02:46,942 --> 00:02:50,802 barefoot in the woods next to Lake No-One's-Going-To-Drive-That-Far. 65 00:02:51,006 --> 00:02:53,021 Yes. I want a ballroom, 66 00:02:53,137 --> 00:02:55,738 and I want a band, and I want shoes. 67 00:02:55,978 --> 00:02:58,733 I've been dreaming about this day since I was, like... 68 00:02:58,839 --> 00:03:00,398 A little girl? 69 00:03:00,942 --> 00:03:01,913 What up! 70 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:05,866 Okay. I'm just saying that it's my wedding, too, and I should have a say in it. 71 00:03:05,959 --> 00:03:07,944 Yes, but I'm the bride, so I win. 72 00:03:08,074 --> 00:03:11,302 Well, I thought marriage was about two equal partners sharing a life together. 73 00:03:11,398 --> 00:03:13,389 Right, but I'm the bride, so I win. 74 00:03:14,341 --> 00:03:17,128 I mean, seriously-- Claudia and Stuart? 75 00:03:17,247 --> 00:03:20,840 I mean, I've hooked up with the odd lass who was beneath my level of attractiveness, 76 00:03:20,949 --> 00:03:22,485 but, you know, I was drunk. 77 00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:25,304 There's no way Claudia has been drunk for three years. 78 00:03:26,293 --> 00:03:29,916 You know, I've always found that the best way to get over a failed relationship 79 00:03:30,021 --> 00:03:32,308 is to celebrate someone else's successful one. 80 00:03:32,406 --> 00:03:33,951 Oh, it makes sense. 81 00:03:34,303 --> 00:03:37,191 So, with that in mind, uh, our friends Claudia and Stuart 82 00:03:37,275 --> 00:03:39,624 are having this crazy black-tie wedding on Saturday. 83 00:03:39,727 --> 00:03:41,388 You want to be my plus one? 84 00:03:41,525 --> 00:03:44,813 Ooh... "Plus one." You make it sound so romantic. 85 00:03:44,986 --> 00:03:45,918 Fine. 86 00:03:47,547 --> 00:03:49,033 You want to be my date? 87 00:03:49,455 --> 00:03:50,713 Your date? 88 00:03:51,656 --> 00:03:52,823 I'd love to. 89 00:03:53,512 --> 00:03:55,225 How fancy are we talking about here? 90 00:03:55,330 --> 00:03:56,977 Oh, you're going to want to bring your "A" game. 91 00:03:57,063 --> 00:03:58,173 Oh, I'll bring it. 92 00:03:58,273 --> 00:04:01,585 I'll bring it so hard, the bride's going to look like a big white bag of crap. 93 00:04:03,246 --> 00:04:05,302 Lily? I need a dress. 94 00:04:05,396 --> 00:04:07,138 You're going? That's awesome! 95 00:04:07,227 --> 00:04:09,031 Oh, my God-- four days to find a dress? 96 00:04:09,129 --> 00:04:10,704 I know, it's a suicide mission. 97 00:04:10,807 --> 00:04:14,697 Well, if we leave now... we can still have a fighting chance. Let's do it! 98 00:04:14,867 --> 00:04:15,816 Bye, babe. 99 00:04:17,155 --> 00:04:19,642 Whoa! Did you see how fired up she was? 100 00:04:19,738 --> 00:04:21,236 I don't know, there's something there. 101 00:04:21,328 --> 00:04:24,747 And, come Saturday, a little music, a little dancing, a lot of champagne... 102 00:04:24,783 --> 00:04:25,504 Who knows? 103 00:04:25,607 --> 00:04:28,145 Wow. Ted, you're going to have to find another gender for yourself, 104 00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:30,627 'cause I'm revoking your "dude" membership. 105 00:04:30,765 --> 00:04:33,195 Yeah... how was that manicure yesterday? 106 00:04:34,039 --> 00:04:35,427 Invigorating, thanks. 107 00:04:36,892 --> 00:04:39,511 Okay, I wasn't going to say it in front of the guys, 108 00:04:39,618 --> 00:04:42,205 but back then I really thought that's how it worked. 109 00:04:46,809 --> 00:04:50,334 You put yourself and a girl you like in some romantic setting... 110 00:04:53,123 --> 00:04:54,490 the stars line up... 111 00:04:55,528 --> 00:04:56,961 and shazam. 112 00:04:59,552 --> 00:05:01,951 I know now that life is never that simple. 113 00:05:02,077 --> 00:05:03,090 Hey, Claudia! 114 00:05:04,063 --> 00:05:07,753 Yes, I want Tahitian Vanilla! You wrote it down wrong? 115 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:09,296 No, no, no, no, listen to me-- 116 00:05:09,429 --> 00:05:11,936 if I go to my wedding and the cake is not Tahitian Vanilla, 117 00:05:12,030 --> 00:05:14,359 I will come down there and burn your little shop to the ground! 118 00:05:14,522 --> 00:05:16,258 Do you want to find out if I'm kidding? 119 00:05:16,393 --> 00:05:17,171 Yeah, good-bye. 120 00:05:18,849 --> 00:05:19,746 Hey! 121 00:05:21,247 --> 00:05:22,287 How's it going? 122 00:05:22,513 --> 00:05:24,864 My wedding is in two days, that's how it's going. 123 00:05:24,961 --> 00:05:27,418 Oh, don't worry, it's going to be great. I'm so excited. 124 00:05:27,542 --> 00:05:29,311 Well, you should be-- lots of single girls. 125 00:05:29,417 --> 00:05:34,098 Oh, well, yeah, I'm... bringing a date, so I'll be off the market. 126 00:05:34,230 --> 00:05:34,941 What? 127 00:05:35,051 --> 00:05:36,200 I'm bringing a date. 128 00:05:36,332 --> 00:05:37,700 You're not bringing a date. 129 00:05:37,793 --> 00:05:39,420 Uh... yes, I am. 130 00:05:39,591 --> 00:05:41,648 Uh, no, you're not. 131 00:05:41,767 --> 00:05:42,635 I checked "plus one." 132 00:05:42,724 --> 00:05:43,798 No, you didn't. 133 00:05:44,228 --> 00:05:46,016 Claudia, I'm pretty sure I checked... 134 00:05:46,125 --> 00:05:47,763 Ted, you did not check "plus one"! 135 00:05:47,860 --> 00:05:49,656 You are not bringing a date to my wedding! 136 00:05:53,349 --> 00:05:55,159 Wait, I've already invited someone. 137 00:05:55,253 --> 00:05:56,883 You are not bringing a guest, Ted! 138 00:05:56,991 --> 00:05:59,174 The guest list has been closed for months-- months! 139 00:05:59,284 --> 00:06:01,877 But I checked "plus one"! I always check "plus one"! 140 00:06:01,961 --> 00:06:04,139 You absolutely did not check "plus one"! 141 00:06:04,245 --> 00:06:06,431 If you had checked "plus one," I would have called you to get the name of your guest, 142 00:06:06,508 --> 00:06:08,029 so I could have the place cards printed up. 143 00:06:08,111 --> 00:06:09,372 Did I call you to get the name of your guest? 144 00:06:09,450 --> 00:06:11,292 Is there a place card with her name printed on it? 145 00:06:11,430 --> 00:06:13,763 She doesn't need a place card. She knows her name. 146 00:06:13,933 --> 00:06:16,307 What's she eating?! Huh?! You ordered the chicken. What did she order? 147 00:06:16,398 --> 00:06:18,796 Do you see how your story is full of holes? 148 00:06:19,365 --> 00:06:21,406 Come on, Claudia, we go way back. 149 00:06:21,506 --> 00:06:23,392 Isn't there room for just one more person? 150 00:06:23,505 --> 00:06:25,386 Don't make me hurt you, Ted. 151 00:06:26,648 --> 00:06:29,281 I don't believe this! Claudia's crazy! 152 00:06:29,406 --> 00:06:31,243 But, to be fair, she's also hot. 153 00:06:31,380 --> 00:06:33,559 I totally checked "plus one." I'm sure I did. 154 00:06:33,652 --> 00:06:34,845 - Yeah, right. - I did! 155 00:06:34,938 --> 00:06:37,259 Yeah, I don't think you did. You know why? 156 00:06:37,361 --> 00:06:39,961 Because deep down, you didn't want to show up at this thing with a date. 157 00:06:40,045 --> 00:06:44,783 See, for all your big talk about being ready for a relationship, deep down, you're single. 158 00:06:44,893 --> 00:06:46,553 It's your default setting. 159 00:06:46,689 --> 00:06:49,402 Ted, you know what's in the back of your brain? 160 00:06:49,519 --> 00:06:51,692 Oh, great, here comes the little Barney speech. 161 00:06:51,826 --> 00:06:56,400 Behind a curtain, in a dark little room secretly controlling your every move? 162 00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:58,624 - A little Barney... - A little Barney. 163 00:06:58,797 --> 00:07:00,656 A little Barney. 164 00:07:01,682 --> 00:07:03,190 And you know what he said? 165 00:07:03,328 --> 00:07:07,318 "Ted... you will bring no dates to this wedding. 166 00:07:07,404 --> 00:07:12,199 You... will hit on drunk bridesmaids with actual-size Barney." 167 00:07:12,296 --> 00:07:13,999 Wow. Please stop. 168 00:07:14,564 --> 00:07:16,447 I got to call Claudia. If I just explain to her... 169 00:07:16,550 --> 00:07:18,332 Ted, no! Let it go. 170 00:07:18,427 --> 00:07:20,792 She's about to get married, she's got enough to worry about. 171 00:07:20,894 --> 00:07:22,143 Then what am I going to do? 172 00:07:22,241 --> 00:07:25,686 The only thing you can do-- tell Robin she can't come. 173 00:07:29,906 --> 00:07:30,982 Just a second! 174 00:07:33,672 --> 00:07:34,953 - Hey! - Hey. Listen... 175 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:38,819 Wait, two things. First of all... I have been laying groundwork all afternoon. 176 00:07:38,911 --> 00:07:42,108 Totally subtle, totally cool, not pushing, not even nudging, just: 177 00:07:42,208 --> 00:07:44,468 the theme of today is, "Ted rocks." 178 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:46,314 And she's picking up what I'm laying down. 179 00:07:46,410 --> 00:07:47,565 - Lily, there's a problem... - Wait, no. 180 00:07:47,603 --> 00:07:49,641 Thing number two: the dress. 181 00:07:49,846 --> 00:07:51,205 We got a dress. 182 00:07:53,990 --> 00:07:54,693 Go. 183 00:07:56,316 --> 00:07:57,166 Well? 184 00:07:57,786 --> 00:08:01,981 Did I bring it, or... did I bring it? 185 00:08:02,089 --> 00:08:03,484 I think I brought it. 186 00:08:04,909 --> 00:08:06,016 Wow. 187 00:08:06,265 --> 00:08:08,217 That's what I was going for. 188 00:08:08,716 --> 00:08:11,582 I'm so excited about tomorrow. We're going to have so much fun. 189 00:08:11,715 --> 00:08:13,407 Yeah, about that... 190 00:08:15,576 --> 00:08:17,423 I'll pick you up at 5:00. 191 00:08:21,484 --> 00:08:23,828 So? The dress? 192 00:08:24,035 --> 00:08:25,843 I don't have a plus one for the wedding. 193 00:08:25,955 --> 00:08:26,639 What? 194 00:08:26,749 --> 00:08:29,929 I ran into Claudia, and she told me I didn't check "plus one" on the reply card. 195 00:08:30,031 --> 00:08:32,675 - Why didn't you check "plus..."? - I did check "plus one." 196 00:08:32,851 --> 00:08:35,160 - But Robin is so excited. - I know. 197 00:08:35,268 --> 00:08:37,531 - And the dress! - I know. 198 00:08:38,287 --> 00:08:40,271 Okay, okay. Well, we'll sneak her in. 199 00:08:40,405 --> 00:08:42,790 We can't sneak her in, we're not Ninjas. 200 00:08:42,979 --> 00:08:45,271 - Oh, I wish we were Ninjas. - I know. 201 00:08:46,879 --> 00:08:48,521 You could always ask Stuart. 202 00:08:48,677 --> 00:08:49,543 Can I do that? 203 00:08:49,646 --> 00:08:50,515 Well, sure. 204 00:08:50,610 --> 00:08:52,850 You guys have been friends for a long time. 205 00:08:53,089 --> 00:08:55,347 And it's 40% his wedding, too. 206 00:08:56,515 --> 00:08:58,698 I don't know... it's going to be a tough sell. 207 00:08:58,793 --> 00:09:00,696 Dude, no problem whatsoever. 208 00:09:00,878 --> 00:09:01,414 Really? 209 00:09:01,526 --> 00:09:03,147 Sure, the more, the merrier. 210 00:09:03,249 --> 00:09:05,716 Wow! Wow, thanks for being so cool about this, 211 00:09:05,821 --> 00:09:07,135 'cause you know, Claudia said... 212 00:09:07,231 --> 00:09:08,748 Yeah, yeah, yeah. This morning at the rehearsal, 213 00:09:08,845 --> 00:09:12,014 Claudia called our seven-year-old flower girl a whore. 214 00:09:12,484 --> 00:09:14,995 So, don't take it personally, she's just a little stressed. 215 00:09:15,148 --> 00:09:16,750 Yeah, she's not usually like that. 216 00:09:16,870 --> 00:09:17,809 No. 217 00:09:20,377 --> 00:09:21,896 Well, thanks, Stu! 218 00:09:22,044 --> 00:09:24,060 It's going to be a great wedding. 219 00:09:26,739 --> 00:09:29,350 Honey, this magazine says more and more couples are opting 220 00:09:29,441 --> 00:09:31,981 to have non-traditional weddings out in the woods. 221 00:09:32,154 --> 00:09:34,859 Well, if a magazine says so, we should go get married in the woods, 222 00:09:34,959 --> 00:09:36,682 like a couple of squirrels. 223 00:09:37,162 --> 00:09:39,421 Squirrels don't get married, Marshall. 224 00:09:39,992 --> 00:09:42,182 Like you could possibly know that. 225 00:09:43,185 --> 00:09:46,142 I did it. I did it-- I'm taking her to the wedding. 226 00:09:46,251 --> 00:09:47,034 Nice! 227 00:09:47,123 --> 00:09:47,911 What? How? 228 00:09:48,012 --> 00:09:49,138 I talked to Stuart. 229 00:09:50,093 --> 00:09:51,633 You went around the bride. 230 00:09:51,828 --> 00:09:54,258 "Oh, this hornets' nest looks harmless. 231 00:09:54,354 --> 00:09:56,479 Maybe I'll poke it with a stick. 232 00:09:56,598 --> 00:09:59,532 Oh, look, some Gremlins. Let me go feed them after midnight!" 233 00:09:59,621 --> 00:10:01,025 Did you know about this? 234 00:10:01,652 --> 00:10:03,794 It may have been my idea. 235 00:10:04,308 --> 00:10:05,272 What? 236 00:10:05,516 --> 00:10:07,281 Stuart doesn't get a say? 237 00:10:07,420 --> 00:10:10,514 Ah! So you admit it-- the groom should have an equal say. 238 00:10:10,643 --> 00:10:14,033 Well, yeah, sure, on the stupid stuff, like who comes. 239 00:10:14,515 --> 00:10:16,212 So I can invite whoever I want? 240 00:10:16,293 --> 00:10:18,604 Sure, there's plenty of room in the woods. 241 00:10:21,846 --> 00:10:22,909 It's Claudia. 242 00:10:23,579 --> 00:10:24,678 So it begins. 243 00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:27,318 Come on, it can't be that bad. 244 00:10:28,152 --> 00:10:29,584 Here, Lily, you answer it. 245 00:10:29,809 --> 00:10:30,702 What? Why? 246 00:10:30,821 --> 00:10:32,343 Because this whole thing was your idea. 247 00:10:32,449 --> 00:10:33,556 And... Claudia scares me. 248 00:10:33,653 --> 00:10:35,732 But... but you're the... But I just want to... 249 00:10:37,405 --> 00:10:38,414 Ted's phone. 250 00:10:38,937 --> 00:10:40,373 Oh, hi, Claudia. 251 00:10:41,359 --> 00:10:42,186 What? 252 00:10:42,407 --> 00:10:46,563 Now I wasn't there, but from what I heard, it went something like this... 253 00:10:46,824 --> 00:10:48,665 Oh, by the way, honey, Ted stopped by and I told him 254 00:10:48,751 --> 00:10:50,407 he could bring his date to the wedding. 255 00:10:50,917 --> 00:10:52,001 You what? 256 00:10:55,241 --> 00:10:57,769 ...always undermining me at every turn... 257 00:11:00,589 --> 00:11:03,006 ...try to show a little flexibility, but no! 258 00:11:03,151 --> 00:11:04,489 It's all about you! 259 00:11:07,561 --> 00:11:09,313 ...and your mother... 260 00:11:12,662 --> 00:11:13,739 You know what? 261 00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:15,190 The wedding's off! 262 00:11:18,346 --> 00:11:19,803 They broke up! 263 00:11:19,962 --> 00:11:20,881 O w! 264 00:11:22,910 --> 00:11:24,486 It's not because of me, is it? 265 00:11:24,999 --> 00:11:28,374 And my dad already paid for this huge wedding! 266 00:11:28,409 --> 00:11:30,309 Oh, he's going to kill me! 267 00:11:30,509 --> 00:11:32,188 And then he's gonna kill Ted! 268 00:11:32,347 --> 00:11:34,242 Then I'm gonna kill Ted. 269 00:11:34,453 --> 00:11:35,407 It's Robin. 270 00:11:35,516 --> 00:11:36,560 Answer it! 271 00:11:36,928 --> 00:11:38,003 Uh, Lily's phone. 272 00:11:38,106 --> 00:11:41,998 Ted, where's Lily? I need to tell her about these awesome shoes I just bought. 273 00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:44,000 Uh, Lily's busy. 274 00:11:44,119 --> 00:11:48,187 Oh, okay, well, I just wanted to say they're gorgeous and Ted's going to love them. 275 00:11:48,286 --> 00:11:50,468 That's great, I'll tell Lily to tell me. 276 00:11:50,579 --> 00:11:53,692 Uh, listen, I really want to keep talking, um, but now's not a good time, 277 00:11:53,779 --> 00:11:56,104 so I'm really excited about tomorrow, okay, bye. 278 00:11:56,109 --> 00:11:56,733 Okay, bye. 279 00:11:56,818 --> 00:12:00,797 Crap, she bought some expensive shoes. She's really looking forward to this. 280 00:12:01,210 --> 00:12:02,853 - Do you think she's into me? - Ted, focus! 281 00:12:03,395 --> 00:12:06,260 Okay, okay, sweetie, just calm down. 282 00:12:06,362 --> 00:12:07,923 Do you want to go somewhere and talk? 283 00:12:08,043 --> 00:12:10,119 I want to go somewhere and drink! 284 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:13,073 Okay, meet me at MacLaren's. I'll see you there. 285 00:12:14,087 --> 00:12:15,189 Oh, I feel terrible. 286 00:12:15,294 --> 00:12:17,665 Well, feel terrible later. Right now, we gotta fix this. 287 00:12:17,753 --> 00:12:19,460 Lily, you go down to the bar and comfort Claudia. 288 00:12:19,546 --> 00:12:22,130 Ted and I will go and try to talk some sense into Stuart. 289 00:12:22,252 --> 00:12:23,904 Um, tell Claudia I'm sorry. 290 00:12:23,995 --> 00:12:25,120 Did she seem pissed at me? 291 00:12:25,277 --> 00:12:29,781 She said if there's no wedding tomorrow, you owe her father $400,000. 292 00:12:30,718 --> 00:12:33,112 What say we get these crazy kids back together? 293 00:12:38,351 --> 00:12:39,885 Hi, sad eyes. 294 00:12:40,543 --> 00:12:41,807 What's got you down? 295 00:12:43,475 --> 00:12:46,311 Stuart and I just broke up. 296 00:12:46,676 --> 00:12:50,857 Oh, God, I'm so sorry. That's just, that's... 297 00:12:50,970 --> 00:12:52,658 Two vodka cranberries, please. 298 00:12:53,434 --> 00:12:56,254 You remembered I drink vodka cranberries. 299 00:12:56,367 --> 00:12:57,586 Remember? 300 00:12:57,969 --> 00:13:00,283 When it comes to you, how can I forget? 301 00:13:02,925 --> 00:13:04,780 They all drink vodka cranberries. 302 00:13:06,276 --> 00:13:10,546 So... is there anything else you need... sweetie? 303 00:13:11,543 --> 00:13:13,748 You got $400,000? 304 00:13:13,901 --> 00:13:14,900 No. 305 00:13:15,342 --> 00:13:17,052 But I do have a hug. 306 00:13:22,620 --> 00:13:23,762 Thank you. 307 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,843 Stuart, I-I don't know what to say. If I caused this in any way... 308 00:13:29,950 --> 00:13:32,632 Ted, for all I know, you did me the biggest favor anyone's ever done me. 309 00:13:32,734 --> 00:13:34,457 Oh, come on, man, you don't mean that. 310 00:13:34,578 --> 00:13:37,876 No, I do-- this whole thing has made me realize I miss being single. 311 00:13:37,974 --> 00:13:41,155 I miss staying out late, and making messes and not cleaning them up. 312 00:13:41,268 --> 00:13:42,635 I miss owning porn. 313 00:13:42,997 --> 00:13:44,309 Dude, who doesn't? 314 00:13:44,641 --> 00:13:47,584 And you know, I'll see some super-hot model chick, and I'll think, 315 00:13:47,695 --> 00:13:50,400 "Why am I with Claudia? I could be with her." 316 00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:51,918 That's just crazy! 317 00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:55,849 I mean... you're the luckiest... You and Claudia both... 318 00:13:55,959 --> 00:13:58,450 The point is I want to get married. I want to settle down, 319 00:13:58,538 --> 00:14:00,251 but right now, that's just not who I am. 320 00:14:00,338 --> 00:14:02,336 I'm not a commitment guy; I'm a single guy. 321 00:14:02,476 --> 00:14:05,023 Stuart, you don't have to be one or the other. 322 00:14:05,264 --> 00:14:07,594 Everybody feels this way sometimes. 323 00:14:07,725 --> 00:14:09,948 Relationships aren't easy; they're hard work. 324 00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:13,524 It's about compromise, growing together, all that Dr. Phil crap. 325 00:14:13,618 --> 00:14:15,153 How would you know? You're not even married. 326 00:14:15,325 --> 00:14:18,398 Okay, ask this guy. Nine years he's been with Lily. 327 00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:20,141 He's the pro-- this guy knows relationships. 328 00:14:20,236 --> 00:14:21,230 Tell him, Marshall. 329 00:14:22,895 --> 00:14:24,246 Stuart, don't get married. 330 00:14:24,393 --> 00:14:25,365 - Dude... - What? 331 00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:26,521 Look, I'm sorry. 332 00:14:26,997 --> 00:14:31,838 Being in a couple is hard. And committing, making sacrifices, it's hard. 333 00:14:31,947 --> 00:14:34,633 But if it's the right person, then it's easy. 334 00:14:34,837 --> 00:14:37,262 Looking at that girl and knowing she's all you really want out of life, 335 00:14:37,357 --> 00:14:40,592 that should be the easiest thing in the world, and if it's not like that, 336 00:14:41,096 --> 00:14:44,163 then she's not the one. I'm sorry. 337 00:14:48,825 --> 00:14:51,079 You know I don't have $400,000, right? 338 00:14:52,869 --> 00:14:55,488 Maybe we got together too young. 339 00:14:55,645 --> 00:14:58,021 Maybe that's what the problem was. 340 00:14:58,187 --> 00:15:01,809 I mean, I'm 28 years old, 341 00:15:01,931 --> 00:15:05,472 and I've really only ever been with one man. 342 00:15:06,583 --> 00:15:09,548 That's just, that's... 343 00:15:09,673 --> 00:15:12,562 Two more vodka cranberries, please! 344 00:15:14,196 --> 00:15:17,999 Claudia... it's all gonna be okay. 345 00:15:18,429 --> 00:15:22,038 Oh, thanks for listening, Barney. 346 00:15:22,192 --> 00:15:24,484 It really means a lot to me. 347 00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:29,289 Isn't it weird that we should... run into each other like this? 348 00:15:29,746 --> 00:15:34,580 Two souls, of equal levels of attractiveness, 349 00:15:34,848 --> 00:15:40,949 both fitting together like two pieces of a very attractive puzzle. 350 00:15:41,839 --> 00:15:44,974 - Oh, hell, no! - Ow! Ow! Ow! 351 00:15:45,628 --> 00:15:47,991 Claudia is getting married tomorrow, 352 00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:52,422 and so help me God, if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, 353 00:15:52,501 --> 00:15:55,335 I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles, 354 00:15:55,415 --> 00:15:57,956 and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out, 355 00:15:58,055 --> 00:16:00,557 and then I'll feed them to you like grapes! 356 00:16:01,138 --> 00:16:03,074 Wait, my eyes or my testicles? 357 00:16:03,305 --> 00:16:04,448 One of each. 358 00:16:04,551 --> 00:16:06,706 All right! All right! 359 00:16:07,061 --> 00:16:08,000 Claudia? 360 00:16:08,899 --> 00:16:10,114 Stuart. 361 00:16:10,256 --> 00:16:11,324 I'm so sorry. 362 00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:12,742 I'm so sorry, too. 363 00:16:12,851 --> 00:16:13,828 I love you. 364 00:16:13,926 --> 00:16:15,367 I love you too, babe. 365 00:16:15,670 --> 00:16:17,209 Marshall and Ted set me straight. 366 00:16:17,326 --> 00:16:20,259 And when Marshall told me not to marry you, it made me realize I... 367 00:16:20,373 --> 00:16:21,141 Marshall said what?! 368 00:16:21,250 --> 00:16:23,115 It's more complicated than that! 369 00:16:23,202 --> 00:16:24,669 He made me realize how much I love you. 370 00:16:24,756 --> 00:16:26,427 These guys got us back together. 371 00:16:26,659 --> 00:16:28,017 Okay, I'm cool, I'm cool. 372 00:16:42,907 --> 00:16:45,424 So where did we land on the whole plus one thing? 373 00:16:47,057 --> 00:16:48,703 No, no, no, no! 374 00:16:48,755 --> 00:16:51,931 It took three more vodka cranberries to subdue Claudia, 375 00:16:52,357 --> 00:16:55,792 but, eventually, she graciously agreed to let me bring Robin. 376 00:16:58,786 --> 00:17:00,209 Still wow. 377 00:17:00,709 --> 00:17:03,179 Wow yourself. Look who else brought it. 378 00:17:03,303 --> 00:17:06,342 Oh, yeah. I thought about leaving it at home, 379 00:17:06,461 --> 00:17:08,805 but I figured I don't want to get there and realize I need it 380 00:17:08,887 --> 00:17:12,759 and have to go all the way back to get it. So, yeah, I brought it. 381 00:17:13,843 --> 00:17:14,946 Oh, sorry. 382 00:17:18,172 --> 00:17:19,248 Hello? 383 00:17:21,099 --> 00:17:22,507 Oh, my God. Tonight? 384 00:17:22,624 --> 00:17:23,713 You're kidding. 385 00:17:23,858 --> 00:17:25,748 They want me to anchor the news tonight. 386 00:17:26,338 --> 00:17:27,391 Really? 387 00:17:27,636 --> 00:17:29,902 Like anchor anchor? 388 00:17:31,195 --> 00:17:33,309 What happened to Sandy? 389 00:17:33,572 --> 00:17:34,707 Okay. 390 00:17:35,128 --> 00:17:37,548 Okay. Sure. What time do you need me to... 391 00:17:37,651 --> 00:17:39,851 Right now?! Oh. 392 00:17:40,994 --> 00:17:41,991 Do it. 393 00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:45,181 Do it. 394 00:17:47,266 --> 00:17:52,206 Okay, I need like five minutes to change, and, um, I'll call you from the cab... 395 00:18:02,023 --> 00:18:03,167 So admit it. 396 00:18:03,523 --> 00:18:06,959 This wedding is both indoors and amazing. 397 00:18:07,115 --> 00:18:09,999 I'll give you the crab puffs. The crab puffs are good. 398 00:18:10,134 --> 00:18:11,209 The crab puffs were incredible. 399 00:18:11,325 --> 00:18:12,999 We should totally have them at our wedding. 400 00:18:13,101 --> 00:18:14,046 Definitely... 401 00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:17,424 Hey. We just agreed on something. 402 00:18:17,541 --> 00:18:20,234 Did we just start planning our wedding? 403 00:18:20,328 --> 00:18:21,556 I think that we did. 404 00:18:24,249 --> 00:18:26,566 We totally have to get that brown dipping sauce. 405 00:18:26,645 --> 00:18:29,258 Ooh, I thought the red sauce was, like, awesome. 406 00:18:29,377 --> 00:18:32,401 My God, were you born without taste buds? 407 00:18:33,428 --> 00:18:34,593 What? 408 00:18:35,583 --> 00:18:36,576 I love you. 409 00:18:43,312 --> 00:18:46,137 Coming up, are there snakes living in your walls? 410 00:18:46,242 --> 00:18:49,292 The answer may surprise you... after the break. 411 00:18:56,626 --> 00:18:59,519 Man, you know something? Stuart's my new hero. 412 00:18:59,633 --> 00:19:01,590 If that dude can bag a nine, 413 00:19:01,750 --> 00:19:04,432 I got to be able to bag, like, a 16. 414 00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:05,759 What's a 16? 415 00:19:06,128 --> 00:19:07,766 Those two eights right over there. 416 00:19:08,820 --> 00:19:09,693 Yeah. 417 00:19:10,901 --> 00:19:11,904 Hi, Ted. 418 00:19:12,031 --> 00:19:12,949 Claudia. 419 00:19:13,083 --> 00:19:17,312 We just wanted to get a picture with the woman who almost ended our relationship. 420 00:19:17,415 --> 00:19:18,603 Yeah, where is she? 421 00:19:18,790 --> 00:19:22,479 Um... she couldn't make it. 422 00:19:24,988 --> 00:19:26,562 What's so funny? 423 00:19:26,661 --> 00:19:29,149 Oh, plan a wedding. You'll see. 424 00:19:33,833 --> 00:19:34,885 Look at that. 425 00:19:35,511 --> 00:19:37,797 That's how it's supposed to be. That right there. 426 00:19:38,238 --> 00:19:39,943 Easy, simple. 427 00:19:40,540 --> 00:19:42,601 It's just not like that with Robin. 428 00:19:43,208 --> 00:19:48,732 It's not easy, and on some level, it has to just be easy. 429 00:19:49,380 --> 00:19:54,241 Speaking of easy... bridesmaids, Ted. Bridesmaids. 430 00:19:54,371 --> 00:19:56,496 By the way, I almost forgot. 431 00:19:56,648 --> 00:19:58,173 We found this. 432 00:20:03,420 --> 00:20:05,300 I didn't check "plus one." 433 00:20:05,750 --> 00:20:06,827 You were right. 434 00:20:06,926 --> 00:20:08,394 Of course, I was right. 435 00:20:10,118 --> 00:20:11,315 I'm single. 436 00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:13,935 Maybe that's just who I am. 437 00:20:14,058 --> 00:20:16,254 And you know what? I like being single. 438 00:20:16,369 --> 00:20:17,130 Being single's the best. 439 00:20:17,241 --> 00:20:19,023 Yeah, stay out as late as you want. 440 00:20:19,113 --> 00:20:19,946 Answer to no one. 441 00:20:20,034 --> 00:20:22,550 The whole world full of endless possibilities. 442 00:20:22,662 --> 00:20:24,863 Never having to go to a farmer's market. 443 00:20:29,658 --> 00:20:32,087 Okay. Ah... doing some math here. 444 00:20:32,461 --> 00:20:36,116 Table six has got three bridesmaids: an eight, an eight, and a seven. 445 00:20:36,527 --> 00:20:41,307 I am willing to give you one of the eights, lowering myself to a 15, 446 00:20:41,410 --> 00:20:43,556 which means you owe me... 447 00:20:43,762 --> 00:20:48,765 So there we were, two single guys, doing our usual single-guy thing. 448 00:20:48,993 --> 00:20:53,408 For whatever reason, I had let myself believe that this night would be a turning point, 449 00:20:53,518 --> 00:20:57,869 that this was the night my life-- my real life-- would finally begin. 450 00:20:58,322 --> 00:20:59,785 The funny thing is... 451 00:21:00,041 --> 00:21:01,760 I wasn't totally wrong. 452 00:21:08,788 --> 00:21:11,961 Because that night was just beginning.