How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 1

Subtitles
​1 00:00:02,943 --> 00:00:06,283 Kids, I'm gonna tell you an incredible story ; 2 00:00:06,283 --> 00:00:08,650 the story of how I met your mother. 3 00:00:08,650 --> 00:00:11,047 Are we being punished for something ? 4 00:00:11,047 --> 00:00:11,696 maya. 5 00:00:11,696 --> 00:00:13,671 Yeah, is this gonna take a while ? 6 00:00:13,671 --> 00:00:17,745 Yes. 25 years ago, before I was Dad, 7 00:00:17,745 --> 00:00:19,977 I had this whole other life. 8 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:25,959 It was way back in 2005. 9 00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:28,878 I was 27, just starting to make it as an architect 10 00:00:28,878 --> 00:00:31,913 and living in New York with Marshall,  my best friend from college. 11 00:00:31,913 --> 00:00:33,196 My life was good. 12 00:00:33,196 --> 00:00:36,127 And then Uncle Marshall went and screwed the whole thing up. 13 00:00:37,097 --> 00:00:38,851 Will you marry me ? 14 00:00:39,652 --> 00:00:40,762 Yes. Perfect ! 15 00:00:40,762 --> 00:00:42,930 And then you're engaged. You pop the champagne. 16 00:00:42,930 --> 00:00:43,715 You drink a toast. 17 00:00:43,715 --> 00:00:45,638 You have sex on the kitchen floor. 18 00:00:45,638 --> 00:00:47,535 Don't have sex on our kitchen floor. 19 00:00:47,535 --> 00:00:48,271 Got it. 20 00:00:48,271 --> 00:00:49,817 Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted. 21 00:00:49,817 --> 00:00:52,246 Dude, are you kidding ? It's you and Lilly. 22 00:00:52,246 --> 00:00:54,834 I've been there for all the big moments of you and Lilly : 23 00:00:54,834 --> 00:00:59,503 night you met, your first date, other first things. 24 00:00:59,503 --> 00:01:02,440 Yeah, sorry. We thought you were asleep. 25 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:03,546 It's physics, Marshall. 26 00:01:03,546 --> 00:01:06,421 If the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves, too. 27 00:01:07,791 --> 00:01:09,122 My God. 28 00:01:09,983 --> 00:01:11,986 You're getting engaged tonight. 29 00:01:12,827 --> 00:01:15,649 Yeah. What are you doin' tonight ? 30 00:01:16,130 --> 00:01:17,646 What was I doing ? 31 00:01:17,646 --> 00:01:20,340 Here Uncle Marshall was taking the biggest step of his life. 32 00:01:20,340 --> 00:01:21,251 And me ? 33 00:01:21,251 --> 00:01:23,304 I'm calling up your Uncle Barney. 34 00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:26,743 Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian girls ? 35 00:01:27,981 --> 00:01:32,089 Well, now I've got a new favorite... Lebanese girls. 36 00:01:32,089 --> 00:01:34,376 Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians. 37 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:36,430 Hey, you want to do somethin' tonight ? 38 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:39,683 Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up ! 39 00:01:43,666 --> 00:01:44,913 Where's your suit ? 40 00:01:44,913 --> 00:01:47,662 Just once, when I say suit up, I wish you'd put on a suit. 41 00:01:47,662 --> 00:01:49,499 I did that one time. 42 00:01:49,499 --> 00:01:51,752 It was a blazer ! 43 00:01:52,704 --> 00:01:56,220 You know, ever since college it's been, Marshall and Lilly and me. 44 00:01:56,434 --> 00:01:59,193 Now, it's gonna be Marshall and Lilly... and me. 45 00:01:59,193 --> 00:02:00,925 They'll get married, start a family. 46 00:02:00,925 --> 00:02:05,757 Before long, I'm that weird, middle-aged bachelor their kids call Uncle Ted. 47 00:02:07,858 --> 00:02:09,339 I see what this is about. 48 00:02:09,339 --> 00:02:11,773 Have you forgotten what I said to you the night we met ? 49 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,618 Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live. 50 00:02:17,348 --> 00:02:19,340 Barney. We met at the urinal. 51 00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:20,766 Oh, right. Right. 52 00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:22,859 Lesson one : lose the goatee. 53 00:02:22,859 --> 00:02:24,071 It doesn't go with your suit. 54 00:02:24,071 --> 00:02:26,890 - I'm not wearing a suit. - Lesson two : get a suit. 55 00:02:26,890 --> 00:02:28,792 Suits are cool. Exhibit "A." 56 00:02:29,472 --> 00:02:34,040 Lesson three : don't even think about getting married till you're 30. 57 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:36,417 30. Right. You're right. 58 00:02:36,417 --> 00:02:38,315 I guess it's just, your best friend gets engaged, 59 00:02:38,315 --> 00:02:39,628 you start thinking about that stuff. 60 00:02:39,628 --> 00:02:41,379 I thought I was your best friend. 61 00:02:41,779 --> 00:02:44,853 Ted, say I'm your best friend. 62 00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:46,965 You're my best friend, Barney. 63 00:02:46,965 --> 00:02:47,874 Good. Then, as your best friend, 64 00:02:47,874 --> 00:02:49,767 I suggest we play a little game I like to call 65 00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:51,935 - "Have you met Ted ?" - Wait. No, no, no. 66 00:02:51,935 --> 00:02:53,091 We're not playing "Have you met Ted ?" 67 00:02:53,091 --> 00:02:54,557 Hi, have you met Ted ? 68 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,780 Hi, I'm Ted. 69 00:02:57,780 --> 00:02:58,705 Yasmine. 70 00:02:58,705 --> 00:03:00,036 That's a very pretty name. 71 00:03:00,036 --> 00:03:01,928 Thanks. It's Lebanese. 72 00:03:07,419 --> 00:03:08,856 I'm exhausted. 73 00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,559 It was finger-painting day at school, 74 00:03:10,559 --> 00:03:14,441 and a five year-old boy got to second base with me. 75 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:17,539 Wow ! You're cooking ? 76 00:03:17,539 --> 00:03:19,272 Yes, I am. 77 00:03:19,272 --> 00:03:20,424 Aw... 78 00:03:21,756 --> 00:03:23,093 Are you sure that's a good idea ? 79 00:03:23,093 --> 00:03:26,319 After last time, you looked really creepy without eyebrows. 80 00:03:26,910 --> 00:03:27,735 I can handle this. 81 00:03:27,735 --> 00:03:30,109 I think you'll find I'm full of surprises tonight. 82 00:03:30,109 --> 00:03:32,538 So, there's more surprises ? Like what ? 83 00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:34,679 Marshall was in his second year of law school, 84 00:03:34,679 --> 00:03:37,161 so he was pretty good at thinking on his feet. 85 00:03:37,161 --> 00:03:38,520 Boogedyboo ! 86 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,351 And that's all of 'em. 87 00:03:42,157 --> 00:03:44,069 I'm gonna go... cook. 88 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:46,586 I'm so happy for Marshall, I really am. 89 00:03:46,586 --> 00:03:48,863 I just couldn't imagine settling down right now. 90 00:03:48,863 --> 00:03:50,515 So, do you think you'll ever get married ? 91 00:03:50,900 --> 00:03:52,452 Well, maybe eventually... 92 00:03:52,658 --> 00:03:55,707 some fall day, possibly in Central Park. 93 00:03:56,350 --> 00:03:58,438 Simple ceremony. We'll write our own vows. 94 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,620 Band, no DJ. People will dance ! 95 00:04:00,620 --> 00:04:02,373 I'm not gonna worry about it ! 96 00:04:03,442 --> 00:04:05,870 Damn it, why did Marshall have to get engaged ? 97 00:04:06,581 --> 00:04:09,970 Yeah, nothing hotter than a guy planning out his own imaginary wedding, huh ? 98 00:04:09,970 --> 00:04:13,640 - Actually, I think it's cute. - Well, you're clearly drunk. 99 00:04:14,035 --> 00:04:15,576 One more for the lady ! 100 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,355 Oh, hey, look what I got. 101 00:04:22,341 --> 00:04:25,490 Oh, honey ! Champagne. 102 00:04:26,737 --> 00:04:27,626 Yeah. 103 00:04:29,118 --> 00:04:33,144 No. You are too old to be scared to open a bottle of champagne. 104 00:04:33,144 --> 00:04:34,862 - I'm not scared. - Then open it. 105 00:04:34,862 --> 00:04:35,952 Fine. 106 00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:38,831 Please open it ? 107 00:04:39,301 --> 00:04:41,148 You are unbelievable, Marshall. 108 00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:43,772 There are two big questions a man has to ask in life. 109 00:04:43,772 --> 00:04:45,554 One, you plan out for months. 110 00:04:45,554 --> 00:04:48,528 The other just slips out when you're half drunk at some bar. 111 00:04:48,528 --> 00:04:49,920 Will you marry me ? 112 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:51,333 You wanna go out sometime ? 113 00:04:52,043 --> 00:04:54,025 Of course, you idiot ! 114 00:04:55,067 --> 00:04:57,836 I'm sorry, Carl's my boyfriend. 115 00:05:00,317 --> 00:05:01,529 'Sup, Carl ? 116 00:05:05,801 --> 00:05:07,934 I promised Ted we wouldn't do that. 117 00:05:08,963 --> 00:05:11,721 Did you know there's a Pop Tart under your fridge ? 118 00:05:11,721 --> 00:05:13,384 No, but dibs. 119 00:05:14,355 --> 00:05:16,037 Where's that champagne ? 120 00:05:16,758 --> 00:05:20,219 I wanna drink a toast with my fiancée. 121 00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:25,138 I don't know why I was so scared of this. 122 00:05:25,568 --> 00:05:27,150 It's pretty easy, right ? 123 00:05:29,839 --> 00:05:31,487 Why am I freaking out all of a sudden ? 124 00:05:31,487 --> 00:05:33,865 This is crazy. I'm not ready to settle down. 125 00:05:33,865 --> 00:05:36,409 How does Carl land a Lebanese girl ? 126 00:05:36,950 --> 00:05:39,645 The plan has always been don't even think about it until you're 30. 127 00:05:39,645 --> 00:05:41,880 Exactly. The guy doesn't even own a suit. 128 00:05:42,450 --> 00:05:44,429 Plus, Marshall's found the love of his life. 129 00:05:44,429 --> 00:05:46,592 Even if I was ready, which I'm not... 130 00:05:46,592 --> 00:05:51,278 but if I was, it's, like, "Okay, I'm ready. Where is she ?" 131 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:57,499 And there she was. 132 00:06:04,571 --> 00:06:06,454 It was like something from an old movie, 133 00:06:06,454 --> 00:06:09,845 where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, 134 00:06:09,845 --> 00:06:12,789 turns to his buddy and says, "See that girl ? 135 00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:14,932 I'm gonna marry her someday." 136 00:06:15,286 --> 00:06:17,866 Hey, Barney, see that girl ? 137 00:06:17,866 --> 00:06:20,777 Oh, yeah. You just know she likes it dirty. 138 00:06:21,450 --> 00:06:22,425 Go say hi. 139 00:06:22,935 --> 00:06:24,377 I can't just go say hi. 140 00:06:24,377 --> 00:06:25,648 I need a plan. 141 00:06:25,648 --> 00:06:27,784 I'm gonna wait until she goes to the bathroom, 142 00:06:27,784 --> 00:06:29,820 then I'll strategically place myself by the jukebox... 143 00:06:29,820 --> 00:06:31,291 Hi, have you met Ted ? 144 00:06:35,366 --> 00:06:38,230 Let me guess... Ted. 145 00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:43,319 Sorry, Lilly. I'm so sorry. 146 00:06:43,319 --> 00:06:45,613 - Take us to the hospital. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 147 00:06:45,613 --> 00:06:46,935 Did you hit her ? 148 00:06:48,616 --> 00:06:50,278 Hit me ? Please ! 149 00:06:50,278 --> 00:06:53,323 This guy can barely even spank me in bed for fun. 150 00:06:53,323 --> 00:06:56,003 He's all like, "Oh, honey. Did that hurt ?" 151 00:06:56,003 --> 00:06:58,798 And, I'm like, "Come on ! Let me have it, you pansy !" 152 00:06:59,838 --> 00:07:02,438 - Wow, a complete stranger. - No, no, no, no ! It's okay. 153 00:07:02,438 --> 00:07:03,348 Go on. 154 00:07:03,809 --> 00:07:05,507 So, these, uh, spankings... 155 00:07:05,507 --> 00:07:08,502 you in pajamas or au naturel ? 156 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:10,946 So, what do you do ? 157 00:07:10,946 --> 00:07:13,120 I'm a reporter for Metro News One. 158 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:15,395 Well, kind of a reporter. 159 00:07:15,395 --> 00:07:17,864 I do those dumb little fluff pieces at the end of the news. 160 00:07:17,864 --> 00:07:19,357 You know, like, um... 161 00:07:19,938 --> 00:07:21,982 monkey who can play the ukulele. 162 00:07:22,077 --> 00:07:24,172 I'm hoping to get some bigger stories soon. 163 00:07:24,172 --> 00:07:26,978 Bigger, like, uh... gorilla with an upright bass ? 164 00:07:27,759 --> 00:07:29,422 Sorry. You're really pretty. 165 00:07:33,450 --> 00:07:35,128 Oh, your friends don't seem to happy. 166 00:07:35,128 --> 00:07:37,387 Yeah, see, the one in the middle just got dumped by her boyfriend. 167 00:07:37,387 --> 00:07:40,001 So, tonight, every guy is "the enemy." 168 00:07:40,355 --> 00:07:41,542 You know if it'll make your friend feel better, 169 00:07:41,542 --> 00:07:43,765 you could throw a drink in my face. I don't mind. 170 00:07:44,159 --> 00:07:45,777 She would love that ! 171 00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:48,219 And it does look fun in the movies. 172 00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:50,502 Hey, you wanna have dinner with me Saturday night ? 173 00:07:50,502 --> 00:07:51,763 Oh, I can't. 174 00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:53,876 I'm going to Orlando for a week on Friday. 175 00:07:53,876 --> 00:07:56,339 Some guy's attempting to make the world's biggest pancake. 176 00:07:56,339 --> 00:07:57,903 Guess who's covering it ? 177 00:07:57,903 --> 00:07:59,044 That's gonna take a week ? 178 00:07:59,044 --> 00:08:01,081 Yeah, he's gonna eat it, too. It's another record. 179 00:08:01,465 --> 00:08:03,659 Hey ! What's takin' so long ? 180 00:08:04,495 --> 00:08:07,380 Uh, I know this is a long shot, but how 'bout tomorrow night ? 181 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,324 Yeah. What the hell ? 182 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:17,856 Jerk ! 183 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,167 That was fun. 184 00:08:21,478 --> 00:08:24,327 De... wait for it... nied ! 185 00:08:24,327 --> 00:08:25,799 Denied ! 186 00:08:26,243 --> 00:08:27,571 We're goin' out tomorrow night. 187 00:08:27,571 --> 00:08:30,085 I thought we were playin' laser tag tomorrow night. 188 00:08:30,085 --> 00:08:32,679 Yeah, I was never gonna go play laser tag. 189 00:08:35,900 --> 00:08:39,342 The next night, I took her out to this little bistro in Brooklyn. 190 00:08:40,774 --> 00:08:43,103 That is one badass blue French horn. 191 00:08:43,103 --> 00:08:43,758 Yeah. 192 00:08:44,109 --> 00:08:46,573 Sort of looks like a Smurf penis. 193 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:49,318 Son, a piece of advice : 194 00:08:49,318 --> 00:08:52,935 when you go on a first date, you really don't wanna say "Smurf penis." 195 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,484 Girls don't ordinarily like that. 196 00:08:56,907 --> 00:09:00,077 But this was no ordinary girl. 197 00:09:03,951 --> 00:09:04,709 Lilly ? 198 00:09:06,353 --> 00:09:08,537 How long have you been sitting there ? 199 00:09:08,537 --> 00:09:10,534 Stupid eye patch. 200 00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:17,360 Mom, Dad, I have found the future Mrs. Ted Mosby. 201 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:19,749 Marshall, how have I always described my perfect woman ? 202 00:09:19,749 --> 00:09:22,633 Now, let's see... she likes dogs ? 203 00:09:22,633 --> 00:09:24,175 I've got five dogs. 204 00:09:24,175 --> 00:09:25,110 She drinks scotch ? 205 00:09:25,110 --> 00:09:28,127 I love a scotch that's old enough to order its own scotch. 206 00:09:28,127 --> 00:09:30,220 Can quote obscure lines from Ghostbusters ? 207 00:09:30,220 --> 00:09:34,118 Ray ! When someone asks you if you're a god, you say "Yes !" 208 00:09:35,299 --> 00:09:37,532 And I'm saving the best for last. 209 00:09:37,532 --> 00:09:40,096 Do you want these ? I hate olives. 210 00:09:40,096 --> 00:09:42,126 She hates olives ! Awesome ! 211 00:09:42,126 --> 00:09:43,979 The olive theory. 212 00:09:43,979 --> 00:09:46,885 The olive theory is based on my friends Marshall and Lilly. 213 00:09:46,885 --> 00:09:48,648 He hates olives, she loves them. 214 00:09:48,648 --> 00:09:50,592 In a weird way, that's what makes them such a great couple. 215 00:09:50,592 --> 00:09:52,134 Perfect balance. 216 00:09:53,130 --> 00:09:57,238 You know, I've had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever. 217 00:09:58,900 --> 00:10:00,487 I could take 'em off your hands. 218 00:10:01,941 --> 00:10:03,365 They're all yours. 219 00:10:03,761 --> 00:10:05,534 Oh, it is on ! 220 00:10:05,534 --> 00:10:08,324 It is on till the break of dawn. 221 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:10,835 But wait. 222 00:10:10,835 --> 00:10:13,480 It's only the break of 10:30. What happened ? 223 00:10:14,436 --> 00:10:17,702 I gotta get one of those blue French horns for over my fireplace. 224 00:10:17,702 --> 00:10:19,550 It's gotta be blue. It's gotta be French. 225 00:10:19,550 --> 00:10:20,867 - No green clarinet ? - Nope. 226 00:10:20,867 --> 00:10:22,470 Come on. No purple tuba ? 227 00:10:22,470 --> 00:10:24,613 It's a Smurf penis or no dice. 228 00:10:25,941 --> 00:10:26,912 There you are ! 229 00:10:26,912 --> 00:10:28,062 We got a jumper. 230 00:10:28,062 --> 00:10:30,066 Some crazy guy on the Manhattan Bridge. 231 00:10:30,066 --> 00:10:31,679 Come on. You're coverin' it ! 232 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:34,573 Um... all right. I'll be right there. 233 00:10:35,754 --> 00:10:37,010 I'm sorry. 234 00:10:37,891 --> 00:10:39,996 I had a really great time tonight. 235 00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:42,167 Yeah. 236 00:10:42,167 --> 00:10:44,250 So ?! Did you kiss her ? 237 00:10:44,614 --> 00:10:46,522 No. The moment wasn't right. 238 00:10:46,522 --> 00:10:48,870 Look, this woman could actually be my future wife. 239 00:10:48,870 --> 00:10:50,454 I want our first kiss to be amazing. 240 00:10:50,454 --> 00:10:53,293 Aw, Ted, that is so sweet. 241 00:10:53,673 --> 00:10:55,837 So you chickened out like a little bitch. 242 00:10:57,590 --> 00:10:59,713 What ? I did not chicken out. 243 00:10:59,713 --> 00:11:00,376 You know what ? 244 00:11:00,376 --> 00:11:03,126 I don't need to take first kiss advice from some pirate 245 00:11:03,126 --> 00:11:05,254 who hasn't been single since the first week of college. 246 00:11:05,254 --> 00:11:07,945 Anyone who's single would tell you the same thing, 247 00:11:07,945 --> 00:11:10,566 even the dumbest single person alive. 248 00:11:10,566 --> 00:11:13,089 And if you don't believe me, call him. 249 00:11:14,933 --> 00:11:15,729 Hey, loser. 250 00:11:15,729 --> 00:11:16,925 How's not playing laser tag ? 251 00:11:16,925 --> 00:11:19,300 Because playing laser tag is awesome ! 252 00:11:19,859 --> 00:11:22,180 - Oh, I killed you, Conner ! - Don't make me get your mom ! 253 00:11:22,180 --> 00:11:24,350 Hey, listen. I need your opinion on something. 254 00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:25,977 Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. 255 00:11:25,977 --> 00:11:27,109 And suit up ! 256 00:11:28,450 --> 00:11:30,589 So, these guys think I chickened out. 257 00:11:30,589 --> 00:11:31,741 What do you think ? 258 00:11:31,741 --> 00:11:35,710 I can't believe you're still not wearing a suit. 259 00:11:36,831 --> 00:11:38,171 She didn't even give me the signal. 260 00:11:38,171 --> 00:11:41,157 What, is she gonna, she gonna bat her eyes ayou in Morse code ? 261 00:11:41,157 --> 00:11:46,363 "Ted... kiss me." No ! You just kiss her ! 262 00:11:46,363 --> 00:11:48,457 Not if you don't get the signal. 263 00:11:51,571 --> 00:11:53,269 Did Marshall give me the signal ? 264 00:11:53,269 --> 00:11:55,773 No ! I didn't. I swear. 265 00:11:57,711 --> 00:11:58,848 But, see, at least tonight, 266 00:11:58,848 --> 00:12:00,471 I get to sleep knowing Marshall and me, 267 00:12:00,471 --> 00:12:01,286 never gonna happen. 268 00:12:01,286 --> 00:12:02,613 You should have kissed her. 269 00:12:03,220 --> 00:12:04,737 Oh, I should have kissed her. 270 00:12:04,737 --> 00:12:06,927 Well, maybe in a week when she gets back from Orlando. 271 00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:09,292 A week ? That's like a year in hot girl time. 272 00:12:09,292 --> 00:12:10,560 She'll forget all about you. 273 00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:14,037 Mark my words... you will never see that one again. 274 00:12:14,517 --> 00:12:15,709 There she is. 275 00:12:15,709 --> 00:12:18,886 Ooh ! She's cute. Hey, Carl, turn it up. 276 00:12:18,886 --> 00:12:20,938 ...persuaded him to reconsider. 277 00:12:20,938 --> 00:12:23,092 At which point, the man came down off the ledge, 278 00:12:23,092 --> 00:12:26,109 giving this bizarre story a happy ending. 279 00:12:26,109 --> 00:12:28,650 - Reporting from Metro One News... - Guy didn't jump. 280 00:12:30,365 --> 00:12:31,737 I'm gonna go kiss her. 281 00:12:32,122 --> 00:12:32,927 Right now. 282 00:12:32,927 --> 00:12:34,370 Look, dude. It's midnight. 283 00:12:34,370 --> 00:12:38,287 As your future lawyer, I'm gonna advise you that's freakin' crazy. 284 00:12:38,287 --> 00:12:39,835 I never do anything crazy. 285 00:12:39,835 --> 00:12:42,486 I'm always waiting for the moment, planning the moment. 286 00:12:42,895 --> 00:12:43,921 Well, she's leaving tomorrow. 287 00:12:43,921 --> 00:12:45,484 This may be the only moment I'm gonna get. 288 00:12:46,084 --> 00:12:47,411 I gotta do what that guy couldn't. 289 00:12:47,411 --> 00:12:49,179 I gotta take the leap ! 290 00:12:50,181 --> 00:12:51,460 Okay, not a perfect metaphor, 291 00:12:51,460 --> 00:12:53,028 'cause for me it's fall in love and get married, 292 00:12:53,028 --> 00:12:55,164 and for him it's... death. 293 00:12:56,117 --> 00:12:57,890 Actually, that is a perfect metaphor. 294 00:12:58,475 --> 00:13:00,677 By the way, did I congratulate you two ? 295 00:13:02,355 --> 00:13:03,885 I'm doing this. 296 00:13:04,220 --> 00:13:05,145 Let's go. 297 00:13:05,145 --> 00:13:06,980 - Word up. - We're coming with you. 298 00:13:07,950 --> 00:13:08,868 Barney ? 299 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,645 All right, but under one condition. 300 00:13:14,150 --> 00:13:16,839 Look at you, you beautiful bastard. You suited up ! 301 00:13:16,839 --> 00:13:18,687 This is totally going in my blog ! 302 00:13:19,988 --> 00:13:20,725 Stop the car. 303 00:13:20,725 --> 00:13:22,228 Uh, pull over right here. 304 00:13:23,750 --> 00:13:25,154 I gotta do something. 305 00:13:26,008 --> 00:13:28,091 Excuse me. Pardon me. Just a sec'. 306 00:13:28,571 --> 00:13:29,783 Enjoy your coffee. 307 00:13:32,066 --> 00:13:33,480 Go ! Go ! Go ! 308 00:13:36,338 --> 00:13:38,267 Everybody brings flowers. 309 00:13:47,068 --> 00:13:48,150 Okay. 310 00:13:48,150 --> 00:13:49,403 Moment of truth. 311 00:13:50,373 --> 00:13:51,436 Wish me luck. 312 00:13:51,436 --> 00:13:54,371 Ted's gonna get it on with a TV reporter. 313 00:13:54,371 --> 00:13:56,930 "This just in." Okay. 314 00:14:00,069 --> 00:14:02,018 Kiss her, Ted ! Kiss her good ! 315 00:14:02,018 --> 00:14:03,446 Kiss the crap outta that girl ! 316 00:14:03,446 --> 00:14:05,666 Marshall, remember this night. 317 00:14:05,666 --> 00:14:07,931 When you're the best man at our wedding and you give a speech, 318 00:14:07,931 --> 00:14:10,135 you're gonna tell this story. 319 00:14:11,858 --> 00:14:13,622 Why does he get to be the best man ? 320 00:14:13,622 --> 00:14:15,766 I'm your best friend ! 321 00:14:16,744 --> 00:14:20,362 As I walked up to that door, a million thoughts raced through my mind. 322 00:14:20,362 --> 00:14:22,947 Unfortunately, one particular thought did not. 323 00:14:22,947 --> 00:14:24,800 I've got five dogs. 324 00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:28,385 Not good. Not good. 325 00:14:28,385 --> 00:14:30,130 - No ! - Get back in there ! 326 00:14:30,130 --> 00:14:31,824 You're wearing a suit ! 327 00:14:35,242 --> 00:14:36,569 Ted ? 328 00:14:37,606 --> 00:14:38,507 Hi. 329 00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:42,584 I was just, uh... 330 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:48,107 Come on up. 331 00:14:50,501 --> 00:14:51,353 He's in. 332 00:14:52,733 --> 00:14:53,745 So... 333 00:14:53,745 --> 00:14:57,052 Ranjit, you must have done it with a Lebanese girl ? 334 00:14:57,052 --> 00:14:59,386 Okay, that's my Barney limit. 335 00:14:59,386 --> 00:15:02,030 I'm gonna see if that bodega has a bathroom. 336 00:15:02,780 --> 00:15:05,776 Actually, I'm from Bangladesh. 337 00:15:05,776 --> 00:15:07,350 The women hot there ? 338 00:15:07,350 --> 00:15:09,783 Here's a picture of my wife. 339 00:15:11,849 --> 00:15:13,883 A simple "no" would have sufficed. 340 00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:16,583 She's lovely. 341 00:15:17,894 --> 00:15:22,758 So, Ted, what brings you back to Brooklyn at 1:00 in the morning in a suit ? 342 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:25,980 I was just hoping to... 343 00:15:26,750 --> 00:15:28,218 get those olives... 344 00:15:28,689 --> 00:15:30,142 that you said I could have. 345 00:15:30,843 --> 00:15:33,329 Would you like those olives with some gin and vermouth ? 346 00:15:33,863 --> 00:15:35,956 Are you trying to get me drunk ? 347 00:15:40,092 --> 00:15:41,444 For starters. 348 00:15:49,092 --> 00:15:52,674 So, Marshall, this olive theory, based on you and Lilly ? 349 00:15:52,674 --> 00:15:54,302 You hate olives. 350 00:15:54,302 --> 00:15:56,326 Lilly loves 'em. You can't stand 'em. 351 00:15:56,326 --> 00:15:57,738 Yeah. Hate olives. 352 00:15:57,738 --> 00:16:02,574 Two weeks ago, Spanish bar on 79th street, dish of olives, you had some... what up ? 353 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:09,143 You have to swear that this does not leave this cab. 354 00:16:09,143 --> 00:16:11,236 - I swear. - I swear. 355 00:16:13,229 --> 00:16:15,829 On our first date, I ordered a Greek salad. 356 00:16:15,829 --> 00:16:17,810 Lilly asked if she could have my olives. 357 00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:22,309 - I said, "Sure. I hate olives." - But, you like olives. 358 00:16:22,309 --> 00:16:24,899 Well, I was 18, okay ? I was a virgin. 359 00:16:24,899 --> 00:16:28,251 Been waitin' my whole life for a pretty girl to want my olives. 360 00:16:29,408 --> 00:16:31,973 Marshall, I'm gonna give you an early wedding present. 361 00:16:32,564 --> 00:16:34,218 Don't get married. 362 00:16:42,900 --> 00:16:44,909 I think I like your olive theory. 363 00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:47,689 I think I like your new French horn. 364 00:16:48,739 --> 00:16:50,637 I think I like your nose. 365 00:16:51,908 --> 00:16:53,932 I think I'm in love with you. 366 00:16:53,932 --> 00:16:56,758 What ?! What ?! What ?! 367 00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:59,300 Come on, man, you said your stomach's been hurting, right ? 368 00:16:59,300 --> 00:17:00,671 You know what that is. 369 00:17:00,671 --> 00:17:01,437 Hunger. 370 00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:03,361 You're hungry for experience. 371 00:17:03,361 --> 00:17:04,933 Hungry for something new. 372 00:17:04,933 --> 00:17:07,099 Hungry for olives. 373 00:17:07,538 --> 00:17:10,333 But you're too scared to do anything about it. 374 00:17:10,333 --> 00:17:12,266 Yeah, I'm scared, okay ? 375 00:17:13,858 --> 00:17:16,344 But, when I think of spending the rest of my life with Lilly... 376 00:17:16,954 --> 00:17:19,971 committing, forever, no other women... 377 00:17:20,571 --> 00:17:22,504 doesn't scare me at all. 378 00:17:23,256 --> 00:17:25,318 I'm marrying that girl. 379 00:17:26,782 --> 00:17:28,017 Lilly. 380 00:17:28,969 --> 00:17:30,754 Lilly, I like olives. 381 00:17:31,544 --> 00:17:33,357 We'll make it work. 382 00:17:45,622 --> 00:17:47,996 So, Orlando. You gonna hit Disneyworld ? 383 00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:51,419 You love me ?! 384 00:17:52,129 --> 00:17:53,885 I-I-I can't believe I said that. 385 00:17:53,885 --> 00:17:56,451 Why did I say that ? Who says that ? 386 00:17:56,991 --> 00:17:58,419 I should just go. 387 00:17:58,419 --> 00:17:59,616 Hold on. 388 00:17:59,616 --> 00:18:01,088 Wait a minute. 389 00:18:03,702 --> 00:18:04,983 Promised you these. 390 00:18:04,983 --> 00:18:08,104 Olives. Thanks. I love you. 391 00:18:08,104 --> 00:18:10,175 What is wrong with me ? 392 00:18:11,992 --> 00:18:13,190 Why are we still sitting here ? 393 00:18:13,190 --> 00:18:14,891 Let's go. We can still make last call. 394 00:18:14,891 --> 00:18:15,789 What do you say, Lil ? 395 00:18:15,789 --> 00:18:18,440 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum ? 396 00:18:20,982 --> 00:18:22,214 'Cause you're a pirate. 397 00:18:22,659 --> 00:18:24,613 Okay, eye patch, gone. 398 00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:27,440 And we can't just abandon Ted. 399 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,296 If it doesn't go well up there, he's gonna need some support. 400 00:18:30,296 --> 00:18:32,183 It's been, like, 20 minutes. 401 00:18:32,183 --> 00:18:33,540 You think they're doin' it ? 402 00:18:33,540 --> 00:18:34,977 You think they're doin' it in front of the dogs ? 403 00:18:34,977 --> 00:18:36,340 Doggy style. 404 00:18:36,684 --> 00:18:38,803 Hey, there was a girl in college, she had this golden retriever... 405 00:18:38,803 --> 00:18:41,344 Okay, we can go to the bar. Just stop talking. 406 00:18:41,344 --> 00:18:42,578 Hit it, Ranjit. 407 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,071 So, when you tell this story to your friends, 408 00:18:50,071 --> 00:18:52,235 could you avoid the word "psycho ?" 409 00:18:52,620 --> 00:18:55,308 I'd prefer. "eccentric." 410 00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:57,919 Good night... psycho. 411 00:19:02,322 --> 00:19:03,099 Great. 412 00:19:03,099 --> 00:19:04,881 Um, how do I get to the F train ? 413 00:19:05,286 --> 00:19:09,410 Oh, um, two blocks that way and take a right. 414 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,065 You know what ? 415 00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:17,210 I'm done being single. 416 00:19:17,679 --> 00:19:19,122 I'm not good at it. 417 00:19:19,122 --> 00:19:22,954 Look, obviously, you can't tell a woman you just met you love her. 418 00:19:22,954 --> 00:19:25,872 But... it sucks that you can't. 419 00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:28,180 I'll tell you something, though. 420 00:19:28,180 --> 00:19:32,104 If a woman... not you, just some hypothetical woman... 421 00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:33,967 were to bear with me through all this, 422 00:19:34,952 --> 00:19:36,610 I think I'd make a damn good husband. 423 00:19:36,610 --> 00:19:38,493 Because, that's the stuff I'd be good at, 424 00:19:38,493 --> 00:19:42,101 stuff like making her laugh and being a good father. 425 00:19:43,421 --> 00:19:45,677 And walking her five hypothetical dogs. 426 00:19:47,438 --> 00:19:48,795 Being a good kisser. 427 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:51,930 Everyone thinks they're a good kisser. 428 00:19:51,930 --> 00:19:53,568 Oh, I've got references. 429 00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:55,949 Good night, Ted. 430 00:20:02,450 --> 00:20:04,799 And I'm a good handshaker. 431 00:20:04,799 --> 00:20:07,365 That's a pretty great handshake. 432 00:20:10,900 --> 00:20:12,105 And that was it. 433 00:20:12,105 --> 00:20:13,989 I'll probably never see her again. 434 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:17,807 What ? 435 00:20:17,807 --> 00:20:19,047 That was the signal. 436 00:20:19,047 --> 00:20:22,952 That long, lingering handshake ? You should have kissed her. 437 00:20:23,197 --> 00:20:25,249 There's no such thing as "the signal." 438 00:20:25,651 --> 00:20:27,564 But, yeah, that was the signal. 439 00:20:28,355 --> 00:20:29,607 Signal. 440 00:20:30,621 --> 00:20:32,174 Ah, Carl, thank you. 441 00:20:32,174 --> 00:20:34,143 Something I gotta do. 442 00:20:35,118 --> 00:20:37,683 By the way, you should have kissed her. 443 00:20:38,038 --> 00:20:40,182 Carl ! You guys weren't there. 444 00:20:41,900 --> 00:20:44,760 I am so turned on right now. 445 00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:46,423 Guys, trust me. 446 00:20:46,423 --> 00:20:47,894 I've seen the signal. 447 00:20:47,894 --> 00:20:49,573 That was not the signal. 448 00:20:49,573 --> 00:20:51,592 Yeah, Ted, we're not on you anymore. 449 00:20:52,843 --> 00:20:56,171 - To my fiancée. - To the future. 450 00:20:56,171 --> 00:20:58,084 To one hell of a night ! 451 00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:04,014 That was not the signal. 452 00:21:04,767 --> 00:21:06,435 I asked her about it years later. 453 00:21:06,435 --> 00:21:08,606 And, yeah, that was the signal. 454 00:21:08,606 --> 00:21:10,164 I could have kissed her. 455 00:21:10,164 --> 00:21:12,126 But that's the funny thing about destiny. 456 00:21:12,126 --> 00:21:14,250 It happens whether you plan it or not. 457 00:21:14,250 --> 00:21:16,224 I mean, I never thought I'd see that girl again, 458 00:21:16,224 --> 00:21:19,074 but it turns out I was just too close to the puzzle 459 00:21:19,074 --> 00:21:20,898 to see the picture that was forming. 460 00:21:20,898 --> 00:21:25,457 Because, that, kids, is the true story of how I met your Aunt Robin. 461 00:21:26,848 --> 00:21:28,180 Aunt Robin ? 462 00:21:28,180 --> 00:21:30,265 I thought this was how you met mom ! 463 00:21:30,265 --> 00:21:32,397 Will you relax ? I'm getting to it. 464 00:21:32,742 --> 00:21:36,619 Like I said, it's a long story.